AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

So because OP couldn’t do something that doesn’t mean her boyfriend shouldn’t be kind and accommodating. She was the same size and level of overweightness when they got together - why would he get with a woman who is clearly very large if he wants to walk everywhere?

She needs to work on her fitness but she doesn’t have to be with someone who won’t make accommodations when she’s unable to do something.

I think there was a compromise to be had here. Suddenly going everywhere on foot for 4 consecutive days - walking to everywhere you wanted to visit then walking round those places too, I’d wager you were doing around 20,000 steps a day - when it’s not what you usually do, would make anyone weary / achey.
I love walking and am not overweight but I would suggest 2 days of this then 2 days taking it a bit easier would be less strenuous and more enjoyable?
Being kind OP, your bf sounds a bit dickish intense.

sorry I don’t meant to pick on you! It’s just that there’s 15 pages of primarily the same sort of thing, despite the fact the OP has said many times on the thread she is aware she is obese and unfit and needs to do something about it.

If OP had said she had any other chronic health condition eg arthritis, or chronic fatigue, or asthma, she would be getting very different advice here about how selfish and inconsiderate her partner is. But because she mentioned weight, everyone feels entitled to pile on & has missed the point.

They are faster so allow more to be seen - like galleries and genuinely interesting cultural sites - rather than getting in the step count, which can be saved for being at home.

Buses etc are fine if you are wanting to save money, but if that isn't a concern, taxis tend to be more efficient. And when they aren't I guess people do take the metro etc - though you see nothing from the windows.

🎯

I actually find it disgusting the way people behave like this.

I hope this doesn't sound unkind, but with a BMI of 48 and not being able to walk that amount of steps at 28, I really hope you've had a bit of a wake up call about the seriousness of the situation - please start to consider your health and how you can start to incorporate movement into your day. Maybe a walking pad while you're working? Getting out for a walk before and after work? I find podcasts and music make it more fun. Team RH have a great calorie counting app and personal nutrition experts too.

What a ridiculous question. Not all holiday destinations have decent transport, some don’t have any at all. I would get a taxi home late at night, or going somewhere off the beaten path, if I was tired and hot, if I had young children, or with my elderly parents or I wanted to get somewhere quickly plus all the other usual reasons people use taxis.

agree! In the time it took me to read your reply, the very next post after yours is more of the same “see this as a wake up call” 😤

You can't always know how you'll handle something until you try it. OP, you gave it a try until it became too much. At that point, your partner should have tried to hide his disappointment and found a compromise. Taking a taxi for some of the travel would have allowed you to continue to enjoy the holiday with him. Another time, he may find himself being the one 'holding you back' from your original plans, due to advancing age, illness, or other issues. Would he want you to be understanding and open to work-arounds or visibly disappointed/annoyed about something beyond his control?

These are the things that separate the good partners from the mediocre.

I hope this doesn't sound unkind

Hope all you like, but, yes, it does sound unkind.

I’m not excusing it, but I wonder if his disappointment and being pissed off was because it hit him hard that this will be life with OP. He obviously knows she’s very overweight, but day to day it doesn’t particularly affect him.

OP, my partner and I have different holiday needs and wants. We are both very fit and active in daily life, and on holiday I want to maintain that whereas he wants to relax and not move much on some days! Our solution is to do things together 60-70% of the time, and the rest we please ourselves. I’ll go for a hike and he’ll put his feet up with a book. Is that worth thinking about?

This is a tough one because I totally get how he feels, I am a very active person and can walk all day. I holiday with my daughter, she’s 22 and has mobility issues so can’t walk very far, it means we can’t do the kind of holiday I would like to do. I am single and if I was to be in another relationship I think I would struggle being with someone who can’t walk for more than a hour at a time.

He probably should have made it more clear as to how much walking there would be and made allowances for the fact you may not be able to walk as far as him. He could have still walked and you could have took a taxi? Or maybe done half walking half taxi?

I can understand why your partner would be disappointed, but I do think it's unreasonable he wasn't more accommodating so you could overcome the immediate issue together whilst holiday so you could make the best of it together.

You could have got a bus rather than taxis if he was concerned about the expense. And if this was during one of the recent heatwaves then I think he's being extra unreasonable. I'm the sort that enjoys walking around exploring for hours too, but when we went to Madrid in a heatwave we did the open top bus tour one day as it was just too hot to enjoy the long walks!

Too late for solutions now of course, but this should have been how the conversation went in my opinion, rather than you splitting up and him carrying on walking whilst you waited in the cafe if that's not what either of you really wanted. I'm sure you could have found a better compromise.

His reaction is presumably indicative of his frustration at your weight gain and your progress in losing the weight.

I've seen it in real life.

When people see overweight people they just think of the fitness and less about actually how much extra energy being overweight takes.
Being overweight shouldn't stop you blah blah blah. How many could do the same as OP did whilst carrying another human? Not many.

I was aiming for balance, it was hard. She needs to make changes from a long term perspective it took decades for her body to struggle but actually she's probably fitter than she thinks and by focussing on what she couldn't do on this break and not what she could.

There is a lot of fat shaming on this thread. OP didn’t ask if we thought she was overweight and unfit, she asked if we thought her partner could have been a bit more understanding. Which he could have been, seeing as he is her partner.

She did!

Your bf can see you’re overweight and clearly is attracted to you. With a BMI that’s quite high he can hardly be surprised that you’d struggle with hills etc.

OP, do you want to improve your health?

I think some people have different expectations of a city break. Some people want to get out and see 'everything' like a tick box exercise so they can say they have done a city. Other people prefer to soak up the surroundings and save things for another visit. Neither is wrong, its simply about preference.

This was what I was trying to say.

I think he was quite selfish. He knows your size and fitness level so to choose a walking holiday in the heat is inconsiderate.
I think there needed to be a balance between having a day out walking, then having a day where you could stay at the hotel and go to the pool if there was one for a rest day, and then the next day walking again.
I think he definitely could have considered looking at transport, surely there must have been buses the locals use too if he was worried about the cost of a taxi?

I was on holiday with a slim and active friend, but she needs to eat like a hummingbird and I eat like a camel - I can go all day and she just can't, she needs to stop regularly for a snack and a rest.

This made me chuckle , reminds me of when I go away with my fit and slim friend and she is weeping 'why aren't you hungry?' after a few hours of wandering around, and I point to my capacious belly and say 'stockpiling !'

With a BMI of 48 you are effectively walking around as an averaged sized 5ft2 woman giving a second averaged sized 5ft2 woman a piggy back.

Up hills and steps in 30 degree temperatures. Lets see how the skinny minnies get on doing the same with 57kg in a backpack ? I have a feeling their ankles and backs might be a little tender ?

Sorry but he sounds like a twat. At your BMI (and I say this as a fat woman myself) you will be visibly fat. It's not like you were hiding it. I doubt he assumed you were secretly a marathon runner. He should therefore have expected, and understood, that you may find walking in the heat and long distances difficult and plan the holiday accordingly.

It's supposed to be a nice holiday not the hunger games.

I think your last sentence is actually really important. He either knew or ought to have known what was going to happen because you didn't change materially in between booking the holiday and going on it. It'd be like me arranging to meet my wheelchair user friend at my local nature reserve and then getting frustrated when she found it challenging to navigate all the terrain changes and tree roots. Completely unreasonable.

That said, I hope that you are able to find ways to make some changes for your health. The weight loss board does have some really bad advice that needs to be avoided but there's a lot of good to be found there too and you'd be treated with kindness if you did want to post there.

The entire weight of human evolution that shaped our motivation and behaviour for millions of years can't be waved away with information. It's not shocking that we aren't all able to adapt in two generations when 100 shaped us.

But again, it's fun and low effort to judge and sneer. Not so fun to seek to understand and support.