AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Wow, this is brand new information.

High tax payer here who is very happy to support OP.

I don’t think I can direct my tax away from mean, spiteful, judgemental nobbers though, more’s the pity.

It’s information the OP wants to ignore, and instead is cracking jokes about food. Her boyfriend is an irrelevance in comparison to her worsening health status.

People aren’t missing anything -they’re deliberately putting the boot in because obvs anyone weighing more than a waif deserves nothing less

we've reached MN peak pacing: walking 30k steps, re up hill whilst balancing other heat and while the equivalent of feeding

If he wants to continue these holidays then you are not compatible, no? I am on holiday with DH right now in a very hilly city and we are walking around 25k steps per day up some hills that are like walls. DH is nearly 60. We love doing this so if one of us couldn't or didn't want to anymore then the other would be disappointed.

You sound just like I was in 2019. I went to the doctor and found out that I had an under active thyroid. I now take levothyroxine, have lost 6 stone and walk miles just because I enjoy walking. Ask your GP for a thyroid function and tpo antibodies test.

I think if a woman posted here to say she’d gone on a city walking holiday with her boyfriend but he was too overweight to do what they’d planned, no one would have any sympathy for him. No one would be saying that the woman should make compromises and start getting taxis on the walking holiday, just to accommodate an unfit and overweight partner.

I don’t think a 35 minute walk is far, tbh OP. Not for a city walking holiday.

You’re upset that your boyfriend didn’t compromise and get a taxi - but then that misses the whole point of the holiday. I suspect your boyfriend is/was feeling rather frustrated - as evidenced by his comment about you taking food back to your hotel room later.

It’s not unreasonable to ask for him to walk slower because of the disparity in your heights. It’s not unreasonable to ride the trams up the big hills. But to refuse to walk for half an hour on a walking holiday and to just sit in a cafe instead - it’s a bit shit really.

I wonder if really these walking holidays aren’t really your thing, irrespective of weight? If that’s the case, you’re going to need to talk to your boyfriend about agreeing to do separate activities in advance if you go away again.

I would also use how you’re feeling now as the impetus to make some changes. It’s easy to be determined to lose weight but once you’re back in everyday life, the motivation can slide.

Have there been any occasions of other things you can’t manage because of your weight? I just wonder if your boyfriend’s lack of sympathy is because he’s reaching the end of his tether. The fact you have a BMI of 48 but agreed to a walking holiday in Portugal in June suggests you’re somewhat in denial about how your weight affects your life.

Also, the fact you’re so focused on your boyfriend not being kind enough rather than it being the impetus to kickstart a health drive is revealing. I’d be absolutely mortified if my weight meant I couldn’t participate properly in a planned holiday (and I say this as a larger woman too).

You’re really young OP - believe me when I say now is the time to tackle your health. It gets much more difficult as you get older. Best of luck in getting things moving in the right direction.

Why don't you start a thread to gently encourage an improvement in your fitness. The vipers of MN aren't all as beastly as this thread might suggest. You say you like a pool holiday, regular swimming would be a great start.
No one needs to tell you you're overweight or unfit, but it will get much harder to improve things the older you get. If you want to change things the sooner the better.
I'm wondering if your DP chose this trip on purpose as a wake-up call. Any distances to walk in hilly areas in boiling weather would be difficult for most people . If he'd given it any thought he must have realised you'd struggle. I know I would.

Sorry you’re just making excuses, I was you although my BMI was nowhere near yours due to my height but from a weight point I weighed similar! You’re in the category of morbidly obese and damaging your health every day you don’t try to take control of what you’re eating. A desk job doesn’t make you overweight, it’s the calories you’re eating that does that. My an appointment with your GP and ask for a referral to a dietitian, in the meantime keep a food diary of everything you eat and that is absolutely everything, you’ll be surprised how many empty calories your consuming. Consuming 500 additional calories a day leads to a weight gain of 1lb over a week. There are also plenty of TDEE calculators online that will help you work out how many calories you need to safely loose weight. You can do this and you’ll feel so much better and more confident in yourself.

This sounds like a lack of fitness on your part rather than an illness or disability/injury preventing you from walking.
In this case he has a point that you planned a type of holiday and didn’t train accordingly to be ready for it. I think it’s reasonable you went to a cafe whilst he went off his own for some bits but equally it would have been nice for him to agree to some taxis - think compromise should have been the key here.

48 is a really high bmi.

I hope this has given you the right motivation to get fitter and lose weight. Think positively rather than negatively and set yourself a goal of a similar holiday in a years time where you can properly participate. Good luck and hopefully also enjoy the journey.

I sincerely mean this kindly but I hope this is a wake up call for you.

21 months ago, I was 18 stone 3lb , 5ft 3, BMI 43 so not too dissimilar as to yourself. However, I don’t have youth on my side and I am nearly 60.
I won’t bore you with the details but I a wake up call and this resulted in my mindset changing or otherwise I doubt I would be here writing this today.

Since then, I have lost over 5 stone, BMI now 31.
My fitness levels have never been as good as they are. I aim for my step count to be an average of 12k a day and my walking route involves hills to get the heart rate going.

If I can make these changes, so can you.

With respect to the BF, having such different levels of physical fitness and attitude to fitness, surely this has to impact on your relationship.
Hopefully, fitness aside, you are compatible, but if not, I can see him running off to the sunset without you.

If you want to make healthy changes and improve your lifestyle, start today.
You can do this girl 💪

I suspect it was a wake up call for your bf, seeing how much you struggled. It’s difficult watching someone you live pile on the pounds, especially if they don’t seem to be taking steps to improve it ( eating too much, etc).

You should talk to him about how he made you feel in holiday. Imo, you could’ve both had a lovely time if he walked and you met him at the.various landmarks in a taxi, or you bought a tourist but ticket for yourself on the day. That way he could’ve walked and you could’ve enjoyed the sites under less pressure and then still spent time together.

Sorry to say but this does not constitute as a lot of walking whatsoever… It’s less than an average day for me, yesterday I did 17k which is about average but some days I do 30k. On city breaks I definitely do 30k, we walk EVERYWHERE, even in 35 degree heat in Italy. Take this as a wake up call, you need to get fit.

Im sorry OP, I would be upset by that as well. I think people have jumped on the wrong part of your post, you know you are overweight and unfit so you don’t need people jumping in to say it over and over again.
After doing 2 days of doing what he wanted he should have asked what you wanted to do for a day, once you had explained you were struggling he should have listened and booked a taxi if you had wanted to go somewhere.
Im walk a lot, however after our last child I have issues with veins in one of my legs. They throb/burn if I’m on my feet a lot especially in the heat. I wouldn’t expect a partner to start moaning about missing aspects of the view if we took a taxi somewhere if I had walked for 2 days and then needed a break.
It sounds like he likes to do things his own way, being a planner is one thing, being controlling is another.
You weren’t a super fit walker when you met him, so why would he think you’d want to go marching around for days somewhere hilly, hot with loads of steps….
You sound like you don’t have much in common, if he’s going to get sniffy when he should be showing you some care and consideration, I would be carefully considering what the future will look like if you stay.
Another vote for chub rub shorts from either snag or popsy. They come in amazing colours, I wear them under dresses at work because I work in a preschool/nursery and run around, crawl (children randomly try and go under dresses) and they are so comfy!

I do 10-13K steps on a working day and I work full time at a desk job. I do however walk for the school run twice a day. I also walk for 10 mins at home after my meals as I have insulin resistance. You really need to work on your fitness levels if you are struggling so much at age 28!

Disagree. This is a city break, surely everyone walks around a lot on those? The whole premise is you go for a few days and try to cram as much of the city in as possible in that time. OP knew this before going. She’s not even 30 and struggles to walk 13k steps a day. It should be a wake up call.

Your comment about being miserable without having a cake has really struck me. It's not healthy to use food, especially high sugar and fat food, as a mood enhancer or reward.

Couldn't just sitting in a cafe in a beautiful city with a coffee, a sparkling water and your book been enough?

I just thought it was a point to be aware of.

That sounds so uncomfortable, what a dreadful holiday. I'm angry on your behalf.

A holiday should be something that refreshes you and relaxes you. This just sounds like it was torture for you. I wonder if your boyfriend likes having an overweight gf he can boss around and feel superior to, and effectively torture by making her march around endlessly.

Why did you keep going until you felt this bad? Are you afraid of what he'd say if you didn't?

He sounds just so dreadful. Lose him first, and then look at getting fitter after that

A city break doesn’t mean you can’t cut your partner some slack if they are struggling.
As I said in my post they are not compatible, even though I love to walk, I’m also 5ft 2 and wouldn’t want to have to stride after a 6ft 1 walking companion determined to only do things his way in the scorching heat.

That number of steps in itself reflects a normal week of walking in to town, taking grandkids to the park etc for me. I’m 67 . However - and this is a big however ! Are you talking about a recent trip? I live in Southern Europe and we are in a heatwave. That halves the amount of walking I can do. So OP if you have been braving the hills of Lisbon in this weather I feel for you.

We do our strenuous trips between September and April because we actually want to enjoy ourselves.

I think I’d be pissed off if I booked a city break and my DH said he was struggling to walk 13k steps a day, tbh one day was less than 10… I agree they’re currently incompatible but only if OP is happy being overweight and unfit. If she resolves that, maybe they can be compatible once again.

It doesn’t sound like he was nasty. Why should he have to hide his feelings about this? He’s disappointed, and it’s been caused by something you have control over.

So your fella sounds very unsympathetic. Is he a bit of a dick or is he neurodiverse and not really able to be empathetic? You do have a BF problem too here and you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel and the little comments are belittling rather than being encouraging to make a change and therefore making you more unhappy and spiralling.

But also what are you going to do about it? Is it reasonable to get more daily activity in? Eg go for a walk on a lunch break? How can you start getting your step count up to 10k daily? I would say that is a minimum tbh.

can you also perhaps do something other than walking too? Microdose some exercise in your life eg 5 press ups and 10 squats in the morning to start, hold a wall squat whilst making a cup of tea. Walking is vital but actually weights are more beneficial for overall health. Look up some 10 minute workouts.

Also how can you change your diet? If you eat a lot of ultra processed foods they are not going to be giving your brain the signals of being full as they are so heavily processed. Instead of counting calories just start to focus on whole foods and also amount of hidden sugar. Can you keep sugar below say 50g daily to start? (Have a look at the sugar free recipe books for ideas). I changed my diet and exercise in my 30s and completely transformed. I never counted a calorie. It isn’t too late - small steps x