To ban SD from my en suite?!

[EasterEstherEgg]

I’m fuming!!

When I moved in with DH, an en suite was an essential on my list. I have DD12 and he has SS15 and SD17 and I don’t want to share my personal space with teenagers. They’re also not allowed in our bed.

Have come back from a work trip early to find SD getting out of my bath, with my shampoos, body lotions and creams laid out and my bloody dressing gown and slippers on and apparently she often does this when I’m away!

She - and DH and everyone else - are well aware my en suite is off limits. AIBU?

The most important question.

There are plenty of communal areas in a family home and yes they are to be shared. Bedrooms are usually seen as more private spaces. And an en suite is part of a bedroom. When my DC were teenagers I didn’t just go into their bedrooms without knocking or asking if I could pop some ironing on the bed. And they would do the same. They had a family bathroom with bath and shower and there was a separate shower for them both to use. Occasionally if we had guests one of them would use our en suite shower but they would always ask first. Even though the answer would always be yes. Because that’s basic manners.

OP isn’t being mean by having an area of her home that is private. No doubt her SD expects her own room to be respected as a private zone too. Communal living only works when each member respects the privacy of others and plays their part in looking after the communal spaces. If SD goes off to uni soon she is going to have to learn this lesson pretty sharpish!

Sorry, what am I reading?! People buy expensive shit for themselves but what do they want their children to put on their skin? This is a new level of selfishness that has never even occurred to me…

I don’t really see any room in our house as off limits for our kids. Maybe you feel different as it’s a SD.

Actually thinking about it, my youngest (age 8) often comes into my bathroom for a poo whilst I’m in the bath or shower. He likes “company”, despite there being several other toilets he could have chosen 😂 I assume he’ll stop a some point haha.

I wouldn’t be mad she used your bathroom. It would piss me off about the bathrobe and using your expensive lotions!! One hundred percent hold the line on that.

And what is your DH doing about it. What consequences have been put in place?

Your DSD was very disrespectful.

She owes you £70 for the face cream for starters then needs to wash your dressing gown, replace any other products she has used and clean the bathroom.

Sounds like this living arrangement isn't working.

Who would look after your DD when you work away if yoy lived separately? Does she stay with her dad?

This completely. I wouldn't go through stuff in either of my DDs rooms, nor would they go through mine (aged 14 and 17). If they wanted to use my perfume etc, borrow something, they'd ask, and I'd say yes. But they'd never take things without asking and nor would I. It's about respect. Your SD isn't doing this when you're there, she's doing it secretly, which indicates that she knows fine well that it's disrespectful and dishonest. She's 17 not 7. I'd be furious too.

Hmmm, not sure about this one.

I know that DC/ teens these days like good stuff, and I think it is good for their MH to get into a routine of self care and to feel you deserve to have something nice.

If they get nits, athletes foot and ringworm then it doesn't sound to me like they have a luxurious bathroom and download from Selfridges to melt into at their mums. Having a fancy spa bath, with expensive products and then putting on a gorgeous bathrobe will be like a day out at Champneys to a teen.

My youngest DC took a battering off his classmates when 9-10 about being fat and ugly. Now he is 16 and drop dead gorgeous, but his self esteem is still recovering from his junior years. He has his own small ensuite, but DH and I have the big one with the bath, big shower and products which he uses all the time. DH and I treat ourselves to decent products from Elemis and Aveda. I buy my DS skincare from Clinique to help with greasy skin and spots. My eldest son is always nicking my beloved Elemis Frangipani shower gel and when I hunt it down I get told "please can I keep it, it smells sooooooo nice".

When I see my youngest DS use my items, it doesn't really bother me. In fact I can see that it makes him feel good, so I let it go. If I would do that for my own child, I would like to think that I would do it for a step child.

So, I'd have a chat with her. I'd ask her not to use my face cream on her legs, but direct her to a body lotion. I'd buy her a dressing gown and slippers of her own as a present for birthday or Christmas.

You're language is appalling

I’m with you, OP. She thinks you have more than her so she helps herself. She doesn’t comprehend that you work hard for what you have and are entitled to not sharing it. Are you in love with your DH or can you leave?

My DD is 20, she’d only use something expensive if she’d asked, but would take cheap things from our ES if she’s run out in her own bathroom. I don’t mind that.
Totally rude to use your dressing gown, and the bath too if there is an alternative bath. I’d ask for her to replace the cream - using an expensive face cream on her legs is just taking it too far - a dab on her face I could probably overlook.

When i win the lottery, I’m gonna build a house with a bedroom arrangement like the queen and Prince Phillip had on the crown - living space with separate his’n’hers bedrooms and bathroom off each side, and woe betide anyone coming into my side without invitation!

I don’t think this is a recent thing at all, growing up to me it was always pretty much unspoken that you don’t go to the “adults” private spaces.

My uncles had an en suite as well and I know what it looks like, but we’ve never used it. And there’s no reason to when there’s other bathrooms available.

YANBU if the ensuite isn't the only bath.

Think you need to get out more.

Surely the issue here is using other people's personal stuff (creams etc, bathrobe) without asking permission, and also using other people's personal spaces (en suite) when you have been asked not to. Stepdaughter or not, those are not good behaviours and should not go unchallenged.

But of course as a step mum, you are getting a bit of a shoeing on here, OP. You're not wrong to be upset (especially as it has been happening with your other half's knowledge, it seems). That sounds like he is being Disney dad and asking you to suck up any behaviour now you have found out so he doesn't have to step up and back you on reinforcing boundaries.

I wouldn't concentrate on your step relationship and what her possible motives are, but on getting your husband to reinforce the fact that in any house you do not help yourself to other people's things nor use things you have been asked not to. If she wants a nice bathrobe, creams etc that is another story, she needs to talk about it.

An expensive tub of cream intended for facial use isn't going to last long if someone is slathering it on their legs. Objecting to that is certainly not mean.

Reminds me of that fairytale involving a step mum talking to a mirror

Grrr I feel angry on your behalf, OP.

Is she jealous of you? Because her using such an expensive face cream on her legs (FFS!!! 🤬) is a very clear way of signalling "I'm worth more than you."

I don't understand how pp on this thread don't understand the problem.
Maybe they don't have expensive products (or boundaries) but I completely understand op getting annoyed by this.

Every person in a household is entitled to their privacy and own belongings.

The use of the bathroom is one thing (I know DC who would do that on occasion) but deliberate use of the costly face cream as moisturiser and your bathrobe does seem a ‘fuck you’

you’ve said you brought more money to the property, earn much more & have to travel frequently for it, have one DC while DH has two, and that he and his DC treat the place like a ‘doss house’.

This set up and use of your resources doesn’t seem to benefit your DC, and you’re pissed off with it, fair enough to consider ending the living arrangements.

I don't recall Snow White purloining her stepmother's things.

This thread is so depressing and misogynistic.

soooooo many posters really think that as a woman especially a mother ESPECIALLY a stepmother cannot have ANYTHING for themselves. Not even a bottle of nice shampoo. It’s so sad 😢 Just ignore them, OP - YANBU

Ok I’ve changed my mind having read the OP’s updates.

In this case OP I would put your DD first and get the hell out.

You shouldn’t have to put a lock, but you should put a lock. As you’re frequently away, it’s the only way to ensure your boundaries are kept.

Fwiw, for me the bathroom wouldn’t be such a big deal, although annoying when there are multiple other options. However, liberally using your expensive creams incorrectly would send me into orbit and I’d be demanding replacement.

Completely agree. I would be really cross if someone was using Chanel moisturiser on their legs in a space they weren’t supposed to be in. I do not think it’s worth blowing up the blended family, that seems OTT - but I would be pretty angry.

Sorry but you have a dh issue.
If you want to be angry, be angry at HIM.
lHe knew the bathroom is off limits to ALL the teenagers.
He knew his dd used it when you’re not at home. The bathroom agd all the neatly products. He knew she has done that repeatidly. And he said NOTHING

He is showing he has no respect for you and your things. No respect your what you want.
Believe him.