AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

"not even 10,000 in one go!" Oh well, positively sloth-like then.

No-one makes little children walk 10,000 in one go - and certainly not in that heat. Or they shouldn't.

The competitive bluster around this is pathetic.

I feel for you OP. The step count would be ok in flat/cool weather, but with heat and hills and lots of fit people would find it tiring. Esp. when other travel methods were available! Besides, relationships are about compromise. I hurt a muscle in my leg before one holiday - no idea how - and I felt terrible because I couldn't walk downhill properly or take long strides, and it meant we couldn't do the long evening walks we usually do. Fortunately for me, my DH was totally sympathetic!

I went to Lisbon last June and it was incredibly hilly and tiring.

Many of the roads have steps instead of pavements.

It was also very warm. I was with my husband, brother (who likes hiking up mountains) and his wife.

We did take Ubers in the end as I couldn't face walking so many miles uphill and down stairs.

Luckily short ish journeys by Uber were very cheap. Cheaper than the four of us paying a bus fare of 2 Euros each.

Lisbon? Never again! Beautiful place though.

Temperatures in Lisbon over the last ten days have been between 29 - 38c.
Not ideal walking weather by any stretch of the imagination.
And that’s before factoring in the elevations.

City breaks do not exclusively need to rely on walking. I love a boat ride or even a bus tour on occasions.
Good travellers flex to accommodate their companions.

It was obviously a difficult situation, I think many people don't realise how hard it is to go from inactive to very active, especially in hot weather. I do think he should have compromised for your benefit.

Do take it as a wake up call though and work out what you need to do to get fitter, join a group if you can as it's hard to do alone.

I'm not overweight but definitely quite unfit.

I don't know why you say I don't seem keen on him, I wouldn't have moved in together if i wasn't!

He can be quite stubborn and has his quirks, but this was the first time i'd seen him react like he did to me, being so frustrated and annoyed

So you clearly went from not doing much walking to doing loads of walking on holiday.

You need to train up to this sort of thing. It doesn’t feel like it, but you can easily cover lots of miles walking around a relatively small city. You should’ve been going on regular 3 mile non-stop walks (or longer) with your partner in the months leading up to the holiday, at least two 1 hour walks a week. Also testing the footwear you’d be wearing on holiday is sensible.

That said, once you were there he was a bit of an arse about it. He shouldn’t have left you on your own and deliberately made you feel bad. There should have been a renegotiation about what you could and couldn’t manage and ultimately, getting taxis for the longer trips seems like a reasonable compromise.

Be careful with this one. Although I think you could’ve been better prepared, hindsight is a wonderful thing. There’s nothing you can do about it once you’re there. Ultimately, he didn’t deal kindly with something not going his way. That’s a red flag.

I say this because I’m an avid hiker. Then pregnancy did strange things to my hips. And for a few months afterwards, any walking above 20 minutes was agony. That eased off but my hips are still not right and being investigated. My partner is also an avid hiker but is always led by my capacity on any given walk. There have been times I’ve needed to get the bus back. He always stays with me (despite my suggesting he continue on) and he’s never unkind about not being able to cover the miles he was hoping. I am his priority, he goes on these trips to spend time with me as much as bagging the miles. He trusts that I wouldn’t curtail a hike unless I was really finding it too hard. He respects the capacity of my body.

In turn, I encourage him to occasionally go on much tougher hikes with his male friends or sometimes solo hikes, so his hiking ambitions can be met. Abroad holidays are always about time together first and any walking/sightseeing we can get in is a bonus.

I’m not telling you this to be smug. I’m telling you this to highlight that any one of us (fat or thin) could experience issues that affect our mobility. We need our partners to be flexible and kind with our physical limitations. Your partner doesn’t seem to be the sort who can be flexible or kind if his plans are curtailed.

In fact, my first thought on reading your post was that he sounds like the sort of chap who leaves his partner injured on a mountain because he really wants to get to the summit. I wouldn’t want to be with THAT guy 🤷🏽‍♂️ If your partner is otherwise a good man maybe ask him if he really means to be THAT guy or can he learn to be more flexible.

Are you going to take any steps to become fitter and more active? I have to be honest, I’d get the ick over a completely sedentary and unfit partner. I’m hardly a paragon of fitness myself, but I couldn’t deal with someone who seemingly knew they were overweight and unhealthy but was doing nothing about it.

It's really not. We have bodies designed to survive famines and crave high calorie food to motovate us to hunt abd gather. We live in world where high calorie food is more accessible than it's ever been.

It would be shocking if we weren't overweight.

I know.faux shock at the awful fat people is fun though. Enjoy.

She had ALREADY suggested taxis, and he had said no. She shouldn't have had to beg for it if she was clearly struggling, and had already told him.

Also, you need to learn to read. Even when it was pointed out to you that she'd asked for a taxi, you still couldn't see it.

I think the weight disclosure actually gives the context needed because when it was ‘just’ a case of maybe someone a bit out of shape, I think BF could be forgiven perhaps for not realising that it would be a struggle and getting a bit frustrated. But OP has a BMI of almost 50, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to her BF she wouldn’t be able to cope physically with what he wanted to do, so I think it makes him come off worse than originally. He was either naive or doing it to make a point, I think.

Ups and downs in weight are part of life, sometimes you put on a few stone and don't lose it for a few years. Then for whatever reason - diet, new routine, new hobbies/job, anything, it goes down again. I've watched friends and relatives weight fluctuate over the years. Yet ppl still act like it's a shock and you must need "professional help" (ffs drama) if you've put weight on and aren't as active as before. I wish these ups and downs would become more normalised and I think ppl would find it easier to lose weight if there wasn't such intensity and judgement around the issue.

I think your hubby could have been more understanding, could have flexed a bit more and balanced his need for exploring on long walks with your need to rest more and taxi now and then. I don't think you're less entitled to compromise regardless of why/how much weight etc. Honestly, the number of times I've insisted on a cab because of some poorly judged heels/strappy sandals 🤣 I've insisted on cabs for a lot less than this!

I feel like it should just be about being comfortable and finding compromise. He doesn't want to taxi everywhere, and you don't want to trek to Everest base camp. Meet in the middle.
Also - went on holiday with some very get-your-steps-in friends once and it remains to this day one of the most tedious trips I ever took, and I like walking - but do we really NEED to walk along the seafront for the 4th time in one day, when it's raining?!? If he was being a bit militant about wanting to walk everywhere I do understand that's not fun!
Hope you can find a compromise next time and have a nicer hol, and don't put yourself down - it's ok to want a more chilled holiday x

There are two things here for me. 1. Is your fitness having a negative impact on him. It sounds like it is as he can't have the type of holiday he wants. I would go potty if I couldn't walk every day. 2. How he communicates that to you which sounds poor. But 2 doesn't outweigh or negate 1.

KM covered is always a more accurate way to measure distance covered. I’ve a long stride, so I will do less steps than a friend with a shorter stride. A group of us were in Rome recently, and we paced out our strides. The majority covered a section in 7; I covered it in 5.

The OP didn’t cover many steps as it is, so if she’s shorter and therefore takes more steps to cover the same distance, then the amount she walked is even less.

I’d be mighty fed up if I was asked to take a taxi to cover what should be walkable distances on a city break.

As others have noted, as this relationship is only 1.5yrs in, it just sounds like the OP and her boyfriend aren’t compatible for city breaks, so need to just find a holiday that works for both.

We share the cooking. He had made the odd comment about what I eat, but its always been jokingly (or i've assumed it is).

I wasn't slim when we met so its not a surprise to him that I am big

I went with my husband for a weekend last year and we are fit but we were jumping in Ubers by the end. It was hot, hilly and we covered a lot on foot but it is absolutely massive. Everything seemed to be a 30 minute walk away from wherever we happened to be and sometimes the areas were not nice to walk through.

I think you’ve gotten a hard time here OP. Yeah, ok you’re overweight. He knows this, obviously. No matter on how he thought it was supposed to have gone he really had no empathy! I guess it also depends on what kind of traveler you are. Both my husband and I are very very casual travelers. If one of us had an issue and couldn’t do something we’d skip it and do something else, we don’t care much we paid or have time left, but others push until it would no longer be fun for us. Maybe he’s one of those.

Anyway, I think you deserve some empathy.

How is this helpful in anyway to the OP? She has eyes and has already acknowledged that she's significantly overweight. This is a dick move.

I’m sorry you’re feeling bad @georgiexox , but these numbers aren’t massive. I’m 5ft3, nearly 80kg (so really quite fat) and I average 14k steps per day. It’s a fitness things and attitude. Did you really, really think k you could do it or just “hope” you could? Time for a think about the future and grasp the horns so you can enjoy your life better.

OP, I’m sorry for all the crap you’re getting for being overweight, you’ve already said you know you are. Nothing useful to add on the BF. I just wanted to pip in to say, I’m also of petite height, overweight since teen years, likely because I’m also of petite height, overweight since teen years because of blunted insulin sensitivity caused by PMOS and decided to do something because I didn’t want to end up serious health issues down the line. If you are considering losing weight, a low dose of Mounjaro + AI tool/Claude is amazing. The two in tandem have helped me to change my habits, I think for life. I only ever used 2.5mg for 6 months, and even coming off I now eat a protein based diet that I enjoy (as opposed to the carbs and sugar I used to live on). I logged everything I ate and all my movement with the AI tool, and it’s now just become a new way of being, without the logging. I’ve maintained my lower weight. I guess the Mounjaro just gave me a chance to make decisions about what I was eating, and to see a bit of success which helped the momentum. At a BMI of 48 I imagine the GP would prescribe this to you. Sorry for the unsolicited advice, it was a game changer for me so wanted to share.

It's not 'faux shock'. It's shock that people have more information than ever about the risks of obesity and yet they carry on stuffing their grids with junk to the point they are compromising their health and to massive degrees.