AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

“but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks”

I think he could have been more understanding, relationships are about compromise. I got a terrible blister when out walking with dh last weekend. We had planned to walk at a fast pace, but I was unable to. He didn't keep walking fast, or if he did start speeding up he'd slow down. I told him we were going to get a taxi back.
Sometimes situations change and I think the other person could show some compassion.

@Sartre "Also yes as I said I walked 30k steps a day in Napoli last year in 35 degree heat with a backpack."

🙄Yeah but that just makes you a masochist rather than morally superior.

Has anyone thought to tell the OP yet that she's obese and needs to lose weight?

Part of the fun of Lisbon is walking/ jumping on the metro/ stopping for a drink/ walking more. I'm not surprised he was disappointed.

I went for 4 days. We walked and walked and walked, from about 10am until final drinks around midnight. Ridiculous numbers of steps. I was knackered by the end, but it's still one of my favourite holidays.

I feel for you. It must have been disappointing on a break you were looking forward to.

You can turn this around. Best I can suggest is to work out how you can incorporate more movement into your day and increase your energy levels. Do you get enough sleep? And how’s your diet?

As for your partner, if you think he will be supportive I would include him in your fitness journey.

I've just seen your step count and yes of course you are unfit, but he can't not have known that before this holiday and with your short height and high weight he should have realised, or at least accepted, that you'd be in some pain after a couple of days of totally unaccustomed exercise. He's been a bit of a dick and unless you want to spent the rest of your life fighting with your weight to please him (as opposed to yourself which would be good), you might need to rethink if you're actually a good match.

there is a weird undercurrent on this thread that walking everywhere makes you a better person than someone who doesn’t. Weird. I can walk loads now I’ve lost weight, but I still find it fucking boring.

Ok now I've seen you went to Lisbon I've reassessed my answer and I don't think you are being unreasonable. The hills in Lisbon are something else, I think a significant number of people would find it very difficult to walk up and down those streets for hours on end every day- we did it one day and the next we took a guided tour that stopped off at all the sights!

Also yes as I said I walked 30k steps a day in Napoli last year in 35 degree heat with a backpack.

@Sartre and that backpack weighed 50kg ?

I go for a run 3 x a week and lift weights 3 x a week to maintain a healthy weight. I fit this in around FT work and 5 children.

How do you manage that ? do you get up really early ? Do you do the weights at home ? Who looks after the children when you are running ? How far/long is the run ? I am not picking on you , but it would be interesting to hear how someone who is fit , fits it in with FT work ? This is something that I have always struggled with, I do wonder if going to a gym when I get up at 5 would be a solution, as I don't get back from work until 7 at the earliest and then by the time I have fed everyone , sorted washing etc , all I really want to do is relax before bed.

I am over double your age OP, have arthritis in my knee and I’d still find that fairly easy, in fact that sounds like a normal week.

I think your DH was disappointed but didn’t criticise you, so I can see it from his point of view too.

If you’re struggling this much at 28 it has serious implications as you get older.

I’m glad you’ve had a wake up call though. Time to get your path to better mobility started.

I can really recommend the C25K app, it starts off very gently

What a weird take. Your comment would make sense if this holiday had been an all-inclusive sun lounger trip and the DP was banging on about walking to the beach every day and OP couldn't manage it, but this is a minibreak in a city that people visit to walk around!

Your post sounded like he was being unreasonable, but then I saw your step count. Your steps are what I would do on any normal week. I’m not a skinny Minnie myself, but 10000 steps is basic function really. I don’t think he was unreasonable for you to walk a very normal amount of steps.

I think this is not about anyone being unreasonable, but I’m certain you want to be a functioning, healthy person, so maybe you both need to work together to make that happen.

OP I'm 41, my BMI was 49.5 this time last year (I'm a few inches taller than you) I would have dreaded that holiday with all the walking.
I've been on Mounjaro for almost a year now and my BMI is down to 35 (and hopefully will continue to go down more) it has been a lifesaver for me.
We went on holiday recently and there was a lot of walking and I couldn't believe how easily I could cope with it, I even carried my 8yo about half a mile of so with no problems.
I salute you for how much you were able to do and giving it a try! I know how difficult it is.

He was entitled to feel disappointed but a supportive husband would have been more understanding and just got taxis with you rather than ditching you in a cafe and then moaning that you didn't do things together like planned

So your bf fits one of two categories. A he loves you just the way you are, whatever your size. Or B, he likes bigger women.

Hopefully it's A. However, regardless of why he loves you, he must have been able to understand that a woman of 18ish stone isn't going to be able to keep up on a heavy duty walking holiday, in heat.

So while I absolutely understand that your weight is an issue in general and specifically, was an issue on holiday, in this actual situation, he was the issue. Expecting someone of your size to walk all day in heat was unfair.

So while I do think (as others have said) you need to work on your weight and your fitness, ultimately, if he's with you, he needs to accept your limitations. If you had any other physical limitation (crutches, plantar fasciitis, arthritis etc) it would be unreasonable to expect a lot of walking and in a way, being obese is similar. It's restrictive. Particularly in heat.

I remember saying something similar when I was just a couple of years older than you, OP - BMI close to yours, classic yo-yo dieter, but also really pissed off with the whole diet culture and people trying to police my food. But I’m healthy, I said - I haven’t got diabetes.

I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at the age of 34.

At 60, the mobility was really getting to be a problem.

But now I am addressing my compulsive eating and have been sitting with a BMI of around 30 for the past year.

I'm genuinely shocked at this - that a woman in her 20s can't manage 15,000 steps a day. Even in Lisbon, in heat, this should be achievable with a couple of stops to have a drink and get her breath.

Im 5ft tall so very little legs. When I was in my 50s I had a BMI of 31 but would routinely walk 10,00-15,000 steps a day. My PB was 40,000 steps exploring Toronto (very flat city luckily). I'm in my 60s now, have lost the excess weight and still walk the same amount. It's not exercise, it's just how I get around.

I get that you are upset @georgiexox . Your holiday was spoiled for both of you. But I think you know your BF didn't spoil it. Your lifestyle and weight are what spoiled it.

I think you are in shock. You have had to face the reality that you can't currently live a normal life.

You are very young. I have shoes older than you. It's not too late to change this. Take the baby steps towards fitness, walk, climb stairs, march on the spot while you watch tv, substitute full fat Coke with the sugarfree version. you know what to do. Please don't accept morbid obesity and lack of fitness as an unchangeable part of your life.

I'm 54 and in a full time office sedentary job. I managed (with effort) 25,000 steps a day in Japan Copenhagen and Italy with my 23 year old a month ago. Babe if you're 28 i'm being super kind please look into your health and fitness. This is really a massive issue and should be a wake up call for you before the chickens come home to roost.

There could be any number of reasons leading to OP being overweight, there's no need for people to be so unkind and dont think it is helpful to shame people.
Boyfriend could be kind and compassionate and support her on her journey to addressing whatever issues have led to her gaining weight.

No, he sounds frustrated at having perfectly normal levels of activity curtailed due to his partner’s extremely low level of fitness. I think he will end up leaving anyway as they seem incompatible.

Good for you 👏 👏 👏

Walking a lot is not proof of moral virtue and if you really walk 30k steps in 35° your actually foolish not righteous.

Omg. I'm a normal weight and I'd have rewarded myself with pastel de nata too in Lisbon!
The food and local specialities are part of the experience, not fecking mineral water.

Well aren’t you a charm?!

FFS this really is one one of the worst of the fat shaming threads we’ve had on MN for a while - i assume you’re all getting frustrated given the increasingly limited numbers of fatties due to all the WLIs. Must be killing you 😂

OP 10k steps in the heat in hilly Lisbon is not unreasonable. Being unable to keep up with the adventurous striding of your DH is not a sign he will leave you although you might consider leaving him if he’s being an arse about it.

Hope you’re ok OP. You’ve taken quite a lot on this thread.

I think it’s obvious that you know you are overweight. I wonder if some posters think you are being a bit passive about that? I would maybe go to the GP; get some bloods done to check there is nothing underlying and then decide how to move forward. If you want kids etc it would be better for your BmI to be lower, as well as general health. Now is the time as the older you are it gets harder. But I suspect you know all this.

As for the holiday; maybe you both simply had different expectations. From what you have written, he doesn’t see you as ‘too fat’ otherwise he wouldn’t have assumed you could do those activities. I wouldn’t get hung up on the events of the holiday, you went, it was fine but not perfect and you both got a bit frustrated at times, you’re home and things are fine. Leave that now. But look at making some changes to make you healthier.

Good luck x

I’m not sure why everybody is telling the OP she’s unfit and overweight. She knows it and has said it multiple times.

OP he should’ve been more considerate. You have to compromise a bit on holiday to make sure everybody’s needs are met.

I have a BMI of 19 and I’m reasonably fit. But I would hate to walk up and down the steep hills of Lisbon. There are trams for a reason! I would have no respect for him if he chose Lisbon because he thought he would give his partner some exercise.

Ultimately, a holiday is meant to be fun, not a gruelling fitness regime. I would be annoyed by this.