AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Op, I am saying this as someone who has been more morbidly obese than you. You need to take responsibility for your health. You struggled during the holiday with your bf (I have no idea why obese people are deemed lazy when it takes so much more effort to do anything). This needs to be a wake up call for you. Take control of your health for yourself. It's only going to get worse if you don't. I speak from experience. It's taken me nearly 2 years to go from the morbidly obese to "just" overweight category. Goodness knows what damage I have done to my body that I am currently unaware of.

It was on the third day that she said he back was sore, so i think she did make an effort.

This.

Regardless of your weight.

He was massively in considerate... He planned a holiday which was walking all day.. if it was in Europe it would be in extreme heat and if you wanted a taxi he shouldnt have refused his "permission" and next time you should just book it!!!!

Also. I don't like the way you are blaming yourself and your weight and telling yourself off and taking all the blame for this.

I agree with the above that its madness to go from 0 to 60... all the fitness advice is always saying to stretch to improve flexibility and build up.. that's why its called the Couch to 5 k.. its a programme where you build up over more than a month.

You've been expected to do very long all day walking for four days on the trot. And the result was aches and pains and disappointment, which is only to be expected.
Stop blaming yourself, stop shaming yourself and stop letting your show off DH do the same. Start standing up for yourself and asking/demanding what you need.
If a holiday like that is proposed in future, do some prep.. It is a lovely holiday and we do this all the time, but with lots of breaks... think of the hydration breaks in the World cup.
Next time Get on the internet and research routes and stop over points. be in charge and plan what you know you can manage. Another trick is one day, get an open air bus around the city - you can still see just as much and do plenty of walking, but you are walking around interesting bits and resting in between. Much more relaxing, and you still get your steps in.
Don't be forced into a route march ever again and if you have to sit in a cafe... blooming well enjoy the rest! You deserve consideration, so stop apologising to people who don't give it to you!
It sounds like you had no breaks at all and just had to keep walking and walking. Horrible. Even a 30 minute break every now and then would have made it more palatable. What was the rush. You werent in a race, or catching a train. Especially if it was very sunny and you tend to burn. Don't be ashamed to say I need to stop now.
(I have photos of me running to keep up with the long legs of the DC.. they are tall and can go much faster than me.) we are all built differently.

Is illness holding you back. If so get a full check up. If you can afford it, book a session with a PT or even a physio and get some advice on how to start a walking programme. Otherwise there are loads of good You Tube vids that are free. Focus on stretching and flexibility to start and then mimic the couch to 5 k by buiding up your walking time.. (I found that a fitbit watch step counting was a good motivator) it all depends on your age and fitness. The weather's nice so start with a 15 min stroll and build up.

I would plan this on your own and just get on with it. The last thing you want is to hear people saying a week later.. I thought you were doing xyz and making you feel bad. In fact stop allowing people to make you feel so bad you give up. Make your plan one that works for YOU!.. Slow and steady wins the race.

Why are people on here always getting taxis when on holiday?? To me a taxi is perhaps for getting to/from the airport and going home after a night out, but on here people always get taxis on holiday. What is wrong with busses, metros and trams?

A lot of people unused to heat might struggle too even if they can normally walk long distances with ease, tbf.

Gently, I think YABU.

It sounds like you were really passive in the planning. You didn't take responsibility for your health, or think about how difficult this holiday would be on you. If you didn't think about that, how is he expected to think about that too?

It sounds like he was frustrated, but you say he wasn't mean? I'd be pretty frustrated if I'd planned a holiday, my partner didn't contribute towards that planning, agreed to come, but then couldn't actually do the things I'd put the effort into planning. I wouldn't say no to a taxi, but I'd also maybe say 'I'll meet you there, I've been looking forward to doing this on foot.'

Thing is, he's a newish partner, although OP says she's gained since, she'd hardly have been small when they got together. So she was good enough for him to get involved with, and move in with, even substantially overweight.

Yanbu, OP I've been much bigger than you and my husband gets taxis everywhere with me because he loves me and wants me to be happy/comfortable - I'm losing weight and more active now but he still prioritises me - your boyfriend sounds inconsiderate and like he's not really treating you very well

But your BMI is low 30s. If the OP really does gave a BMI of 48 then at 5'2" she's knocking on the door of 120kgs...if that really is the case then I don't understand why on Earth the bf thought basing a trip around walking about a city was going to work, and tbh I'm quite impressed the OP got as far as she did.

OP, you are getting a hard time here!

Relationships are about team work and that involves compromise and adjustment. If either of you were recovering from illness, injury, poor fitness etc then the other one would need to accommodate and be understanding! It sounds like there was zero compromise or understanding from your partner.

No,it’s not alright. He should accept you for what you are, limitations and all. It sounds like he has his own limitations, intolerance being one of them. You are taking all the blame because of your weight and unfitness when he was actually being unkind and uncaring. I’ve done plenty of city breaks and they have always a mixture of walking, public transport and taxis and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Yes, you might see more if you walk but, on the other hand, you might see more when you get to your destination because you’ve got more energy left. As it is, his behaviour caused you to miss out on a visit and him to go alone. It’s on him not you and I disagree with posters who are criticising your lack of fitness.

Had that information been in the OP it would have been obvious that OP's boyfriend had little concern about her health or comfort.

I interpreted "I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. " as the OP being 2 or 3 stones overweight, which doesn't sound much but it is if you are 5'2".

The boyfriend was probably striding ahead with his long runner's legs expecting OP to keep up.

Trying to keep up when unfit and carrying so much extra weight and in hot weather was probably putting a lot of strain on OP's body.

The man is selfish and (unintentionally, I hope) cruel.

It’s not just the steps, the hills are brutal!

I feel for you OP. I was so fat I was completely debilitated by my weight. My husband and kids have always been understanding but I felt bad I was holding them back. My rock bottom was in Dundee a couple of years ago when I was exhausted and in agony after walking 8000 steps. I’ve since lost weight on MJ and I’m still fat but I have no issues walking lots of
steps now. It’s a bit crap he was not understanding and you still would see plenty in taxis in Lisbon (plus they are cheap!)

I’m glad you have edited your post, it was vile.

Hey OP, no judgement here. It was too much for you: the distance and the heat and not being so used to physical activity - and climbing stairs and up hills is very different to being on the flat. Plus if you're small you have shorter legs and have to walk faster to keep up with a taller partner.

I'm heavy too, but was heavier to the point where it was beginning to affect my mobility but I started to walk regularly, at least an hour a day, with good results. Comfy walking shoes and chub rub shorts for my thighs. Really glad I did this, could you work up to that?

It's a shame your DP was not more willing to compromise. Not being able to cover longer walks is not just a thing for heavier people. I was on holiday with a slim and active friend, but she needs to eat like a hummingbird and I eat like a camel - I can go all day and she just can't, she needs to stop regularly for a snack and a rest. At one point she was really tired, I would have been happy to walk the 2 miles to the hotel but she was desperate for a break so of course we took the metro. Happiness restored and once rested and refuelled, we headed back out for dinner.

I get he might have been disappointed not to have the holiday he wanted, but it was your holiday too.

In fact I was in Lisbon this day last year and the day after, I did 19k and then 15k steps.

I think you have both been rather naive about what your weight means and the effect it would have on this trip.

I say this with love, I'm not going to comment on relationship but what I really want to say is don't let one lasting memory of this trip be how unreasonable he was to not let you get taxis. Use it for change and also inspiration. Make changes and go back, fitter and stronger and walk those journeys.

With a BMI of 48 you are effectively walking around as an averaged sized 5ft2 woman giving a second averaged sized 5ft2 woman a piggy back. No matter how fit you are that's exhausting. I'm not 100% sure how tall my gran was but in the 5ft2-5ft4 region and she spent most of her adult life 15+ stone and her jointed paid the price. She had two hips replacements one on both hips and one needed to be replaced again. She struggled with mobility which then made life harder when she developed incontinence issues. She over ate because of trauma losing her mother and her son close together. She ate her feelings rather the speaking about, it was a different era.

Set yourself a goal some sensible and meaningful goals. I think actually you did ok, there room for improvement for sure but you tried use that to spur you on rather than using the bad feelings of not being able to do as much you both would have like driving you back to the fridge

The OP has said repeatedly SHE KNOWS THIS

YANBU OP, no matter what your weight has become, you’re allowed to have a fitness level that didn’t cope with an unusual
Increase in activity as well as it thought it could. While understandably disappointed, he’s in an adult relationship with a mature grown woman, he’s not 5, and he could have been kinder 💖

Oh he was an arse. It was hot, hilly and you were very uncomfortable. I'm probably about 3 stone overweight and my husband is fairly fit. We're also nearly 60. But he still tries to find less steps when possible and doesn't make me sprint up hills. He would have sat with me, not left me there on my own.

I'm reminded of an old joke, something to do with how do you lose 12 stone, get rid of the hubby.

Maybe your DP wanted the situation to crop up by arranging a hot city break to a hilly place. He might not have wanted to tell you outright that he thinks you should lose weight for your health and mobility, but wanted you to come to that conclusion yourself OP. Obviously if you are happy with your weight then no one else's opinion matters.

I hadn't finished the post before I accidentally posted it

Just seen your post with your BMI. Yep I can relate to how hard it must have been. My BMI was 51. The good news is it doesn’t take a massive weight loss to change it: I was 52 when I was in Lisbon and managed all the steps easily having only lost a few stone x

With a BMI of 48 you are effectively walking around as an averaged sized 5ft2 woman giving a second averaged sized 5ft2 woman a piggy back.

So in fact OP, you are, in the physical stakes, a bit of a legend! That's more than he was managing!