AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I can’t stand posts like this. The OP has not asked about weight loss advice. She doesn’t need all the ‘shock’ and horror from people. The post is about the dynamic between her and her partner and whether he should have compromised a bit.

People are so sanctimonious on this board.

I am cringing so much at people quoting their step counts and PB. Get a life.

Definitely agree weight isn't the main factor here. It will contribute to the impact on your joints etc but not sole reason.
I am a size 16, 5'9 and most definitely quite substantially overweight but I walk over those steps counts daily and cycle/swim 4 days a week. I am overweight because quite frankly I do not eat well - but my physical fitness in terms of endurance is pretty good.
To add I am 34 with 2 young children.
Don't be too hard on yourself re your weight. Try and improve your fitness levels and I am sure you will find yourself losing weight in the process

💯 this. Hope you’re ok OP. People have been awful to you on this thread 😞

I would not have wanted to do that much walking in a hilly, hot place day after day. That would be my idea of a shit holiday. Some walking, yes. Forced marching on and on when you're feeling uncomfortable just for the sake of it? Fuck that. I also would not have wanted to console myself with a fucking sparkling water (vile stuff) if my boyfriend had chosen to throw a strop about that instead of caring that it's my holiday too. I absolutely would have chowed down on not one but quite a few pasteles de nata because that's part of the joy of being in Lisbon. But I'm not overweight - which apparently makes me a superior being to the OP if you go by the tone of this thread. I think if I had posted the same story the thread would have completely different answers due to the weight issue, but that isn't what the OP posted about. She has said again and again that she knows she is overweight, she knows it's a problem but that's not what she's asking about. Cue masses of posters telling her she needs to lose weight 🙄.

And to add, I personally don't think your partner was unreasonable in this scenario

Her DH didn’t kidnap her and smuggle her to Lisbon. The OP very much planned to be there with him and do the walking. In that respect I don’t think he’s being unfair. If he’d made her go on this type of holiday and she was said she couldn’t manage it then fair enough but she never said before that it would be a struggle. I can understand his disappointment.

His GF is 18 stone. Come on.

Yes, she was over ambitious. So get a taxi or a bus or a metro. I genuinely don't get the big deal.

But he needs to adjust his expectations of her. 18 stone is fairly limiting in what is physically possible.

He got together with OP of his own free will not that long ago - it should have been pretty obvious that she'd struggle a bit with walking holidays in the heat, this would hardly have been a surprise. That's what makes him a dick.

And it's also reasonable to find one's expectations don't match reality. Otherwise internet dating wouldn't be such a minefield! She said she had every intention of doing the walking but when it came down to it it was harder than she expected and she simply couldn't do it. Presumably the heat and hills played a significant part in that. Presumably her boyfriend should also have had the nous to realise that her physical condition is very different to his and she wouldn't be able to do the same as him. Whatever the reason, ultimately it's NOT reasonable for him to expect her to not enjoy her holiday too. A decent bloke who loves you should show more understanding and actually want her to have a good time too. I just cannot imagine my husband behaving like that in those circumstances.

Yep, the OP needs to lose weight. She knows that. I think the first step could be to dump about 12 stone of selfish boyfriend. That's an easy win right there.

Sorry OP I think you need to take this as a wake up call about your level of fitness as those steps are really not a huge level of walking. 10k steps a day is what people should be doing to keel fit to struggle with this level of steps is an indicator of being quite unfit. I am nearly 46 and do 11k minimum most days and work out 4 times a week as its important to stay fit and Healthy. To put it into context my 6 and 9 year old walk about 8k steps a day as they walk to and from school. If dh couldn't keep up with the walking on holiday I would be a bit annoyed. However I think your dp should have booked a taxi because this is your holiday to. It sounds like you have different interests which is fine but maybe a walking holiday isnt ideal for you so a holiday were you can both do things you like might be better.
.

I have been unfit myself and found it massively frustrating so I did something about it. When your level of fitness impacts on activities of daily living, then there is a problem. 10k steps even in heat is low. I managed 30k in London when it was 36 degrees.
I’m a medic and I do get frustrated with people who do not look after their health. I am also concerned about GLP-1 medications due to the side effect profile.being overweight in and of itself does carry some risk but the greater risk is when it impacts on activity levels and thus increases cardiovascular risk.

Did you do any prep work for the holiday when you knew you'd be walking lots?

Out of interest i had a look at my step count for my recent short break with primary school age kids: 22,989, 21,100, 17,057, 16,367, 22,636 for the 5 days. It wasn't quite as hot where were were but very hilly. Presumably far more steps for the kids who have much shorter legs and were also running around parks lots at points.

Hopefully this is the wakeup call you need to get fitter. Good luck!

OP, a BMI of 48 is not carrying a bit more weight than you want which is how your prior posts came across. A BMI that high is dangerously obese and you really need to take that seriously. I hope you take your holiday as a wake up call for you and your health, not that your new partner wasn't understanding about it.

It's all getting a bit Four Yorkshiremen now.

Her partner would have known about her difficulties walking, lack of fitness before booking the holiday so why are you blaming her? She found the walking more difficult than she thought it would be and suggested taxis. I think her partner was being unkind and selfish in dismissing taxis, (many people who have had no health issues are often dismissive and lack understanding of those who do have health problems). Whilst yes she can work on her fitness. he has to work on his compassion and understanding!! So no its not all on her at all.

Who does the cooking? Does he comment on what you eat?

I imagine your parents are concerned? I would be very concerned if my 28 year old daughter was struggling with mobility due to weight

OP's partner obviously knows she is seriously overweight and might have to get taxis. Her BMI is 48, so it's pretty obvious. Whatever the reason for someone not being able to walk, from disability to feeling a bit tired that day, you should be considerate of that. That said you don't have to be joined at the hip and one person could go off on their own for a short time and walk a bit more, but leaving someone for long periods and their missing out when they could have been accommodated is not on.

DH for example knows I don't do heights. I am fit but there's no point in my going up a mountain vis a narrow ridge as I couldn't do it. So if together we would take an easier path or not do it at all. If he wanted to do something more challenging he'd go with a mate who likes that sort of thing instead.

Good for you but this thread isn’t about getting fit and it certainly didn’t require you to tell the OP her partner will leave her.

It’s about her partner treating her poorly because she didn’t meet what are - frankly in the real world - entirely unrealistic expectations.

I don’t walk a lot and in fact here are my steps for the week to counter all of the ridiculous I do 30k on a slow day BS.

I’m fit and healthy and slim, I just don’t walk a lot and 10-15k would do me perfectly for a city break.

As usual posters totally miss the point where obesity is mentioned and start giving the OP unasked for advice instead. What a bunch of tiresome busybodies.

I'm 95 and did 50,000 steps in 40C heat yesterday with two broken legs. I just don't understand why you can't keep up. 🙄

Hilly Lisbon in heat is no joke, but he should have treated you with the consideration any disabled person requires. You know that your BMI is dangerously high. His exasperation probably comes from your choice not to tackle this, e.g. with WLMs. You're disappointed in each other - I hope this is a wake-up call, because as PPs have said, reversing this sort of thing gets harder as we age!

you went on a couples holiday. The holiday was for BOTH of you to enjoy. You did all the walking and exploring for the first couple of days. It wouldn’t have killed him to have one day of rest/slower pace/taxi rides. Your weight is irrelevant. Skinny people get tired after days of walking too. What about if he’d have gotten blisters or twisted his ankle or woke up with a sickness bug. Why do you deserve less sympathy because the issue was your weight when I’m 100% sure if any of those things would have happened to him, you would have absolutely shown a bit of compassion. You said you were struggling and that should have been enough for him to care enough to slow down for a day. If the person who loves you doesn’t want to compromise for one single day of a holiday you both deserve to enjoy, and makes you feel guilty about it, he’s asshole not you. Relationships are about compromise and compassion. The fact you are writing this and are still upset probably means it’s not so much about the walking and more about him not being there for you when you were vulnerable and that he prioritised his planned itinerary over your wellbeing. I’d go out on a limb and guess this isn’t the first time he’s made you feel this way.

If the sexes were reversed and the partner had started a thread about how her boyfriend being so overweight that he had to stay in a cafe, ankles puffy, out of breath, wanting to get taxis… the consensus would be… you are young, you want a family - this person doesn’t look after themselves and if like this at 28 will likely not be someone you should start a family with.

Guaranteed

OP, you've really taken all the comments (even the ones telling you your own weight) on the chin, which is admirable.

The trip was misguided and has highlighted that you're more unfit than you thought you were. Maybe you were both in a bit of denial before. Really hope this can be the turning point for you. You're only 28! You can turn everything around if you put your mind to it - not for the sake of a grumpy or uncompromising boyfriend, but for yourself. I'd love to see a post from you in a year's time telling us how much fitter you've become.