AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Sorry to say but this does not constitute as a lot of walking whatsoever… It’s less than an average day for me, yesterday I did 17k which is about average but some days I do 30k. On city breaks I definitely do 30k, we walk EVERYWHERE, even in 35 degree heat in Italy. Take this as a wake up call, you need to get fit.

@Sartre but how much do you weigh ? Are you carrying an additional 50kg around with you in a backpack, when striding about in 35 degree's ?.
Does your job involve you sitting at a desk for 8 hrs a day ? If it does maybe you could suggest how OP can get 30K of steps in around her working day ? That would be at least useful instead of berating her for not being as fit as you.

I can see both sides op. I remember being on holiday in France many years ago. I was overweight and it was just uncomfortable all the time. The heat and walking was a miserable experience and I wasn’t walking as much as you were.

Losing weight is hard and you have to be in the right head space to do it successfully. I would say I was overweight for approximately 10 years and it took me that long to get to the point where I had had enough and took action. Of course I could bang on about how I did it, calorie deficit etc, but that isn’t helpful. Your tipping point will be totally different to mine and you probably don’t know what it is yet.

When you do get there op, don’t be afraid to use whatever route works for you. Weight loss meds are a tool like any other. If they work for you then use them.

Crikey! You’re in your 20s and those are not a lot of steps that you did

time to wake up and sort yourself out

8000 steps is achievable without leaving the house

I think all these people who are saying they do that many steps everyday and it's normal are ignoring the fact it was hot and hilly.
Maybe the OP would have found it easier had it been cooler.
Admittedly I am also short and overweight, but I would do the steps she did ok on a day to day basis here in the UK....but definitely not in the heatwave and I struggle in the summer more because of the heat. I know plenty of overweight people who can be quite fit in terms of walking, but the heat will take it out of them.
I still think he was inconsiderate and it's only because the OP shared her weight that people are being harsh. If she had posted she had struggled with the walking but was slim and fit and it was about the heat then I think people would be more sympathetic.

That’s a scary bmi. I don’t usually advocate for jabs but in your case I’d do it.

Christ, some of these comments.

How dare you eat a pastel de nata when you're in Lisbon OP? Don't you know that being overweight means you don't deserve any small joys in your life, oh of course, except the joy of dieting? Don't even think about making a joke about anything or about enjoying your own holiday, you need to act properly shamed and penitent.

“on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks”

Relationships are about compromise and it sounds like he had his own adjenda and didn't want to budge from that.

I am like your BF, love seeing new places and walking and wouldn't want to miss anything. However, when you are on holiday with someone else you need to take their preferences into consideration.

Next time make it clear from the outset that you also want some relaxation built in, this doesn't need to have anything to do with your weight either! I went to Lisbon with my sister a few years ago and we booked a hotel with a pool so we could relax and sight see, it's a good combination for us.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with doing your own thing for a few hours, you aren't joined at the hip.

My 7 year old walks farther than that. DH and I often do city breaks and 20000 steps a day is pretty typical, I say this as someone who has been a size 8 to 18/20. I could do that at all of those sizes, this is about your fitness. I will likely walk 15000 ish steps today we have a school fete, will then likely walk down to the beach with some of the other parents/children and may then walk into town before heading home.
Yesterday was a very sedentary day for me I was in the office all day and walked to and from work (only a mile or so each way) I did around 10k steps. Is your life generally very sedentary ? Do you drive when you could walk?

I've just noticed you were in Lisbon, I went to Lisbon at 6 months pregnant and gained 4 stone during pregnancy, yes it's hilly but it's also a walking city you would miss a lot in taxis. This isn't just about weight it is about fitness. Start building activity into your day, if you start by walking at least 30 minutes a day you will see improvement quickly. When your health starts to impact normal activity that's a wake up call.

Gosh i think you've had some really unfair untreatment on here OP.
I have been with my partner for ten years and have developed some mobility issues so cant walk or take part in the activities I used to be able to. We were previously very active - biking, mountain walking etc. My partner is kind and understanding, and happy to take transport/taxis if I need to and checking in on me. Likewise if he needs to go off for a walk in the evening, he can go on his own and i dont mind. I thought boyfriend sounded selfish and uncaring personally.
God help some of the posters' OHs if they develop a health issue is all I can say!

Your boyfriend is the absolute least of your worries. Your weight is killing you and any chance of a healthy adult life.

Luckily you are young and unencumbered, so you should be able to do something about it.

Not for your boyfriend, but for yourself. Start a new thread on the weight loss boards. Do some research. See a health professional. People who love and care for you are probably concerned. Lean into the real life support.

Her health issue is being morbidly obese. She’s young and it’s something she can rectify. Hopefully this has been a wake up call.

It absolutely aren't. Most of these people just hate people with extra weight, and have zero sympathy for how much effort it takes to do things. The holiday was supposed to be for both of your enjoyment, when your hubby saw you were struggling so much, he should have adjusted plans to include more breaks, and other things to make it less demanding on you.

I am about 5stone overweight. But I keep myself active and can run a 5k.

My husband is about 8 stone overweight and does no exercise at all. It is frustrating to have to slow down and change plans because he can’t manage the walking.

A couple of years ago we were in Orlando and he basically refused to go anywhere for 2 of the days because he had over done the walking. We were in a villa where you had to drive to get to anything and he is the only driver so me and DD were basically stuck in the villa for 2 days - we are both active and were climbing the walls!

This time we have booked accommodation within walking distance of restaurants and a bus stop so me and DD can go out by ourselves if he can’t do it again.

It's not about eating just one pastel de nata though, is it? Even her DP asked her when she got back to the hotel how many had she eaten, because he must've guessed she'd eaten more than that.

My BIL is morbidly obese. Must be 30 stone. He's just been in hospital for a weight-related emergency, his second in a few years. Even though I have some concerns about them, we suggested he speak to his GP about WLI – with his BMI and underlying conditions, he's qualify for an NHS prescription. He doesn't want to though, because he doesn't want to not eat "properly". But his properly would be eight pastel de nata, washed down with full-fat Coke, pizza and god knows what else – and that would be just a snack. Whereas a small joy in life as I imagine you're thinking is maybe one or two pastel de nata in a day while on holiday.

I'm not saying OP eats like my BIL, but telling her to crack on and eat what she wants is as unhelpful as other posters telling her she needs to lose weight, when clearly she knows that.

Also, the fact you’re so focused on your boyfriend not being kind enough rather than it being the impetus to kickstart a health drive is revealing. I’d be absolutely mortified if my weight meant I couldn’t participate properly in a planned holiday (and I say this as a larger woman too).

(Clipped from SpidersareShitheads' post).

I think there is something in this. No the bf won't be winning Partner of the Century awards, but of the issues highlighted by this holiday it does seem odd that the bf's behaviour is the thing that the OP decided to start a MN thread about. It's almost as if she's looking for a reason to walk past (no pun intended), her morbid obesity - and the fact that she equates not chomping on cakes with 'being miserable' - and find something else to identify as the problem.

So all the posts saying 'Stop saying the OP is fat, she knows that, be kind and focus on the bf instead'...I'm really not sure that is 'being kind' if the OP takes from that that yes, she was in the right here. I can just imagine if the roles were reversed and a fit twentysomething woman complained that her bf had put on loads of weight to the point he was dangerously overweight and it impacted her enjoyment of wandering about on a city break. The bf would get a torrent of abuse and the OP would be asked why she was with him at all.

No my job isn’t primarily desk based but I lecture so research days are stationary. I go for a run 3 x a week and lift weights 3 x a week to maintain a healthy weight. I fit this in around FT work and 5 children.

Also yes as I said I walked 30k steps a day in Napoli last year in 35 degree heat with a backpack.

I mean this in the kindest way but to struggle doing that many steps a day would be a serious concern. I’m very nearly 50, only 4ft 10 and overweight for my height. I also have rheumatoid arthritis. We went to Krakow at Easter with my 2 teenage sons who are over 6ft. We walked nearly 30k steps a day, DS1 also likes to walk everywhere. Yes I was tired but I’m also 20 years older than you. Never at any point did I suggest taking a taxi. I work in a school and do about 12k steps on a normal day!!

I have never been to Lisbon ot had pastel de nata. Will fix both of those soon, so, cheers @georgiexox

Think we’d all be understanding if OP had mobility issues but she doesn’t.

That does sound unreasonable. Even when I was young and jogging 6 miles in under and hour I couldn't do that for more than half the day. The slow walking in museums and galleries is actually really tiring, it's easier to walk faster.

I'm changing my vote now I've read that. YANBU

I'm fit and healthy. I work out, I can walk miles in the countryside, partner the same but city walking on hard surfaces even in good trainers etc absolutely kills me after a couple of days. Hence I cannot imagine trying it with a bmi of 48 in all honesty.
Also, there's no way I'd be in heat doing loads of miles either so kudos to the poster doing 30k steps in 35 degrees..not happening in my world.

I'm glad you realise that you need to get fitter. You are only 28 so you will be active for the next 20 years just coping with your next holidays, shopping, having kids etc.

Yes, do yourself a favour and start to power walk for an hour each day. 12000 steps is sensible each day at your age.

On your holiday in Lisbon, your boyfriend should have compromised and planned to leave earlier in the cool, to walk less in the heat of the day, more in the evening and to utilize trams, a taxi etc.sometimes in the middle of the day when walking up hills.

If you have to walk in the heat try buying a vest that can carry icepacks and wearing walking runners and cushioned socks and a hat with a spacefor an icepack. Always carry water and wear a hat.

It is fine to spend a couple of hours of each day apart while on holidays.