AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I agree he could have been kinder, but I think he was probably taken aback.

I'm 64 and morbidly obese. I also have asthma. I can do 12K steps without difficulty. Things that hold me up: if I get dehydrated, my feet start to hurt and it's as though someone had put the brakes on; if it's very hot and sunny, ditto; if I don't pace myself and set off too fast or if I'm with someone who's faster than me and trying to keep up, I just burn out. I suspect in Lisbon all these three factors affected you. You say you don't walk about much, that will be a big factor.

I have a (male) friend who is tall, very fit, long-legged and loves walking. It's really frustrating for him to go on walks with most people, as he typically would walk at double the pace. However, he's aware of this, and plans accordingly - going on adventure hikes on his own or with like-minded friends, and going slow when he's with his (not so fit) wife, or, frankly, any normal person. It sounds like your partner has a lack of insight and awareness. However, with kindness OP, it sounds like this might be a wake-up call to work on your fitness (for your own sake, not his!).

Although that being said I’m a size 8 and my back felt crippled after a 26,000 step day in Japan. It just wasn’t used to that level of use. So it could also be that he’s a dick.

We could argue about whether or not your boyfriend was unreasonable till the cows come home, but it would be more productive for you to reflect on how you can deal with your weight and fitness issues.

You say that the weight crept up on you, but to get to a BMI of 48 in a dozen years or so suggests that there is way more to this. If I can make a couple of suggestions…

Get counselling to try and get to the bottom of what is actually going on, why are you self-sabotaging your health, what happened in your life/childhood that led to this, in which direction do you want your life to go, what is stopping you from living your best life, etc.

See your GP about starting weight loss injections.

Revamp your diet. I’m sure you know what to do - drastically reduce junk food/UPF, sugar, alcohol, refined carbs. Instead adopt Mediterranean way of eating- I.e. whole foods, mostly protein and vegetables, plus some dairy and healthy fats.

Start walking and exercising. Try walking with a weighted vest. Check out Lucy Wyndham Read on YouTube for easy exercise for beginners. See a personal trainer to learn about weight training with dumbbells.

I know it’s a lot, but if you start doing one thing, you’ll work up the determination to tackle the rest.

Because I thought i'd be ok with it!

I didn't do it thinking 'oh yeah, i won't be able to do any of this stuff, but never mind'. It just got too much for me.

You seem convinced that 30 is borderline elderly but there is no difference in the metabolism of a 22yo and a 30yo. Op has said herself she put most of it on during covid, in her early 20s.

Nobody needs to do anything different when they hit 30. You've either got a healthy lifestyle (whatever your age) or you haven't. I grant you that menopause changes things but for most women that's not till late 40s at least.

It doesn't sound like he said or did anything wrong. I wonder if you're looking for a way to feel annoyed with him because you don't want to admit to yourself that you feel embarrassed and upset that your weight spoiled your holiday.

You’re not obese at 10.5st and 5’3…. That’s 66kg at 161cm. BMI CALC = 66/(1.61 squared) = 25.4. You’re only slightly into the overweight category.

For anyone who doesn’t know BMI is:

Weight in kg/(height in M squared).

Ahhh… that is a very steep city. I am VERY fit and walk 10k steps a day anyway but my feet were in absolute bits after a weekend in Lisbon doing 15k steps per day

It's funny as I can easily do 10-12 thousand steps a day and not feel bothered by it in the slightest, I do 6000 steps on the morning dog walk which takes around an hour, and the school run there and back, twice, is around 6000 steps, it's around 2 hours a day of walking total.

But I went to Chester zoo this weekend and walked 12'000 steps over the whole day (6-7 hours), and I was really tired after, I was hot and my feet were killing and my back was starting to ache. I think when you are doing anything like that you spend a lot of time, wandering around, looking at things, but it basically means as well as walking the distance, you are on your feet most of the day, the step count may technically be the same, but the effect of being 'on the go' all day can be a different kind of tiring, add in the heat and hills/steps and it's a different kind of tiring again.

Step count doesn't mean much to be honest.

The average height for a woman in the UK is about 5'4".
The normal BMI range for a 5'4" woman is roughly 49–66 kg/108 to 146 pounds (about 7 st 10 to 10 st 6lbs)

A UK size 16 typically corresponds to a bust of 40 inches, a waist of 32 inches, and hips of 42 inches, which is probably pretty large for most 5'4" women.

Morbidly obese refers to having a body mass index (BMI) of 40 or higher.

A 5'4" woman with a BMI over 40 would be about 16 st 10 lbs.

The 'size 16 is morbidly obese ' doesn't hold IMO. The BMI does.

Yeah it was beautiful, but every time we came to another hill or set of steps, it was like "oh god!" lol

For the future could you compromise walk there and take a taxi back?
Don’t let these comments get you down I wonder how many of them could really walk 5-6 miles in 30 degree heat for several days in a row without breaking a sweat. Probably like you before the trip they are overestimated what they are capable off.

I agree, walking up steep hills when the temperature is 27 to 31 would tire a lot of people. Its unfair to say normal people would easily walk 12km steps a day when that might be in colder temperatures and much flatter terrain. Being out in the hot sun is much more tiring.

Also depends on the surface you’re walking on. Concrete and cobbles will hurt far more than grass and earth.

I think it’s probably just a wake up call for you both. You didn’t realise how unfit you were and he didn’t. It doesn’t sound like he was awful with you just he was on a city break and wanted to enjoy it as planned.
I’d make an appointment to speak to your Gp. BMI 48 will usually need medical assistance to lose weight.

I am mid 50’s and went to Lisbon with my 20 year old daughter last August. We averaged 25-30,000 steps a day. I’m about a size 14, so overweight but not morbidly obese. All of my close friends wouldn’t find this difficult so I’d be very concerned at your age if you are struggling with 16,000. I do that every day walking to and from work.

How long have you been together? Have you done any day trips/sight seeing before?

I can see why he'd be disappointed but he could have been kinder about it - you can only manage what you can manage.This is obviously a holiday that would be better taken with friends who enjoy walking and are more active, but hindsight's a wonderful thing.

YANBU for asking him to compromise when you discovered it was too much for you.

He is NBU for being disappointed that the plan wasn’t possible. He is unreasonable for not compromising.

last year my BMI was 47, morbidly obese, and I really struggled with walking. My knees and hips ached from my weight and I was really unfit, hot and breathless. We went to Lisbon and I really, really struggled with the hills and the heat….. DH was very understanding as he could see that I was trying but struggling. We had to slow down to my level to enjoy the time together.

Over the course of the year I’ve lost 7 st and while I’m still overweight and unfit, it’s gradually improving and on this years holiday I was able to walk nonstop for 5 days. It was great to be able to do it and I know DH was happy we could do more.

On the face of it the step counts are not excessive at all for a day of sightseeing BUT given your high BMI and (I assume) lack of walking conditioning prior to going I think you did as much as you could reasonably expect to do. I think he was not unreasonable to want to do the walking but it must have become apparent pretty quickly that you were at your limits and going on holiday is not the time to start a fitness regime. In that respect he was unreasonable not to accommodate your desire for transport at least some of the time. Good luck with addressing the weight and fitness going forward.

Hills in such heat when you aren't very fit would be very hard.

He doesn't great.
Not very kind, guilting you and getting in a mood.

OP, be very careful of his lack of kindness, a red flag for me.

I think your boyfriend should have been more understanding and compromised with a couple of taxis or a less-walking day. It's not like you could help it or planned it.

Bloody hell, he's a foot taller, it's hilly and it's 30 degrees, and you are unfit! That would be tiring for anyone.

Barring the weight, it sounds like you are physically deconditioned. In your day to day life, do you do anything that raises your heart rate even a little?
I think the danger zone for lack of fitness is when there is no incidental activity. E.g. if someone has developed a slow walking pace and never exerts even a little, that's when you're going to find you have problems even walking up a flight of stairs.

Good luck with your health going forwards

That’s not many steps at all! I do not do fitness (eg gym or anything like that) and are older than you and would not struggle with that! Being under 30 and finding that a struggle is worrying and you really need to improve your fitness

You do miss a lot of Lisbon if you take taxis everywhere, and a 35-minute walk really isn't that much, so I can understand where he's coming from.

On the other hand, once you'd made it clear that you weren't able to do the walk, he should have been willing to compromise and agree to meet you there while you took a taxi. It doesn't reflect particularly well on him that he couldn't be a bit more flexible in that situation.

You don't sound very fit. Are all your steps down hill if only adding 5k got you in bits?
Just in case you ask, my daily average this year is 18k, per day, but 4x per week 10k of that is running.