AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

You seem very passive op. He planned and booked the holiday and you just assumed you would be fine despite having struggled with a 1 day city break before. You don't seem to have done any prep to get yourself fitter previous to going.

You're passive about your weight gain. A bmi of 48 doesn't sound like weight that just crept on.
If you wanted to get the taxi then do it. But once again you passively sat in a cafe. Maybe this is your rock bottom and you can get a handle of yourself while you are still young but this is all choices you made

What did he say when you said you were going to stay behind? Regardless of whether you should or shouldn’t be able to walk the distance, it was really poor of him to just leave you.

Given your very high BMI, and the temperature, it was never going to be manageable for you to meet his expectations. I would say you did really well in a difficult situation.

Have you considered weight loss injections? Or other methods to improve your health?

That's true for any age. Nothing to do with being 30+

Oh OP. This really isn’t much, it is on average how many steps you should be doing every day on a normal day.
I think maybe your partner didn’t understand the extend of it - what you are describing isn’t a walking holiday for people who have a high fitness level, it’s basic every day movement, really.
Yes perhaps he should have been more understanding but I can also see why he’d be disapponted that you wanted to take a taxi after barely walking 12K steps in a day.

Hope you manage to sorr out your weight and fitness soon, not for him, not for the looks, but for your own health.

Good luck!

I thought i'd have felt silly getting the taxi up there then standing around waiting for him, so I thought the cafe was the better option.

The weight has been going on since high school, but more so since COVID

Your weight isn’t really the point. Yes, it’s very high, but you’ve been very overweight since you met your partner, and he presumably doesn’t find your weight off-putting.

The issue is incompatibility. You are not holiday compatible, because you want to and and are able to do different things, but you both also want to spend all the holiday time together. You can’t square that circle unless you because significantly fitter, and that will be a long-term endeavour at your size.

The question is are you life compatible even if you are clearly not holiday compatible? That comes down to whether you are both getting what you need from each other, and whether you’ll be happy taking separate holidays so you can both enjoy the sort of trip you prefer and can manage.

He just tried to talk me into it saying it wasn't that far, and when I suggested a taxi he said we'd miss loads. We were by a cafe so in the end I just said i'd go in there and meet him afterwards

You really need to take a look at your health as that is not that much, I do 12k on an average day and that's just the school run and going to work and back. I honestly thought it was going to be double that

I'm 5ft 3 and weigh 10.5 still.. I wear a size 12, the nhs app says I'm obese

I've already said loads of times I know i'm unfit

Honey, this is the time to be alive as an overweight person, science has changed the game. Invest in yourself and get that weight gone once and for all

covid was over 6 years ago. I was the same, perimenopause, Covid and age and I lost control of it.

you can absolutely do this. It’s time.

I disagree... she was in a hilly place in hot temperatures. It isn't a gentle stroll.

I understand. I’m heavier than ideal but am working very hard on it. I’m also not especially fit as I have a sedentary job. I’m also short so need to take more steps as well as menopausal so hot at the best of times.
I’d be taking taxis for the longer parts for sure rather than hurting and feeling tired and uncomfortable and if your partner can’t compromise on this small thing to help you when you’re struggling, what else would he not compromise on in the future eg if you married and had kids? Doesn’t bode well.
That aside, continue to work on yourself for you and you alone. It’s a long process but you’ll get there and, who knows, you’ll maybe be marching up the hills leaving him in the dust next time!

Have you had your iron levels tested?

my husband struggled on a holiday once and I (and he) assumed it was because he was overweight. A month later he had his bloods checked for something unrelated but they checked everything and it turned out he had chronic anaemia. He’s on medication and he’s been fine since

Not true. Growing children need far more calories and can therefore withstand unhealthy, fat- and calorie-dense food better in terms of not piling on pounds. By 30, the vast majority of people have stopped developing into adulthood and need a combination of an active lifestyle and healthy diet to stay slim. There’s no growth spurt around the corner to help them out if they live on McDonalds and play video games on the sofa all day.

OP later posted that her BMI is 48 so I don’t think this is an iron issue but rather a consequence of her being morbidly obese

I think it's a bit mean with various people labouring the point about your weight / fitness. Please be kind to yourself and start taking baby steps (pun intended). Rome wasn't built in a day! I am 52 and was very slim when I was young (I was one of those really annoying people who did no exercise and ate crap and was still thin) but it all caught up with me and now I am having to adjust my diet and exercise to lose weight - it's a lot harder as you get older. I am taking Wegovy and it's not been rapid weight loss but I have lost a stone in 2 months and I am walking more and eating more mindfully. Put yourself first and don't worry about what anyone else says x

She did, she says so.

Thanks. I prepared as much for the trip as I could...comfy walking trainers, good cycling shorts, chub rub stick (pear-shaped girly!) etc but after two days it had just got too much

Was that step count yours or your partner's? My DH is taller than me with longer legs. I'm your height and also overweight. He is not. On a recent trip his step count was 25k to my 32k and roughly the same distance and difference the next day! We were both knackered. It was something we both enjoyed though (think theme park) and I didn't notice the steps until my feet and legs were screaming at me. I think I would have faired very poorly on a city trip. By all means, go and see the sights but just walking for the sake of walking would have killed any motivation for me. For me, there is a big difference between the natural progression of "look at this beautiful promenade. Let's walk along it" and the forced "This church was great. The museum is a mile that way. Let's go". I'd choose the cafe as well.

I suppose what people are trying to say is that from your boyfriend’s perspective these were just normal days of walking, not different from what you’d do at home so it’s not like he was proposing something crazy

Yes I think that while your weight is clearly an issue you’re not denying that and as your partner he should have been more willing to be inclusive. Doesn’t matter if you’re unreasonable to be limited… because you are and he’s meant to want to be with you.

My step count

Yeah in the end I enjoyed a nice couple of hours in the cafe reading my book (and the pastel de natas helped lol)

Then why did you go along planning a walking hilly city holiday with a fit partner in summer in southern Europe? And expect him to be taking taxis when walking was the point? It seems like you've been in some denial about how your weight is affecting your fitness level and so has your partner.

You just got your wakeup call about your health and I hope you listen.