AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Yes. And what kind of bore is still marching out his 20,000 steps in the heat, on holiday.

@georgiexox My bmi was the same as yours 15 yrs ago. Also, 5ft 2", so I do understand that it isn't easy and it can be daunting to know where to start. I'd also been a chubby kid and adult, but my weight spiralled after a serious accident.

When I was 40, I reached a point where I was told if I didn't do something about my weight and co-morbidities, I'd likely be dead in 2 years.

That was my wake up call, and I was recommended for bariatric surgery.

Over the next 2 years I lost over 120lbs and reached a bmi of 24.5. I'd lost more than my doctors wanted me to and was left with a lot of excess skin.

I really struggled with this as it was painful and I felt ugly.

I then spent the next 5 years saving up for skin removal and I let my weight go back up to cope with the loose skin.
I weighed around 12½ stone when I had the skin removed and lost about ½ stone from the skin being removed.

This gave me a boost, and despite physical limitations due to mobility issues from the accident, I managed to lose more weight and got back down to a bmi of 24.7

It isn't a easy fix; you get about 2 years where it's easy to lose weight, but then you have to work at it just as much as anyone else does, which is why lots of people regain, even after surgery.

I stayed at that weight for several years, but atm I'm about a stone and a half heavier than I'd like.

That's due simply to inactivity after a few surgeries (hip replacement), stress, and bad habits creeping in as these few surgeries didn't work, so I'm living in constant pain... hence the stress.
My fitness has dropped and I tire easily.

I'm telling you all this because even at my fittest, I'd have struggled in that heat with lots of hills, the difference is though, my dh would've adjusted his plans to take account of my limitations.

Sometimes that means he goes alone whilst I sit in the hotel or a cafe with a book, and it always means we have regular breaks so I can rest inbetween. It also means we alternate busy, active days with ones that are much less active, eg, using a car to get from A to B, pool day, etc.

My biggest regret is that I didn't lose the weight in my 20s.
Like you it went on slowly, 2½ stone with each pregnancy that I then couldn't lose, and another 3½ stone gradually as my mobility worsened.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but his handling of the situation doesn't seem particularly loving or understanding, especially as you were the size you are when you met, so your lack of fitness shouldn't have been a surprise.

Good luck with whatever you decide regarding this relationship and your health. 💐

I’ve been overweight (and mostly in the obese BMI category) pretty much my whole adult life. I used to be able to easily do 20k steps per day, sometimes more. I now have a chronic illness which really affects my ability to do things, but if I’m on holiday I can manage 15k steps on a good day (and then I have to build in rest days.) At home I try and do 10k steps per day on good days. I would definitely try and increase your step count per day if you can at home as this likely will improve stamina.

When I was healthier I travelled with friends who couldn’t walk as much as me and I agreed to take some taxis even if I wanted to walk, because I understood that sometimes there has to be a compromise.

So basically: I don’t feel that’s a huge amount of steps per day, but I think your partner could have been more understanding.

The way he reacted, it did cross my mind. Even afterwards at the hotel he seemed p*ssed off.

So do I, but I would struggle to do half that in the temperatures that OP was walking in.

I think holidays are meant to be fun and if you've reached the point of 'no more walking' it's long past being fun. That ought to lead to a sensible conversation - do you want to stay together and do something involving less walking, take public transport, take a cab or split up and do different things. It's not a reason to be mean to each other.

Straight sized, reasonably fit people can reach that 'no more walking' point with blisters / poor footwear/ feeling under the weather / heat / rain / other weather etc.

If you stay with him and I don't know if I'd stay with a partner being difficult because I couldn't walk any further in any comfort, you probably need to be more involved in the planning to plan sensible routes / to pick less hilly places or to pick non walking holidays.

Enjoying a partner suffering is a particular kind of sexual / kink thing that in most cases is a red flag outside of a negotiated kink scene. He might not have been actively enjoying you suffering perhaps being more oblivious to it which is itself maybe an amber flag - that he's not noticing how you're doing. Not caring about you vs his intended activity once you've pointed it out is pretty rubbish. People are more important than activities. You had an initial plan that needed to be re-worked given you weren't expecting to find the walking so hard.

I'm fatter than you and would have struggled with the walking you describe in a hot, hilly city.

Stuff that may help:

• Pacing / saving energy at the beginning of the day. I look for lifts / escalators and avoid stairs until I'm on the way home.
• I set my own pace, I'm done with trying to keep up with others. If you two can't find a pace where you can walk together you probably need to rethink spending lots of time walking.
• Walking with breaks and walking slowly around eg museum exhibits is easier for me than walking long distances to go places.
• Having planned destinations for meals: I get really cross at ambling around / walking back on myself trying to find a cafe.
• Some people find standing still harder than walking - worth seeing if that's you so you can plan around it.
• Planning the journey 'out' by public transport and walking 'home'
• Avoiding hilly places in favour of flatter ones.
• Walking poles - Flexyfoot ones or Nordic ones designed for urban environments may help by making walking a four limb activity rather than one just using your legs.
• Compression socks / leggings may help
• Heatwave adjustments - going out really early and in the evening, correct clothes etc.
• Rest days between more walky days

Your partner could have easily compromised by taking a taxi or tram with you to some of the venues and/or walking there himself while you take a taxi or tram and meet him at the venue. He could agree to a bus tour or (in Paris for example) a hop-on hop-off boat tour. Lots of options.

As for your weight, OP, you know this is a wake-up call. For your own health and mobility and happiness, do please get on a sensible programme to lose weight and get fit at a steady pace. The NHS offers some help and coaching.

Best of luck! It’s worth getting fit and a healthy weight now, as it’s much harder to do after menopause.

Yeah I've always loved and prefer a pool/beach holiday, which we went on last year, but even with that we went on walks to the port and the village nearby, which I wouldnt do on my own, so I feel like I compromised.

It's just annoying because i feel like he made no effort to compromise with me on this one, like I did for him.

Well that would be rather passive aggressive abuse and bullying, wouldn't it.

You don't need to accept being bullied because you are overweight. A lot of people seem to think that somehow justifies a lower standard of treatment because "think of the NHS."🙄

Yes we moved in together earlier this year

I disagree, OP had to mention her weight, or some other medical condition, because otherwise a 28 year old not being able to manage that step count to the point of going to a cafe to rest would have been completely baffling.

OP, does your boyfriend like to post daily route, step count etc on Strava or similar? I know some people (men) can get quite competitive with it.
Really though you are unfit. This is not just weight. You are young and you should have been able to do those distances. I think everybody is supposed to aim for 10k steps a day. Still your boyfriend should have shown a little more compassion.

It's not right that he got moody and pissed off. Is he that set in his plans? That might be a problem in the long term.
Would he have acted the same if you had fallen ill one of the days or had a painful blister and couldn't walk far?
Someone else would have just thought, "no problem, we'll do (such and such,) today" and you would have continued a lovely holiday. I think he was being unreasonable and if part of that was intentionally trying to shame you at all then f him, he's not the one.

Oh come off it. It was hot. It was hilly. Have you actually been to Lisbon?

Based on your step count - it looks like you are out of shape. So perhaps do something to get back into shape? He should have been more understanding, especially with your back aching. Try to get 10000 steps in daily, but get there gradually. Good luck 🤞🏻

I disagree, OP had to mention her weight, or some other medical condition, because otherwise a 28 year old not being able to manage that step count to the point of going to a cafe to rest would have been completely baffling.

Not when Lisbon in June was mentioned!

Yeah he does use Strava when he's running

I know i'm unfit - with the weight and not having an active job and being active generally

I think everybody is supposed to aim for 10k steps a day.

Exactly. Aim for. Not in the heat, up hills and on holiday.

And have you seen stats of how few people achieve 10,000 a day?

People trying to shame the OP round this while sitting on their butt on MN are pretty unkind.

Yeah he is stubborn like that. I got the sense at times on the first couple of days he was a bit frustrated that I couldn't keep up, and then when that happened with the taxi it just confirmed it.

I don't mean to make him sound awful, generally he's been loving and caring in our relationship, but something changed with this

I know the type ...

Yes I have, a few times, including with little children that walked further than OP.

This step count is for the entire day! With breaks in between. So a couple of thousand here, a couple of thousand there. It’s not even 10,000 in one go.

Yeah it's been ok since the holiday. He has been back to normal, its my mind its been playing on.

We got back on Wednesday