AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I think what people aren’t accounting for fully is the effect of heat and hills, which in combination can be really hard. So, you might’ve thought those distances sounded ok, but been wrongfooted when you got there. Either way, your husband should’ve compromised because he should put you first at least some of the time. You’d done most things his way after all.

I think the two issues are mostly separate.

There’s your weight and fitness, which you’re aware of. When you said BMI of 48 my heart went out to you as it must be very hard to manage strenuous things at that weight and to lose weight from that point. Could you seek some support, e.g. see your GP as a starting point if you’ve got a nice one? This is purely about you and your health and you deserve to put that first and be healthy. It’s much easier with a clear plan and good support system. I wish you luck with that.

Your husband’s attitude is, to me, a separate issue. Maybe he is frustrated by your weight and worried about your health, and showing it in this weird way by trying to make you do stuff to prove some sort of point. Or maybe he just isn’t very thoughtful. You tried and he should’ve shown you more care.

Whatever becomes of the husband situation, focus on yourself and your health. Shame isn’t helpful - easy to say, but hard to put into practice I know. If you can, refocus on yourself for now rather than your husband’s opinions. Love yourself first.

If your BMI is 48, I am sorry OP, the thing you need to be worried about is not holidays and not your boyfriend's attitude.
It's your health. The health risks you are carrying are really , really scary.
Get yourself on the weight loss jabs ASAP.

Very gently, saying very gently does nothing to ameliorate what you just said.

Presumably then you have never, ever smoked a cigarette or tried an alcoholic drink? Never ridden a motorbike/gone skiing/skydiving/bungee jumping? By that token I assume you've never worn high heels because we all know how easy it can be to topple off them and twist an ankle? Never crossed the road if the little man isn't green or broken a speed limit? The information is all out there about how dangerous these things can be. Should I carry on?

Perhaps he didn't make an assumption that being larger meant the OP would struggle to walk. Lots of larger women have the stamina to walk long distances, because the ability to do that is based on things like fitness, how accustomed you are to walking, and overall health.
If OP starts regular walking she'll soon build up, particularly given how young she is.
I actually think to decide he didn't want to be with a larger woman because he wanted to walk, and assumed she wouldnt, would be quite offensive, because that's making a massive judgement and assumption about OW women.
Its not up to him to guess what she's capable of by the appearance of her body. It's up to her to tell him, in advance so plans can be made accordingly.

I walk all the time as I don't drive. Normal weekday would be circa 20,000 steps, but if I go out with people that can't keep up, we compromise and use public transport or take extra breaks. Don't blame everything on your weight, most of the time it's people that are far skinnier than me that can't keep up, but it's because they drive everywhere normally!

I think your partner could have been much more considerate.

I'd say if this is the sort of thing you want to do again, introduce more walking into your day to day (park further away from walk, walk to the shop etc).

Lisbon in the summer is brutal. I know slim people who have struggled. I also know slim people who have really struggled in the UK during the recent heatwave. You are not unreasonable to have wanted to get some taxis there, context is everything. I'm overweight myself and can walk miles (20,000+ steps) with no issues whatsoever when I go to Scandinavia in the winter, for example, including on difficult terrain. But as soon as it's over about 25° I struggle because I simply cannot cope in the heat. My husband is fitter than me but it's not noticeable unless it is hot and hilly. So I don't think you were unreasonable at all, and I also don't even necessarily think your weight is a main factor here. Hills and heat are hard for many people of all shapes and sizes.

You weren't unreasonable at all. He sounds like he has a plan in his head and can't be flexible about changing it. But relationships do involve a bit of compromise and understanding.

It's not wildly different in effect rather than cause to if you'd sprained your ankle or had eaten something dodgy. I sense he would have been displeased with any interruptions to the plan.

You weren't trying to disrupt it, you didn't want to be struggling. It was hot and hilly. I'd have used public transport more. But I'd be really disappointed that he wasn't more caring and understanding.

You are so young OP, but its a learning curve. You are not fit, you certainly cant be trailing around in high 20s heat at your weight. That is madness. But, and I say this kindly, 10,000 steps a day is what most people aim for every day so if these kinda holidays interest yous both, maybe he can be supportive and walk with you on an evening?

She did walk lots, just not as much as he did.

That’s really low OP. I had a few days in London recently and did around 30000 each day for 4 days.

I think his frustration may come from the fact that this impacted him and the holiday he thought he would have. You did know what kind of holiday it was and instead of being upfront and honest with yourself and him about the impact your weight has on you, you ended up changing the holiday he thought he would have.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve always been big. Any negative impact about your size has been hidden from him, and this was the first time it smacked him in the face. Your not just overweight, your so heavy that you can’t really manage to walk around and hit approx 12,500 steps.
I had a similar realisation when my partner was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Before that his weight and diet choices just impacted him, but at that point he was playing with his health and we have kids. I was so disappointed and frustrated he’d allowed himself to get to that point.

So many harsh comments..

I think your partner was being unreasonable. He has known you for 18 months.. he is 6ft1 and a runner.. you are 5ft2 and have a BMI of 48... either he is completely self absorbed or he was trying to punish you.

Lisbon in the summer is a tough city to walk around. My kids and I went 2 years ago.. they all play sports, run half marathons.. we all needed cold drinks and ice cream stops as well as using the trams and metros for part of the journey and we only did 2 days in the city with beach either side.

My partner is a very active fit man, but there is no way he would try to run me into the ground and then moan at me or be in a mood if I said 'enough'...

Put yourself at the centre of your life and see if there is a place for him.

All those steps your DH really is an action man. You did a lot of walking.

Thank you for the replies everyone I do really appreciate it.

To everyone telling me I need to lose weight...I do know that!

To pick up a couple of questions/points people have made...

I've been with him just over 18 months, so its not a long term thing where i've been slim when i met him and got like this. I was about 16 1/2 - 17 stone when we met, so i was already big and he knew that.

Maybe I was naive in thinking i could do all the walking but I thought i could. Maybe I didn't really appreciate just how much it'd be as he was doing the planning, but i went with the intention of doing it, and I didn't think i'd spoil his holiday.

There's lots of people talking about how many steps they do and how that how many I did isn't a lot. That's fine, but it was a lot for me. I tried as hard as i could the first two days...I spent most of them out of breath and pouring with sweat which was really not nice but I kept going.

By the third day my back was hurting, my ankles and feet were hurting, and my thighs were so sore from rubbing so much (even with good shorts and chub rub stick on). I still tried to keep going but when I saw the walk he had planned after lunch, I just couldn't face it. I know some think its laziness but i really did try my hardest.

I understand he was frustrated but its not like I was doing it on purpose, it was just too much. I had sweat rashes and chafing, and the idea of walking another 30 mins plus in the heat, some of it uphill, was too much.

I just wanted a bit of empathy and support from him

She did suggest a taxi .

I think your boyfriend doesn't sound all that great. He could easily have decided to have a bit more of a chill day, or even half a day to allow you to rest for a bit. It's your holiday, too!
what kind of things has he said to you about your eating in the past? Sometimes we don't notice behaviour if it's just under the radar, but we do begin to notice patterns. Keep an eye out.
one last thing; I wouldn't use the chub rub stick for my thighs (i am also obese, but working on it). I don't think they work too well. Roll on deodorant on one thigh is better - and cheaper! My absolute go to recommendation though, is chub rub shorts from snag tights. These are a game changer!!
I hope your next holiday away is more enjoyable for both of you. Maybe a trip like Barcelona, where you can combine beach and with walking with nice wine bars and tapas places in between x.

just realising I managed to post this in a completely unrelated thread! And I'm unable to edit.

He sounds unkind and unreasonable- you didn't know you'd be hot and tired before you got there, it sounds as if he was trying to keep you to a promise, you said you'd be happy to explore on foot, so you were supposed to suck it up and stick by his side.

The unkindness is the red flag for me.

My son and partner did Porto last summer. Both young and fit. In the heat one day they did a very hilly route 26k steps. They both decided to take it easy the next day and do the wine and port area.

I hate walking with my husband I'm same height as OP I just can't keep up with him and he can't slow down.

Remember that guy in Greece the fitness guru he went out one morning, didn't return. They found his body below the hills. They think he passed out with dehydration.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Looking at Lisbon map it's very warm

Thank you! I'll have a look at those shorts! I did get a pack of good quality cycling shorts which i think helped a bit, but only so much.

His comments about my eating are usually just little things, like if we're ordering food he might say something like "that's quite a lot". Or we had one when we were away with the pastel de natas where i'd brought some back to the room in the evening after the cafe and he said "how many of them have you had?". That was the same evening he was annoyed about the walking/taxi thing.

I expect he’s also pretty disappointed about how the holiday played out.

It doesn’t sound like the relationship is going to last very long I’m afraid.

But my job is really sedentary and so I make a point of walking in my lunch hour and after work.
You have to make the effort to get out there and exercise. You can’t always blame it on your job. You need to change your outlook and develop an active lifestyle.
But I really don’t think you want to. You have made lots of comments about how unfit you are and how you need to lose the weight, but nothing proactive about actually doing something about it.

I walk a lot and wouldn't want to be getting taxis on a city break.
But it was pretty unrealistic to expect someone who leads a sedentary lifestyle, with a BMI of 48 to suddenly walk > 10000 steps per day in 30 degree heat. I think you were both a bit unrealistic this time. A compromise could have been alternating walking with a taxi.
Maybe you could start going on walks together in ''every day' life. You will build up your exercise tolerance walking regularly.

Hmm, still not sounding the best, tbh. However, we're only getting a small glimpse of him through your (understandably) hurt and annoyed pov. Next time he makes a comment, you could ask him if he flat out wants to say something directly and if not, he can zip it. You know yourself what needs to be done so don't need unhelpful dogs or "reminders"

one more thing I forgot to say in my other post. You mentioned your step count from your health app on your phone. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't find the step count of my phone always matched with my apple watch. Often quite a disparity. I'd be interested to see what your boyfriend's watch said, even for the difference between phones.