AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

@georgiexoxI think you’ve handled some of the comments on here amazingly and honestly a lot of people on here aren’t really trying to be helpful, they just want to stick the boot in!!
At the end of the day, you matter too, you tried your absolute hardest to create the trip that he wanted but did he give you that in return?
I would reflect on that a bit. Relationships are about give and take and it sounds like he wasn’t able to give you that bit of kindness you deserve…which makes me sad for you.

Please take care of yourself and don’t take the unkind or self-congratulatory comments too much to heart!

Suggest

Some cities have hop on, hop off bus routes for tourists

Or local buses, trams, bicycles

Mumsnet really is a place of low empathy and judgemental. I can’t believe the amount of replies who have such a simplistic view that because you were struggling due to weight, then it’s fine if your DP abandoned you. It’s your own fault. If OP finds out next week that actually she had an illness, which caused her to be temporarily unwell and that’s why she was struggling, I bet suddenly people would be a lot more sympathetic.

He was out of order and I’m sorry it ruined your break

I agree op.

And fwiw, I can normally walk about 30,000 steps a day quite happily BUT there is no way I'd be ruining my holiday doing that up hills in the heat just to feel smug about my step count

Wandering about a city to explore it is lovely in the right conditions, but insisting on it in that sort of heat sounds hellish.

Your partner is not a very nice man OP. Don’t get stuck with this one, please.

Holidays don't bring out the best in people. Expectations and disappointments, don't judge him on the holiday in isolation, but I'd be gently looking at the relationship as a whole. 18 months is still figuring out one another stage, it's long enough to know each others buttons but also short enough that you might still masking flaws. Did his mask come off over the holiday and this was him or was it let down, disappointed and frustration? If it's his mask get rid, if it's the latter I'd look to see how this fits alongside the rest of him

Ignore the steps of others, but look to yourself. Did you enjoy the city break and the sight seeing? Big picture you need to make changes this you already know but you are young you have time. By the sounds of it this was a more active weekend than normal. What can you learn from the bits you enjoyed make new weekend habits that will hopefully give you that confidence and belief that you can build on your fitness. If you can do it with people that can lift up your spirits and emotional health the better... You can decide if the boyfriend fits in that box.

You are disappointed in the trip and the boyfriend. Take the positives and reflect on the negatives that's all we can ever do in life.

I hope you have read enough comments from people who's husbands/partners would not mind a sudden shift in holiday plans to accommodate what the other person needs, to realise that what he did on this holiday is not an acceptable way to treat you, he can be frustrated of course, but to carry it on into the evening and still have the hump with you is shocking.

But, from everything you have said it actually points to a bigger problem in your relationship IMO, I'm been various weights over the years, up to nearly 20 stone, and I know from experience that at 14/15 stone plus, even just carrying an extra stone in weight can have quite an impact on your mobility and fitness, and you have put on two stone since being with him in the last year?

It sounds like he is a bit fed up of it impacting you, and you not addressing it in any meaningful way.. so it has now turned into frustration about your activity level and 'comments' around food, rather than him feeling he can discuss it with you. It is worrying though, as it's one thing to be a consistent heavier weight and tolerate it fine, it's another to be rapidly gaining weight with no end in sight, and it impacting your ability to walk around comfortably.

I'm the last person to fat shame anyone, but losing weight is bloody hard, I wished someone would have given me a wake up call before I got to my heaviest weight, as I had to work so much longer and harder to get back into a lower weight bracket to get any level of fitness back.

I was there at the same time as you OP. I walked around 16,000 steps per day, I’m average weight, fairly fit and healthy, and I was absolutely knackered at the end of every day. Between the hills and the steps and the awkwardly tiled surfaces and the sun it was really hard work.

It sounds like you did your best. I think doing what you did - spending time in a cafe and letting him go off and explore - made perfect sense.

He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

But then, you didn't know you had reason to be worried, which seems fair enough. Did he give you any indication that he planned on doing so much walking?

It needs to be borne in mind that this was a holiday for both of you, and if it was making you miserable through being in pain, then you weren't getting a holiday. No holiday has to involve route-marching day after day for the sake of it.

London isn’t known for its hills.

I’m another poster who thinks that 12000 steps on relatively flat ground and 12000 steps over a hilly area in the heat are just totally different things! I walk miles on holiday (easily 30k steps) every day for over a week, but one day at Alton Towers wipes me out! Plus all the standing you’re doing in museums that the stepometer isn’t counting!

I think it’s a bit weird of your DP to be so
inflexible when he could see you were struggling. There’s a time and a place for motivational fitness coaching if that’s what his plan was, and being “disappointed” that you’re physically suffering and can’t continue on your holiday is not how to do it! He’s physically fitter and taller so it’s easier for him. And he was pretty shitty by the sounds of it, for not just making some adjustments to the plan. You clearly tried as hard as you could.

@georgiexox , Sorry I was blunt earlier.
You are young, you have your life ahead of you. This man is not for you.

You can work on getting your weight to a healthier place and you come across as someone thoughtful, kind and pleasant. You tried your best on holiday and he did what he wanted with no thought for you.
You deserve better than that selfish toad.

(too tired to be articulate)

I'm not at all overweight. I would still struggle with going from my normal activity level to suddenly doing thousands of extra steps per day.

Me too. Fuck that. I'm not holidaying the olympics.

I love chilling out on a terrace with a coffee or a glass of wine watching the world go by. Gives me time to reflect too.

I wish people would stop saying oh just get yourself on the jabs like it’s taking a paracetamol
OP might be able to use them, she might not. We have no idea of other meds she’s on or any other health conditions
she’s also still entitled to a holiday despite her weight

OP, you sound lovely. Your boyfriend sounds like a selfish knob. Has he apologised for his behaviour? Have you talked about it since?

Honestly I think that when you see this kind of unkindness in a person, it's the biggest red flag there is. A decent person can be disappointed and frustrated but still look at the positives - we're here together, we can still see the sight even if we take a taxi, it's fun to have a more laid back day, and I want my partner to feel good. But to sulk and strop and ruin the fun is a dead giveaway of a person who's no good for you.

I'd throw this one back OP.

Don’t think you read the full post?

It’s your holiday too and it sounds like you did loads of walking . You’re 50% of this couple, it’s your holiday too and if you’re struggling or uncomfortable then of course he should understand. But hopefully you also understood that he wanted to go off and explore. But surely as a grown up couple that is ok.

My exH was a big walker and sometimes so militant about it, people like and enjoy different things and you’re allowed to not want to days and days of waking , even if you did sign up for it, you’re an adult with agency and you’re allowed to change your mind if you like.

The boyfriend is getting a hard time here, you’ve a BMI of 48 aged 28???? That’s seriously unhealthy. Yet you’re making jokes about pastel de natas?! Have you not considered your risk of type 2 diabetes? You say youve put in 1.5 stone in the past few months, that’s a lot, surely?! Maybe this does need to be a wake up call for you……

If you turn this the other way. Very overweight DH and you slim and active. He has agreed on a busy holiday but is struggling to walk and complaining. I think MN voters would have a different opinion ? LTB comments come to mind.

Yes, I know i'm obese and unhealthy, you're not telling me anything I've not been told so many times already!

And it's a joke ffs, what am I meant to do, be miserable constantly?

Very good comment from Rainbowcat77 a short while ago.

OP good luck with the future.

I'm bigger, my husband is skinny. He is very fit and goes for a run pretty much every day, including on holiday. He goes fir a run befire i get up.

But when we do stuff together I completely could not keep up with him so we adapt things for us both.

Hopefully, boyfriend can adapt things for you. You can get fitter, I hope, but even so it still takes give and take in a relationship. Xxxx

Why though? OP did everything he wanted, apart from sitting out the final afternoon's walk, and she didn't stop him going, and also suggested a taxi so he could have had her with him if it was that big of a deal to him.
It was her holiday too.

You have way bigger issues than your boyfriend.You’re morbidly obese at a young age. You can’t walk for any normal amount of time. My advise to you is concentrate on your weight and get it down to a healthy level.

How is that helpful ffs? OP knows, you're not telling her anything she's unaware of, you're just sticking the boot in.
Her boyfriend is getting a hard time because he wasn't kind or considerate.