AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Honestly, not really. I don't really do any exercise other than walking, but just walking day to day life, rather than going for a walk regularly.

We went to Lisbon last year and it is VERY hilly. However, we managed about 20/25 thousand steps ish a day. Me and my husband are in our 40s. My kids are 16 and and 12. I think your partner should have been more understanding but perhaps he's reached a point with your weight that now feels too frustrating. You sound very passive about it all...preparing properly would have been getting out for walks or on a treadmill, not buying trainers and shorts. Having a wake up call means looking at yourself and your future, not sitting eating pastel de nata(s?) and then writing about it on mumsnet. I am hoping you really did have a reality check and have now started looking at both diet and exercise (and potentially a more suitable partner as you don't sound entirely compatible)

Yeah he can be quite stubborn/single minded about stuff, and if things don't go to 'plan' then he can get annoyed

I don’t think you should be upset with him. I’d be pretty frustrated if DH couldn’t face a 35 min walk on a city break and suggested getting a cab.

Your weight and lack of fitness is restricting your life so much. You’re only 28, you hopefully have a long life ahead of you, what do you want to get out of it?

I think deep down you’re upset with yourself more than him. But you can do something about this. You can completely change your weight and fitness. It has never been easier and you have youth on your side!

I get all that believe me, but people were asking questions about footwear and things and I had thought about that and being comfy, like i said above I'm a pear-shaped girly so walking can be tough on my thighs so I was trying to work through that as best I can.

The pastel de natas was a bit of a joke, but what was I meant to do, just sit there in the cafe being miserable?

Its not an either or siituation. Yes I know I need to lose weight, but I can still be upset with him for not empathising with me and compromising

You realise everyone can see your previous comments before you edited? The one you eventually published is just as nasty mind!

That's not really a lot of walking each day OP. I found myself unexpectedly in a foreign city for a day in between jobs last week. One of my favourites so I made the most of it. I walked 36,000 steps and cycled a total of 21km on a hire bike in and out of the centre.

If you're weight is making you that worn out after 12 & 16k step days addressing it will make you feel loads better in the long term.

OP I've just worked out if your BMI is 48 and you're 5'2" you weigh 18 stone 10 pounds?

I'm surprised neither you or your boyfriend thought walking would be a problem? Isn't it a problem in every day life?

With the amount of steps you’ve posted, it sounds as though there were already some compromises made as it’s not a lot of steps at all for walking to a museum and then walking around it and walking back?

You did an average of 12,500 steps a day over the 4 days which is only 2 hours of walking a day. Not much for a city break. And certainly not more than would be expected before you even went on the trip. So why is it justified to be upset with him?

Yes i'm 18st 10lb

It depends what you mean by every day life. As i've said before, I don't have an active job and i'm pretty sedentary so it doesn't affect things much in that sense. But obviously things like clothes can be an issue (being short as well, and pear shaped) and some other things.

Because relationships are give and take, and yes it might not seem like much walking, but when I was struggling it would have been nice to have some empathy and support.

I could have written part of your post OP. Maybe this could be a turning moment in life to make the changes you need to do to thrive physically?

Sorry OP, but this on you, yes. Not because of your weight, but because if you know your stamina and fitness isn't where it should be, then you have to take this into account when you make plans. You can't expect someone else to know what's going to be too much for you.
City breaks with a lot of sight seeing can be gruelling especially in a hot city with hills. You should have stated your limits beforehand so the itinerary could be less pacey and you both knew what to expect.

I totally get why you’re upset- he’s not been considerate of you and you offered options/compromises and seem generally positive and optimistic as a person, so a good person to travel/holiday with. I’d have been all over the pastel de natas too under the circumstances- you’re on holiday!

If you want to do something a bit different going forwards to lose weight and improve your fitness I’m sure you’d be more than capable of putting your mind and body to it but you deserve kindness and consideration from your partner too.

Thank you! Despite it being exhausting I still enjoyed the trip and seeing lots of stuff, and it made me happy seeing him get to explore loads too.

And yes those pastel de natas are so good aren't they! I think they help anything lol

I used to be super super fit (competitive endurance athlete) . A few years we had a holiday in New York and walked more than 10 miles a a day every day for several day in a row. I was exhausted. Your DH is being very unkind.

And when you found you weren't ok with it, you expected your BF to use taxis when the whole point was a walking holiday?

You're all upset that he didn't take taxis, but for him the point was walking. You could have caught a cab yourself and met him there rather than expecting him to curtail the walking. You wanted him to accommodate you and miss out on the walking and you're upset he didn't.

The whole point was us going on holiday together as a couple for a few days and enjoying time together. We did loads of walking, I don't think it was too much to ask to just get a taxi this time to where we were going.

I don’t want to be unkind, but maybe he doesn’t want to offer you empathy and support? Maybe he’s really disappointed that he couldn’t have the trip he wanted with you due to factors that are 100% in your control? Maybe he wants you to improve your health so that you can live a better life and getting taxis isn’t going to help that?

Getting fit is going to require you to be exhausted. It’s going to make your muscles ache. It means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. It does for all of us.

Why not start going for a walk with him for half an hour every evening after dinner? Summer is the perfect time to get out there and build it into a habit.

standard pastel de nata contains between 150 and 200 calories. Less than a magnum ice cream.
But yeh take this as incentive to go to gp talk weight loss and maybe get on a local programne for fitness

To be honest that just makes it sound like he's punishing me for him being disappointed, and that that is ok?

That's the takeaway then OP. You wanted to do it, you couldn't because of your fitness. So fitten up for next time.
I'm nearly 30 years older than you, and on my city breaks I do between 25k and 35k steps a day. And it's fine, because I walk 15 to 20k every day.
I don't go to the gym or run or anything hard work, I just walk and walk. Up and down my garden if need be and my stamina is amazing as a result.
You're 28 years old, you have completely got this. Start small and build up and in 6months you'll be a different woman.
And remember, it's fitness, not weight. Though you will lose weight too when you get up to 15k steps.

But he did get the holiday he wanted. OP walked everywhere for the first few days before asking for a bit of a compromise for the last few days. They could have easily shared the odd taxi in between walking. OP made the mistake of announcing her weight. If she had simply said that after several days of walking, the constant hills in Lisbon got the better of her and her DH ploughed on regardless, I think the replies would have been a lot more empathetic.

Exactly this. People are repeatedly missing the fact that it was unusually hot for June in Portugal, which OP couldn't have planned for, and that her DP wanted a walking holiday on his terms, without any consideration of her discomfort