AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Haven't rtft so this may have already been said, but I think part of the problem may be that your boyfriend underestimated the effect of the heat on you? I have an average level of fitness but the higher the temperature, the less I can do. He clearly knows your weight and general levels of fitness, but may have 'expected' you to be able to power through for the duration of the holiday, but the combination of everything for you was just too much and he let his disappointment get the better of him? For those that enjoy it, a lot of the pleasure of walking around a city is spontaneously detouring down a likely looking side street, just to see what's there, so I get why for him the taxi didn't feel like an option.
The biggest problem for me is his lack of flexibility and empathy to your situation.
There are definitely steps you can take to help yourself, but life very rarely goes according to plan, and if he is unwilling to accept changes or compromises with good grace and humour, then I think you will have problems going forward, related to more than just your weight and fitness.
Do things to make life better for yourself, but don't fall into the trap of trying to make everything work for him, then taking the blame if it doesn't. A partnership should work for both of you.

I agree.

I also agree with telling it straight but some of these posts have been cruel and unnecessary.

TBH he sounds deluded if he didn’t realise that you would struggle to walk in Lisbon in the heat with your BMI. Yes you’re overweight and unfit - but he must have known that and should have considered that when planning the days out. Also the digs about what you eat aren’t very kind - I get it that it can be frustrating to see somebody over eating when they are so overweight that their health is at risk. But if you can’t eat a custard tart or two when in Lisbon, when can you?

I think unless you've ever been overweight yourself – and it doesn't sound like OP's DP ever has – you can't truly imagine what it's like to be hauling a few extra stone around, and the impact it has on your fitness and health. I'm about 2.5 stone overweight, and that's the equivalent of walking around with 12 and a bit MacBook Airs strapped to me – one of which weighs 2.7lbs. Unless you contextualise the weight for a slim person, they really don't have a clue.

The OP didn’t think she’d struggle so why blame him

OK, forget Lisbon and custard tarts.

My point still stands. Life without a cake is not miserable!

I'm fit and a healthy weight, I do open water swimming, yoga, weights and cardio at the gym, spin class and running every week as well as getting a fair bit of walking in (also have a dog). At the same time my job involves a lot of sitting, so it's not so much walking but being on my feet for several hours which can make my feet and back ache.

I did a 20 mile hilly walk with DH a few weeks ago and am quite capable (might have moaned a bit in the last couple of miles 😅), but walking around a city and sightseeing can be pretty tiring as it's a lot of standing. If we were doing it we wouldn't have a ton of walking every day and would have easier days.

Agreed!

I am very happy and can’t even remember the last time I had a slice of cake! Would MUCH prefer being active, loads of walking and exploring than sitting in a cafe eating cake 🤷‍♀️

His remarks are sliding into a passive aggressive distaste for you, this will likely increase to an aversion, while continuing to live with you.

It will destroy your confidence.

He is stubborn, moody and unkind, don't dismiss these traits.

Be very wary. He's a red flag.

And in shocking news, people are different...

I'm very happy and I do eat cake.

And did I even remotely allude to that not being the case?

nope

You never eat cake ever? You do know a pastel de nata isn't going to make you fat.

The boyfriend is a selfish twat.
How much you can walk isn't relevant.
Sugar-free usually means sweetened with aspartame, which may be linked to cancer and Parkinson's.

What I'm concerned about is why the OP weighs what she weighs - you don't put on about 2 stones in 18 months without there being something deeper than 'eating too much' going on.

A lot of advice on this thread is dangerous. @georgiexox ,speak to your GP about weight loss and fitness. Do not start running or radical weight loss without medical advice.

I don't like cakes either, or more specifically I only like some. Most are definitely not worth bothering with because they are disappointing. I can't stand custard tarts or chocolate cake.

I don’t like cakes.

You’re going to 🙄 but I would so much prefer a bowl of Greek yoghurt with raspberries drizzled with honey to any cake!

each to their own

You quoted a post stating that life without cake is not miserable with an "Agreed".

Like I said, people are different. I would be gutted to have to live without cake but because I'm not overweight people don't get to feel morally superior about that.

I see to have derailed the thread, for which I apologise. I just thought that the OP showed signs of having an unhealthy relationship with food if she thinks not having a cake = being miserable.

I’m incredibly happy and I’d have definitely had cake and then I’d have stopped for an early afternoon beer and some snacks and after a bit more strolling I’d have wafted into a hotel for a glass of champagne on a terrace with a view. Bliss.

it’s a bloody holiday!

A life without cake is not miserable

That doesn’t mean a life WITH cake is miserable

weird

And you know you can do both, right? Oh no, I'm not going to have a tiny little custard tart, I'm going to skip up another hill in 40C heat because I'm just so fucking JOYFUL.

I agree about something deeper going on to cause the weight gain. It's possible that being obese has tipped OP into insulin resistance and that she's consequently developed metabolic syndrome/diabetes type 2. Or it could be something like PMOS, which would need addressing if she wants to start a family at some point.

Either way, a health check at the GP is definitely a good idea.

Sweet Jesus

Of course you can do both
or either!!
whatever you tooting well want to do!

And I would join you. 🥂

You are 19stone 12lb. You really urgently need to help yourself lose weight.

I wouldn’t

but that doesn’t make me better or worse or superior or inferior!

You've been together 18 months, you're happy you say. But is he with a partner who is piling on more weight. He'll be worried about your health because he cares.