To ban SD from my en suite?!

[EasterEstherEgg]

I’m fuming!!

When I moved in with DH, an en suite was an essential on my list. I have DD12 and he has SS15 and SD17 and I don’t want to share my personal space with teenagers. They’re also not allowed in our bed.

Have come back from a work trip early to find SD getting out of my bath, with my shampoos, body lotions and creams laid out and my bloody dressing gown and slippers on and apparently she often does this when I’m away!

She - and DH and everyone else - are well aware my en suite is off limits. AIBU?

Hopefully she does, because her husband and his children are a burden she doesn’t need to carry.

Wearing someone else’s clothes?
It’s borrowing a dressing gown…

Has no one else with teenage DD been through this?

There are many more issues at play here. Language used about step children compared to DD.
working “internationally” - you have had free childcare for your DD whilst you do this. yes you earn more - put more in the house.
can you imagine if roles were reversed and this was a man saying this?

I don’t get the feeling you and DH are working as a team and would suspect all the DC are picking up on it.

It’s their house

My entire point was to get her something nice. And she's almost 18.

It belongs to OP and her husband, and they have an established rule that the en suite is off limits to their children. The stepdaughter is not entitled to use it or OP’s personal property.

Well of course.

i don’t spend stupid amounts on creams. But I do on clothes and jewellery, and my 16 yo DD is welcome to use and have all of it. If I did buy £££ creams of course I would let her use them. She’s my girl and I’d do anything for her. My mum was the same with me. I can’t imagine keeping stuff separate from my child. I actually delight in doing things for her and sharing my life with her. I can’t imagine any other way.

Apart from I do hide chocolate from my teen DS because he’s a greedy bugger. Aside from that what’s mine is theirs!

In this case though the OP has bigger issues with her DH and her SD so I do understand her now.

Speak for yourself, my en-suite is lovely thanks.

No but I think I might feel “gggrrr, I wasted my only child’s childhood working as hard as I could to pay for a house that wasn’t respected or appreciated. I wish I’d just focused on her”

I don’t really go along with some of that. We have generic products like shower gel etc. DD is welcome to any of those. I bought some expensive shampoo and conditioner because I had a medical problem that affected my hair. I asked DD not to use them and she didn’t.
she would never use anything that is very obviously mine.
i should add DD is a working adult who can buy her own stuff if she wanted to. We share all sorts but personal property is just that.

Do you think your daughter is unhappy with the living situation?

It’s clearly not just about the en-suite for you, are they regularly disrespectful to you or is it more that you just want to spend less time working and if life was a bit more chill it would all be okay? Is your problem mostly with dh or with the step kids?

I'd be furious too, @EasterEstherEgg . It definitely seems like a FU from her to you - she's not only used your en suite and your expensive products, she's worn your dressing gown and slippers too!

I also do not believe that your DH didn't know what she was doing.
He said he knew she went in your bedroom sometimes- what did he think she was doing in there?! A place she is absolutely not supposed to be!
So he doesn't respect your boundaries either.

I would be checking to see if there's any nice things missing - clothes, jewellery, cosmetics, perfume etc...

Good luck with whatever you decide going forward.
In a strange way, catching her like that has maybe done you a favour, if it's the catalyst for you taking action to make a happier life for you and your DD.

Because that’s the only way to keep her out of yoir ensuite? Unless you’re not that bothered? You can’t force her to stay out of it. It looks like as long as she can get in there, she will.

It’s really not about the cream though is it. There are boundaries for all of the children (not exclusively just for OPs child) and one of them has over stepped. It’s boundaries and respect.

What on earth does this man have that persuaded you to put all your money and hard work into housing him and his kids? Please tell us you have protected your deposit by deed of trust, and your unequal contributions to the mortgage through a properly proportionate tenants in common arrangement.

Well it’s up to you, all families are different.

I would not be happy about the bathrobe and slippers as she should have her own but I think YABU about the bathroom. I don't live with my Mum, but when I did live with her or when i visit her house I can use whatever bathroom I want and her products too. I often use her en suite cos it has a shower whereas the main bathroom only has a bath. I really don't see the problem as long as she doesn't leave it in a mess, if you hadn't caught her would you even have known? Is it because she is your SD rather than DD, would you be as angry with your own DD. I grew up in a house where nowhere was off limits, so maybe my family has different standards. I would borrow my mum's clothes sometimes, I even slept in my parents bed on occasion when they were away, I washed the sheets before they returned. They knew and it wasn't an issue.

there is no respect… Step daughter knows to do as she pleases as soon as you leave the building. Husband knows but cba as it doesn’t impact him as you don’t know, and his daughter is happy. Your child is sat feeling guilty as she doesn’t want to be a grass(effectively keeping secrets) … I’d kick this to the curb

Well that’s true but the point is here that OPs family either haven’t sorted their rules or DSD has chosen not to comply.

I would leave him. He and his child are disrespectful. You pay 75% of the mortgage, and everything else and still you get shown no appreciation.

You do know that your way doesn't mean you're a better parent don't you? I actually think it's quite sad that you don't feel you're entitled to your own things.

@geminicancerean

yes OP, can you not just be happy and grateful?

That's the nub of it tho (I say from experience with DH and stepkids).....it's not your own home now. They see it as their home and that they can do as they please.
Therein lies the problem and the battle. Pretty intolerable. I feel your upset OP. Nobody really prepares u for the reality. It's nearly broken our marriage. Not the bathroom issue but the general sentiment. I paid for the majority of the house but still have had to fight to not be sidelined in it by all the other players. Awful 😞

@mylifeisexams

thats quite selfish of you to not share your nice chocolate with your poor son. Why can’t he have it?

So if you put a luck on YOUR ensuite your husband can't use it either if you are away? It wouldn't bother me I. The slightest as for your products you go away out then away same with your dressing gown. In a family I wouldn't think of any part of the home being MINE but that's how I am.

OP, I’m outraged for you!

Your DH sounds like he has more to lose in this relationship than you. His DD sounds feral. I’d be fuming if she was using my stuff too.

I’d let DH know this is a make or break situation, or just end it.

He sounds ineffective and the kids just need proper boundaries.

If he can’t or won’t step up, I’d separate.