To have told my sister she was unprofessional and inappropriate? * [Content warning: concerns baby loss]

[Girlsonahill]

Without being completely outing, part of my sister's job involves going into lots of people's homes. We have a group whatsapp chat with our mum and although not the closest of sisters, generally talk most days get along fine. Today she posted a short video she filmed of a picture someone had up on their wall of their deceased baby and simply captioned "it's dead". This person was unaware she did this. I was horrified. gently told her I thought it was inappropriate and really unprofessional and I got a barrage of abuse back saying I was being judgemental and did I think I was the moral police. My mum said nothing presumably to keep the peace. She has form for being unable to accept any type of criticism but now I'm left feeling like I'm in the wrong and shouldn't have said anything. AIBU?

It’s certainly reportable. I am horrified.

Is your mum a similar age to me? 50s/60s? I’d like to tell her that she needs to speak very firmly to her daughter and do some sadly overdue parenting. If my DS26 behaved like this I would be horrified. He would be in no doubt that I was disgusted by his behaviour.

This is truly shocking. Tbh the other videos of people's homes passing judgement are shocking, but this really is beyond comprehension. You're the one who has been brave enough to call her out OP, well done.

As she's self employed, I'm guessing she's an estate agent? I could be wrong but that's the first thing that came into my head.

If she is, there is a regulatory body for estate agents, but it would be obvious who reported her.

I think what she did was really nasty. I get being curious about the picture, but to actually take a photo of it and send it on to your family saying something as cold and callous as "it's dead" is unthinkable.

Some people absolutely need judging. Your sister being one of them. Sounds like she didn’t get enough judging growing up or she might not have ended up such a horrible human being.

Bit disappointing your partner didn’t back you up. I can’t stand all that keep the peace malarkey. She’s not bothered about keeping the peace with her vile behaviour and her doubling down by attacking you.

Well done for saying what everyone else should have said.

None of this is harmless ,its a gross misconduct situation.
I've been in some awful houses and I would never even say to anyone what I saw .
Tbh I would be just coming out of this group chat because your condoning this nasty side of your sister by participating in recieving these videos.
If I was your sisters employer, I would be doing everything to get her sacked once this comes to light .

She actually sounds psychopathic. How could anybody reach a point in their life whereby they actually find it brings them happiness to sneer at a baby who has died and to mock the grieving parents for caring about and loving their baby? Much less to actually want to share her evil, macabre joy with others?

We've had a relatively recent baby death within the family and it's been life-changing for us.My daughter and her husband went to full term with a baby they knew could only live for around 24 hours.He was perfect in appearance with his Dad's hair coloring , Mum's long limbs but his condition was incompatible with life.
Some of the photos of him when he had passed away were particularly important to his parents because they had got to change him , wash and dress him.
Good on you for challenging your sister, I'd move on from it now as it seems inappropriate in every way.I do hope everyone has deleted the photos.

I agree with this. It needs to stop and you are the only one who can stop this. You either have a real face to face with both her and the family or you report her. Or both!

I have worked in the NHS and confidentiality and dignity are fundamental to the service. I don’t know about others but there are things I saw and experienced that I have never and will never speak about to anyone.

A deceased baby and the families grief have been exploited here. How dare she!

I mean sending videos of dirty houses etc is already bad enough but to send a picture/video of someone's dead baby is jaw dropping and utterly appalling.

Send your sister a link to this thread so she knows just how wrong she's been.

It's obviously highly unprofessional and unethical as well (as is sending pics of people's dirty homes) but is it possible that she was heart broken and upset for her client and wanted to share that with her family? She still shouldn't have done that or course but I just can't think of any other reason why someone would do that?

This and I would screenshot and pass it direct to the employer. I would stake our relationship on it - that a total invasion of privacy the fact she didn’t immediately delete it when challenged speaks volumes

What with the caption “it’s dead”?

To mock them.

Your sister's complete lack of boundaries or basic empathy will catch up with her at some point.

Omg 😦 she’s a vile person isn’t she. Who made her the Judge?

Maybe go to her house and when she isn’t watching film around the worse bits of her house and put them on the chat! I’m sure you will be outraged!

Don't know why you felt the need to ‘gently’ tell her…. What she did was appalling.

Didn't really want to say her occupation but I need to add to the context. She's a self employed estate agent. So she does technically have permission at certain points during the selling journey, to photograph people's homes. However, I don't think personal photos of people's stillborn babies are included in this. I don't want to report her to anyone, I know morally I should, but she is my sister and it would cause a huge rift in the family. I am disgusted at her and have thought for a long time she has a lot of narsaccistic traits. But I don't want to tear the family apart over this. I just really wanted some clarification that I was correct to address it with her, as she made me feel like she was the victim

That's horrible OP. She shouldn't be taking or sending any photos. No decency and I'd feel the urge to distance myself from her.

Edit after your update - the permissions given for photos to be taken is for the purposes of selling the house, and to be stored and shared for only related things. She doesn't have consent to share and use as she has and it's a huge breach of trust.

Nasty, intrusive and totally unacceptable. She's a guest in their home, she's crossed a line and in such bad taste. It's also illegal to photograph things in a private place and stick online. Am pretty sure home owners would not have consented. She had better be careful she doesn't put it anywhere else.
She doesn't like being pulled up on bad behaviour eh? That's her issue.

My mum is in her 60s. We are both in our 30s. She has no children

Your sister is the lowest of the low. Mocking a deceased baby. You probably won’t, but should show her this thread. Though by the sounds of her she will still think she has done nothing wrong.

Your sister is a vile excuse for a human. I wouldn't be "gently" telling her anything. I would be telling her how utterly disgusting and callous a person she is to refer to a deceased child in that manner. I would find it hard not to feel anything but contempt for her going forward.

This is classic DARVO OP if you haven’t heard of it (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). So when she’s criticised she turns it back on the other person. It is consistent with people with narcissistic traits. It’s done partly so they don’t feel the shame of having done the bad thing and pass it onto the other person and partly to train them not to criticise them again.

She has no children. Yes, I think we could have guessed this.