To not go on a family holiday I wouldn't enjoy

[Bennybannsider2]

The holiday we planned to book has to be withdrawn due to the war in Iran, and it just didn't work out reinstating it now flights are back running normally. We (family of 2ad 3 teens) still want to go on holiday. We enjoy most types of hols but in recent years as we get to know our preferences some of us favour busy resorts like Benidorm (strip) and genuinely enjoy a holiday buying fake t-shirts, eating chicken & chips, going to busy bars. And some of us (me) have tried that, tried it again and don't want to do it a third time as a main holiday - I still enjoy it as a few days off season.

It ended up getting close to our annual leave dates and my husband booked a trip to this type of resort. I knew he was doing the booking and it suited me to not have to expend energy doing it. We had talked about what we wanted and one thing I definitely wanted was to go on holiday for longer than a week, which he has booked. But it's a resort I don't like, hotel looks old fashioned, pool tiny, the board basis I don't think will work for our family.....We had discussed some of these things but he didn't know that the board basis for example was a deal breaker.

I said I'm not going there. It's too late to change any parts as it was all booked so short notice.

Husband is totally capable of looking after his own kids for the holiday.

AIBU to not go on this holiday?

I think I'd be a bit upset in your shoes- if you normally spend a lot of time thinking about what other people want to do/eat/have on holiday, it can feel rather pointed when other people don't do the same for you.

However- if you don't go on this holiday, you're modelling to your children that if things don't suit you 100%, it's perfectly fine to have a hissy fit and refuse to do whatever it is that doesn't suit. You're also telling them that things have to be absolutely done your way before you'll spend time with them.

I also think that you're being very close-minded about what the place has to offer. The pool might be small and the sofa bed uncomfortable- but the pool might only have a very few people using it, instead of being overcrowded, and sofa beds do vary in terms of comfort.

You can, of course, refuse to go. Or you can go and spoil everyone's holiday by pouting and sulking. Or, you can go determined to make the best of it. It might be a flop you can all laugh about later. Or it might turn out to be a fabulous holiday.

Your choice. I know which one I'd do though.

They'll always remember you couldn't be bothered to go on holiday with them. And soon they won't want to go on holiday with you anyway.

@Flampert

ewww no, a mother doesn’t need to martyr herself with camping in the pissing rain to prove to her family that she wants to spend time with them.

@Flampert

ewww no, a mother doesn’t need to martyr herself with camping in the pissing rain to prove to her family that she wants to spend time with them.

It's pretty much a given of parenting that you spend lots of time doing things you don't particularly want to do, because your children do want to do them.

And OP isn't camping in the rain anyway, she's staying in a hotel in the Algarve.

@redskyAtNigh

there are some essential things you have to do but camping isn’t one of them. No child needs to go camping.

OP’s husband is at fault here, not OP as he booked the shitty place. If OP can get it right and book holidays that suit ALL the family why can he?!

Goodness you sound hard work!

First of all holidays can be stressful for autisitc kids. I have one with ARFID and one who eats brilliantly at home but struggles when on holiday as everything tastes different. We take some snacks and cereal from home if needed and just do whatever is required to make food as stress free as possible. I prefer self catering but if that doesn't suit I buy lots of fresh fruit, make wraps/sandwiches etc to keep costs down and get some good food into the kids. We also walk loads which is great for managing stress. If all they are able to eat is chicken and chips for dinners that's not going to cause harm. You stressing about everything constantly will likely lead to far worse food decisions as stress affects eating.

I don't see the issue with a sofa bed unless the kids are so tall they are falling off the end.

Getting out and about by walking, local buses etc is surely part of the fun of bejng on holiday. A resort holiday would be my idea of hell. But it sounds like you usually enjoy it, but have very black and white views. Have you ever been tested for ND? It id highly genetic.

Did he not check with you before he booked the hotel? When I book holidays I always send everyone a link to the hotel I've chosen and get their opinions on it before I book it.

I appreciate that you’re disappointed in your husband’s choice of accommodation but I also think that you’re being quite stubborn and putting barriers up to every suggestion on here.
Presumably, if this accommodation is old, only has a small pool, has a sofa bed and isn’t AI then it’s also cheaper than a more modern hotel with everything that you would have preferred, so there must be spare cash for day trips etc?
I do most of the holiday planning here and it takes me hours to find something that’s suitable for everyone but I wouldn’t dream of booking it without running it past my DH first. That was your rookie error.

Sorry op but I do think you're being very inflexible. It's maybe a bit of a knee jerk reaction from your initial disappointment but I think it's a bit ridiculous to stay home and refuse to go based on what you've said. At times we all suck things up and get on with it for the sake of our kids. I don't normally like a beach holiday but as a lone parent with a small child it's the easiest type of holiday for us at the minute so I suck it up because I know he'll enjoy it and I try to focus on making it the best it can be without putting lots of expectations on it.

I think when you're used to being the person who organises everything and it sounds like you have a tight run ship which is no bad thing, it can be really hard to compromise and let it go when someone does things differently and not to your standard.

If there are supermarkets nearby would your son eat fruit? You could make sure there's lots of healthy things like that on offer. It doesn't need to be perfect which is what it sounds like you're striving for.

What it is is an opportunity to have some quality time with your kids and make some memories as they're getting older, to have some nice time in the sun, to read a book, and just potter about somewhere new.

Yes eating and meals might be an issue but why not compromise and do a few nights out into the town for a nicer restaurant? Or does your son have a social worker/dietician you could speak to in advance to discuss how best to support him around eating?

Why not get the kids to also do some research on things they'd like to do/ games to play etc and how they'll stay occupied?

So your question is would you be unreasonable to stay at home: no. As long as your husband is okay taking the kids.

We have a history of doing separate things in our family. Nobody feels abandoned or unloved (ranging now from 14 to 22). We come together and we move apart - all pretty flexible.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling disappointed, especially if this is your main holiday of the year and it's somewhere you already know you won't enjoy. That said, I'd probably struggle with not going at all if it had already been booked for the whole family. I'd be more inclined to have one last conversation with your husband about why it's a deal breaker and see if there's any way to make the week work for you, even if that means spending some time doing your own thing. If there's genuinely no compromise and you know you'll be miserable, I can understand why you're considering staying home, but I'd want to be sure I'd exhausted every other option first.

I understand the issue of no filter with eating as my ASD son is the same, but would it not spoil his enjoyment if Mum wasn’t there . Maybe do it for the family and let them go off while you have some ( small ) pool / reading time too xx

I think if you needed to communicate far more clearly to your DH if he was doing the booking what you wanted and what was a not to book for your holiday.

Go and make the best of things. A mistake has happened and you can decide not to go but that is something your children may well not understand.
It is your children’s holiday and your DH’s holiday as well as yours.

Make sure next time you both agree on what to book and what to avoid.

Sometimes things we are dreading turn how to be much more fun than we could ever have imagined.
Holidays with your children are for a finite amount of time. Soon thinking about where to go with your whole family will be thing of the past. Enjoy it whilst you can. Even if the pool is small!
Those of us able to afford holidays abroad or even holidays are privileged.

I understand that you're disappointed but you left DH to do the booking and none of these things are "deal breakers" they're all "go along and make the best of things". It's not your responsiblity to guarantee everyone has a good time - if they have a shit holiday then they'll know to get your input next time. Though it sounds as if they'll have quite a good holiday and only you wont enjoy it? If that's the case then put in a bit of "nice stuff" for yourself. Some meals out, a few days car hire and day trips, the kids have to sleep on the sofa bed and you get the bedroom, or whatever makes a few nicer bits for you.

I'm sorry about your son's food problem. Can you tolerate it for the fortnight? Decide that his diet is Not Your Problem for the duration? This is your husband's mistake, he knows about your DS's food issues. You don't have to carry the mental burden.

I also think you might be an overthinker (and caring for a DC with autism can make that worse!) and that as a parent you need to model to your family flexibility and not sweating over everything and the ability to let go of your worries. Then enjoy the peace and relaxation of going off by yourself later in the year!

Am I the only one that really, really wants to know which hotel this is.

If it’s remote AND rubbish it must be cheap hence you have money for a BIG hire car and loads of day trips. I’d opt for that.

Ok so it’s not a flop holiday but you probably will not mind how crap the pool is if every other day you’re off doing something no amazing.

Have you done the beach near Lisbon btw?

You're staying in the Algarve, but you've spoken about trips to Lisbon and Porto! You seem determined to make things as difficult as possible. You can hire a car to bring you to and from the beach. Or go east and west, there's plenty to see along the Algarve itself. You don't need to moan about day trips to the other end of the country!

You wanted AI. If you can afford that,you can afford ubers to get out if the resort. Stop putting obstacles in your own way.

Started off thinking your getting unreasonable, but this sounds like my holiday last October in the Algarve. It was s one of the worse holidays I’ve been on!! Nothing to do locally everyone was bored, eating out was way more expensive than anticipated and catered to the English Market- just not want I want on holiday. Kids ended up fighting through boredom and spent way more than budgeted. In hindsight I would rather not had gone and saved the budget for somewhere we would all enjoy. Feel for you.

It’s a bit annoying that you didn’t say this before he booked it so that he wouldn’t have paid the money for you, but it’s fine not to go on a holiday if you don’t want to.

Dh and I like quite different sorts of family holidays. I like city breaks abroad with museums and restaurants and going to local markets. Dh prefers camping outdoorsy holidays close to home. Neither of us hates the holidays the other prefers but it wouldn’t really be our first choice.

It’s fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I take dc to Europe on city breaks and we eat from local markets for 3 days and go to museums. Dh stays at home with the dog. Then we switch, Dh takes them camping and I stay home with the dog. Means we both get a little break (and poor ddog doesn’t have to go to boarding).

You sound a delight. Let them go on holiday and have fun, stay at home and be a grouch!

God OP, I sympathise with you, and I think I would also be struggling to slap a smile on my face about this one. How on earth did your DH manage to scroll past the presumably numerous options that would have been a better fit for his family (who's needs and preferences he knows?!), and then randomly say to himself "Yep, that's the one! The one with the sofa bed and the shitty pool!". I get that you both felt some pressure to get something booked, but not that much pressure? I mean know one was holding a gun to his head??

Clearly all you can do now is suck it up and model good behaviour to your kids, which does mean, unfortunately, that you have to go on this holiday with good grace and not stew over it's shortcomings. But inside I would be seething and never EVER let DH book anything ever again. And I would also be booking a trip to SE Asia for next year which sounds 1000x better.

sounds like my idea of hell and I wouldn't go either!

You refused to get involved, so you are stuck with it- book the next one yourself.