To ban SD from my en suite?!

[EasterEstherEgg]

I’m fuming!!

When I moved in with DH, an en suite was an essential on my list. I have DD12 and he has SS15 and SD17 and I don’t want to share my personal space with teenagers. They’re also not allowed in our bed.

Have come back from a work trip early to find SD getting out of my bath, with my shampoos, body lotions and creams laid out and my bloody dressing gown and slippers on and apparently she often does this when I’m away!

She - and DH and everyone else - are well aware my en suite is off limits. AIBU?

I’m sorry but I disagree.

If the OP needs to put a lock in her own home, then the issue is with her DH who doesn’t enforce boundaries when she isn’t there.

The answer isn’t a lock. It’s a review of the marriage and the lack of respect within it.

I wouldn’t. She did something she knew was not allowed, treated her SM and her belongings with disrespect and your solution is to reward her. Wouldn’t be mine. Yes, she is a ‘child’ - less than 1 yr from adulthood and more than old enough to know better. This was deliberate with scorn.

I think you have your answer. You absolutely shouldn’t tolerate this. Unfortunately it’s going to cost you a fortune to get rid of them, but will be money well spent.

My (adult) children use my en-suite and if they wanted to use my shower stuff and shampoos I wouldn’t care, why would I it’s a bathroom not a sacred temple and if the want to use a bit of shampoo why on earth would I say no? It’s shampoo not the elixir of life

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'd be livid if my own DD didn't ask to use any expensive products that I have. You put in rules/boundaries, ensured that there are sufficient products/bathrooms for the kids and it sounds like DSD has completely taken the piss and disrespected you.

There is one bathroom in my place, for me, my DS (19) and my DD (12), I wish I had another bathroom!! However, we all ask before using each other's stuff (e.g. if I've forgotten to buy a shower gel/whatever and need to use one of the DC's). My DD won't touch my makeup or my face products. She knows very well the cost of some of them (also how they may not be suitable for her skin type). She won't use my dressing gown (she has her own one) unless hers is in the wash (and again she will ask me first). There's communal stuff and personal stuff, and we don't take the piss.

Our bedrooms are personal space for us all. I go in to the DC rooms to put in laundry, strip/re-do beds or give the place a quick clean (and they do the same for mine), but no dossing in each other's rooms without permission. They also know that I'll go in if I have concerns about anything and need to check rooms (this has never happened). I thought this was all basic manners and respect for each other's things and personal space.

I think the fact that your DH hasn't done anything to stop this speaks volumes.

Did you all live together as a trial, before you paid the most of the deposit and bought together? Is the deposit ring fenced if u spilt? I wouldn’t have bothered getting married in your position as the higher earner.

what exactly did u say to SD when you found her in your room? And does DH back you up in these situations?

This. Some ridiculous replies on this thread.

Agreed.

Whatever shades of grey there may or may not be around DSD, none of that applies to DH. This is a grown adult man who has been told how important it is to his spouse to have this one boundary respected. He claims not to have known she was in the ensuite but did know she was in their bedroom, which either means he's lying or he's a complete fucking idiot- what reason would a 17 year old have to be sniffing around in their room?

I completely agree with you OP and I think this is a broader issue of your DPs children understanding the value respecting people’s privacy and value of money.

you work hard to provide for your child plus your partners children. This is about respect and appreciation, not about the cream.

It's a land grab and a power play, pure and simple. Of course she knows what Chanel products cost. Of course she knows the OP's ensuite is private.
Your DH needs to sort her out. Tell him if he can't, you'll be putting a lock on the door and carrying the key on you at all times, and he can deal with any fallout from her.

It's the lack of respect isn't it?

She was taking the piss using OP’s dressing gown, slippers and toiletries, don’t you agree? In OP’s place I’d really feel she was marking her territory and saying “fuck you” basically.

So there are bigger issues here.

Firstly your SC should not be using your bathroom, should not enter your bedroom and should not use your products, nor should she use your clothing. She should ask and is clearly doing this deliberately to upset you since she has another bathroom, her own products and her own clothes. She has zero respect.

Your husband is not supportive as he has not laid down the law here when you were not there. And clearly he has not had it out with her, which he should as he is her parent.

The bigger issue is that you are working hard, frequently away and your husband, the adult, has no respect for you either as you come home to a dosshouse. I suspect there is a lot more to this than Chanel facial moisturiser.

As much as I know SD is in the wrong, and I would be annoyed too, I have very vivid memories of gleefully swiping my mum’s Pond’s Cold Cream, Oil of Ulay moisturising lotion and squirting myself head to toe in her Anais Anais perfume so… yeah… maybe it’s a good thing that SD feels close enough to you to want to use your stuff?

Look, you dont like her and you dont like him - seeing as how its your money in the house, divorce the guy, sell the house, downsize and share custody of the one child you have together - upside of that is no one will ever touch your stuff again, downside is child will only see you 50% of the time.

I think this thread is weird for the opposite reason. The number of people telling OP she shouldn't care about this is bizarre.

OP this was really out of order and your DH and SCs don't respect you. It's clearly the last straw.

Oh give over. These aren't her kids. Her own kid wouldn't do this. It's not flattering that her step kids don't respect her or her space or belongings.

Really so what about your opinion about your own bathroom and products? What's that got to do with the OP?

There's a difference between sharing and taking. Your SD is taking. Your husband would rather you suck it up than him parent. Whatever she used, he now needs to replace. Brand new in a box exact brands/size. When the impact falls on him, he'll start to get it. She can have the bathrobe as she likes it so much, you'll have a new one of your choice.

But this does seem part of a bigger issue and you sound worn down with it. Given your circumstances, I'd at least look at splitting so you know where your options would leave you financially. I hope you protected that deposit.

This our bedroom and en-suite is absolutely off limits. He needs to tell her off and she needs to replace products used.

It bothers the OP, though. The DSD was using her stuff, including her clothing.

Yeah, I think I would be done too. 💐

Of course it's not unreasonable to say that the ensuite is reserved for people who live in the corresponding bedroom (you and DH) as long as the other members of the household also have fully functioning facilities that they can use. It sounds like this was not controversial in and of itself; DH also agreed to it and all of the children were aware of the rules including specifically that your toiletries and personal items were off limits. So of course even if one of the children had been invited to use the ensuite on an exception basis, they don't wear your robe and use your products unless specifically invited.

Your SD has done this; she has knowingly broken the household rules and stolen your stuff. She's a teen, it happens - but she gets an appropriate punishment for it, which may include paying you back monetarily if she's used something up or damaged something. HAS she been properly reprimanded and consequences imposed? (I'm not sure if this could come from you or would be via her dad only, but either way it needs to be swift and clear.)

However, I expect that there's more going on here and that this follow-up SC and DH treat our house like a dosshouse and I’m tired of coming home late after working hard to find a mess. I think I’m done. DD and I will be much happier living separately answers your larger question.

I agree this is a Fuck You op from her to you. I’d be raging, and really it’s up to her dad to sort. So disrespectful when she knows the room is off limits. I don’t think a lock should be necessary, but I think if it was me I would put one on - more because you clearly can’t trust your DH to enforce boundaries. Incidentally, why put up with this at all? I hope he’s worth it..

You don’t understand why people would bring their own products when visiting someone?

Firstly I would think that if I was visiting someone who uses soap to wash their face that they would not have any suitable face wash for me.

Secondly, skin care, decent skincare is expensive, I would never presume that I could just use anyone else’s products just because I’m visiting them.

Thirdly, skincare and toiletries are personal. I too have peri skin atm I use a variety of cleansers, morning, night, exfoliating, breakout, calming.. depending on what my hormones are doing. Then I treat and moisturise with day time or nighttime products accordingly. Even pre peri I’d only use brands that I could use on my skin, not everyone’s skin is the same. I have preteen and teen DDs, they to have specific products based on their skin type. If they ever dreamed of helping themselves to anyone else’s stuff without permission they would be in a lot of trouble.

The same goes for toothpaste, there are five people in our house and we all have our preferred toothpaste, the only time we put up with a lack of choice is when we go on holiday and then it will be one adult and one child option. Which we bring ourselves.

shampoo ditto, I have spent years finding the right shampoo for me, it’s not a cheap one either, dd1 has fine greasy hair like mine, dd2 dry frizzy dd3 a skin condition so can only use her medicated stuff and a balding DH who doesn’t need any..

Guests have a huge variety of products I’d happily share in my house but I’d never presume I could just help myself in someone else’s home, that’s just rude.