AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Apologies if this has been said by other PPs, but I would start with getting some very good walking shoes - rather than comfy trainers. Properly supportive footwear can make a world of difference.

Also try Coach to Fitness to help you start your new regime. It’s free, can be viewed on a laptop or smart tv. It’s basically a structured exercise routine aimed at people do little or no exercise. It’s a 10 week programme of 30 minutes exercise (plus warm up and warm down). 3 sessions per week, 1 cardio, 1 strength and 1 general). I used it during lockdown and I was quite amazed how much of a difference it made. With a diet and walking/cycling on days where I didn’t do the sessions, I lost 3 stone and got my BMI into the healthy range over 9 months (I repeated the programme a couple of times)

I am mid 40s with severe rheumatoid arthritis, and severe bronchiectasis and it’s the pits, don’t feel bad a don’t compare yourself to others, I wouldn’t be able to easily manage 15k either and certainly not multiple days in a row.

Heat is a big trigger for both the inflammation but also my lung issues. If I forced myself to do that many steps in day I’d be coughing up blood and in severe pain, hardly a nice holiday. Many people with RA wouldn’t manage this, there’s so much variety and I just wanted to say that I hope reading this thread hasn’t made you feel bad (it kind of has me, because I know I slow everyone with me down and I’m going to stop reading the thread now as I have a weekend away this weekend and I’ll end up convincing myself I shouldn’t go)

Step count is totally irrelevant when going up stairs! 12k steps in London are not equal to 12k steps in Lisbon. One is much easier than the other.

@georgiexox I can relate to this. I find lots of walking in the heat really takes it out of me and Lisbon is a really hilly city in places. I’ve had situations like this where it ended up being far tougher on my body than I expected. Also it’s just not my idea of relaxation or how to ‘do’ a holiday. My DH loves a city break with lots of walking around so we’ve had to find ways to compromise and work with it. We’ve found taking it in turns to choose the activities/what we’re doing that day or splitting the day so maybe we have a long late lunch in a square and people watch for the afternoon after sightseeing in the morning before it’s too hot really helps.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I think your DP was unkind not to try to work together to come up with a solution when it became clear you were struggling.

Yes you and he may be well aware you’re overweight and need to work on improving your fitness, but that is not something that can be solved in that moment so his refusal to compromise is really poor.

Saying that, at a BMI of 48 I think you’d be eligible for weight loss injections on the NHS? They are genuinely life changing.

Thank you. If we went on a similar holiday, that's definitely more what i'd push for. I get that he likes exploring and seeing loads but there has to be a balance to suit both of us

We do a lot of these types of holidays (we are on one now!) and can average about 25 - 30k steps a day. We are late 40s/early 50s and find rhem pretty east but you do have to plan - what is really key is - wear comfortable shoes, take lots of stops for a drink or look at something, walk with destinations in mind, take lots of water and schedule in snack/lunch breaks and always have a scheduled break (generally early afternoon ) to go back to the hotel for a couple of houes to doze and rest.

Oh and eat a good breakfast!

No one's mentioned the disparity of the walking pace of a 6'1" bloke and a 5'2" woman. Was he striding off with his long legs and you had to keep up? I think you're being a bit hard on yourself and you recognise there's work to be done but he should have matched your pace so you could continue for longer. FYI 10,000 steps is around 4 miles. So you did pretty well on hills and in the heat.

Lisbon is quite hard going, especially in the heat if you're walking about all day. Very hilly and lots of cobbles. I find the stop start nature of sight seeing harder on the feet and the joints.

I am overweight and a fair bit older than you and I get a lot of foot and hip issues. I've been advised that it is my core that is my main issue, I do a desk job. I always feel like the weight makes the heat harder but core strength and fitness is the kicker with the steps. Supportive rather than just comfy trainers (or walking sandals) is also a help.

As I've got older and find it harder I do need to plan a longer trip and have some easier days planned in. It is what it is really. I merrily do 15-20k steps for 4 out of 6 days and spend the next 2 weeks cursing myself but I want to see the things.

@georgiexox Also, I get it with the thigh chafing! Silicone lube is the best thing I’ve found to help with it!

Until about two years ago I was very unfit, never watched what I ate and got out of breath walking up stairs. I used to feel so embarrassed but the thought of doing anything about it felt overwhelming and I didn’t know where to start. I was also for the most part fine with how I looked. I still am fine with it tbf. Two years ago I actually started working out and changed what I eat BUT I did it when I decided because I was ready to and I realised I wanted to future proof my body so I minimised my risk of health and mobility issues as I age. I don’t really discuss it or see it as a compliment if people mention my weight. No amount of people telling you it’s a wake up call will help. If you’re anything like me, I would double down and think ‘F you. Why are you so bothered about my health and appearance. Mind your own business!’ Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is your body, your choice! Just sounds like one of those things you’ll learn to navigate with DP if this was your first longer break together. Jealous of the pastel de nata eating!

Was it in the heat OP? Did your legs swell? This happens to women of ALL sizes. There are lots of reasons that this might have been a harder challenge than for your DH. I can’t believe he didn’t offer you kindness especially if you’d walked as he wanted for several days. Where’s the balance of wishes?

Sometimes a taxi allows you to see extra things buildings etc.. and things you miss when you are watching your feet on cobbles etc.. Sometimes it’s just a nice luxury.

What happens if he ever gets sick, can’t keep up ..does he agree he should just be left behind?

For heaven's sake, I'm in my sixties and a size 14 and could do that easily. We regularly do 15k steps and above every day on a city break.

You are extremely unfit. This is a big wake up call that you need to do something about it for the sake of your health.

In that case YA definitely NBU. That's a perfectly reasonable amount of walking per day, and it's equally acceptable to want to break that up by using a taxi or other form of transport.

I agree, I thought this earlier but didn't have time to post.

My DP and PIL both have this kind of height disparity as couples and it does need to be planned for. Pretty mean to stride off and leave your much shorter, chubbier partner scurrying in your wake.

Also it's supposed to be a HOLIDAY! Sounds like DofE.

Jeez, I don't think the OP needs a pile on telling her she is unfit, she's said it about twenty times!!

OP one thing I would add is that when you pick up doing some exercise, you'll find your fitness and stamina starts to increase really quickly - you'll feel a difference within weeks :) particularly being in your twenties

I’m sorry that people are piling on here OP. Yes it’s fine for him to be a bit disappointed but presumably given what you’ve said about your weight it can’t have been a total surprise to him. He doesn’t sound very nice tbh.

Blimey, this is a tough read - OP has been piled on for her weight, her fitness, her choice of shoes, and eating a bloody pastry on holiday. And of course the competitive Cathys who love to insist that they do 70k steps a day, all uphill in 50 degrees while 10 months pregnant with one leg tied behind their bloody back 🙄

Also interested to read people’s comments about it ‘not being someone’s responsibility’ to manage their partners feelings. Isn’t that the point of a loving partnership? That you care about and consider your partner’s needs and are willing to support them? Would a taxi ride or two really not be worth compromising on to ensure you can both continue to enjoy the holiday together?

Yes my ankles and feet were quite swollen. I am pear shaped anyway though so carry a lot of weight in my legs (thunder thighs lol)

These are really not very high or excessive step counts, for you to have been in such discomfort. I would really start to prioritise your weight and general level of fitness or you’ll really struggle in later life.

Yes, we moved in together about 4 months ago

OMG YOU GENIUS

4 hours and noone said that!

OP you’ve been very gracious in the face of some really quite arsey comments.

you know you’re overweight FFS!! And as if you shouldn’t be eating a (delicious) pastel de nata on holiday in Lisbon!!!

Had either of you been to Lisbon before? I suspect the heat and hills made a huge difference. You’d have been fine in Amsterdam 😊

For heaven’s sake! Do u want a medal? How is this helping the OP who has said (many times) that she’s aware she’s unfit. Ramming your amazing achievements down her throat is nasty. I don’t understand why you did this. She knows she’s overweight and unfit. She asked if her partner was unfair. You didn’t answer this