Page 22 | AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

BrightPearlEagle · 2026-07-02T12:09:11+00:00

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give. My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically. But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down. He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore. The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through. We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress. I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him. My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age. I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead. So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 15:11

AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 14:54

So did he sleep with her BEFORE all the calls and texts and bothering? And then later on think a 'one more time' would end it?
Whether he slept with her in the first place is an important detail!
And he offered her money to get her to go away?! Does he think money buys anything? I'm really wondering what kind of culture this boy comes from and how it might have shaped him ...

On a separate note, I just realised I spelled 'rein' as 'reign' in an earlier post 😬, don't think I can edit.

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I see you've answered this.

celine321 · 03/07/2026 15:12

BrightPearlEagle · 03/07/2026 15:09

I think there’s an mis understanding.

She asked to mess around the very first time he kept saying no
She kept messaging him asking etc he kept saying no just leave him alone
He gave in and slept with her once, then she decided to constantly call, message, contact his friends to tell him etc masking to see him again one more time
He said no and that’s when she started threatening him etc telling him to kill himself, she hates him etc, calling over 50+ times, then he blocked her.

We were not aware of any of those going on for a while DH and I were completely clueless about this girl and what was going on between them. His friends did have messages from her even saying to them to tell my son to kill himself she hates him, at that time my son just thought it was funny and just told his friends to send her laughing emojis (they’re immature) I do not think they fully understood what was going on. My son said to her it’s affecting him all the calls etc she kept saying she just wants to see him she misses him etc. It was all chaotic, I was more distraught and angry at my son for not telling us but why would he, he resents me for taking her side when we were made aware of everything just to come and see all the harassment that he was dealing with.

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She sounds obsessed. Where were her parents checking her messages and parenting her? I'd be horrified if my child pursued someone in this way.

Original poster

BrightPearlEagle · 03/07/2026 15:14

AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 15:03

Not responding but they won't stop contacting? Tell him to block them.
I well remember there being a 'thing' about boys from the local posh school, and being obsessed myself and bagging a bf and a school scarf 😅 but I've honestly never heard of anything like this, he sounds like a pop star or something!

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I think these are simply teenage girls from a single sex school who do not interact with boys that much, as is the boys’ school my son attends.

The two schools are closely linked with joint socials for the boys and girls such as dances, and they also share feeder prep schools so many of the families are familiar with one another. I know a number of the parents myself because my son attended the same prep school as their children so there is quite a lot of overlap within the community.

That said I do have concerns about the environment overall. The schools have a long-standing reputation, and there have always been interactions and issues between the boys’ and girls’ schools, even in previous generations. DH also attended the same school and has said that similar dynamics existed when he was there.

Looking back we may have made a mistake in choosing that school.

OP posts:

AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 15:14

BrightPearlEagle · 03/07/2026 14:57

I have said several times that, based on everything we have seen, and her parents have seen the allegation was false considering in multiple texts afterwards she said ‘answer me or I’ll get you in trouble’During the time he did insist that she kept harassing him, before seeing the messages and interactions I believed the girl and not my son and now he will always resent me for that. Her parents have since apologised and have told her to just leave him be.

Before they ever had sex, she was already asking to see him and suggesting they could "just mess around" and he kept saying ‘No I don’t want you’ (his words) and the ‘just mess around’ were her exact words, which I may be old but I understood to mean engaging in sexual activity without being in a relationship. She regularly offered him sexual favours in an attempt to get him to respond to her messages, but he repeatedly said no. The messages show him making it clear that he was not interested, did not want a girlfriend and wanted to be left alone.

The contact became relentless. On one occasion she called him more than 50 times in a single day. She also used No Caller ID when he stopped answering. It reached the point where he deliberately left his phone at home because he did not want to deal with the constant calls and messages. He even offered to pay her to leave him alone.
He was 15, immature and handled the situation badly. He has told us that he wrongly believed that if he slept with her, she would finally stop contacting him. Instead, it made the situation much worse. That was a poor decision, and we have never suggested otherwise. He should not have handled it that way.

However, throughout all of their interactions, he consistently told her that he did not want a relationship. He asked her to find someone else, repeatedly told her to leave him alone and asked her to respect his decision.
Afterwards, she bombarded him with messages telling him to kill himself. One of the days, we counted over 20 times where she told him to kill himself in one day , he did not respond to those he just ignored which I think made it worse as she spiralled and kept on and on till she got a response. Whatever people think of my son, and however critical they are of his behaviour, I do not believe anyone deserves to receive dozens of messages in the space of an hour telling them to take their own life simply because they rejected someone. That behaviour is deeply concerning, regardless of who it is directed at. Both teenagers made poor decisions, but I do not think it is fair to ignore everything he experienced simply because he is a boy.

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Ok, if she was badgering him BEFORE sex and saying it's just messing around, he eventually did it, then came threats of suicide etc, there's something else going on here. I'd be tempted to think personality disorder or something for the girl (yes I do have a psychology background, not that that really matters as all that's needed is intelligence/knowledge) - or maybe there's actually some kind of bullying campaign towards your son?
Maybe a group of girls have decided it's 'funny' to bombard him or something?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 03/07/2026 15:16

I don’t think you are a bad parent though. All the boys I know have had their moments between 13-22 and beyond. No parent that I know sails through without any issue.

DallazMajor · 03/07/2026 15:16

Why do you keep saying you’re a bad parent that has failed him? You need to address this issue firstly. My friend is always saying stuff like this and it’s grating. She feels guilty because she drinks too much and because she feels guilty she panders to her kids and they treat her like shit.

Teenagers don’t really have much empathy esp towards their parents. If they see a weakness they will use it to their advantage.

AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 15:16

BrightPearlEagle · 03/07/2026 15:09

I think there’s an mis understanding.

She asked to mess around the very first time he kept saying no
She kept messaging him asking etc he kept saying no just leave him alone
He gave in and slept with her once, then she decided to constantly call, message, contact his friends to tell him etc masking to see him again one more time
He said no and that’s when she started threatening him etc telling him to kill himself, she hates him etc, calling over 50+ times, then he blocked her.

We were not aware of any of those going on for a while DH and I were completely clueless about this girl and what was going on between them. His friends did have messages from her even saying to them to tell my son to kill himself she hates him, at that time my son just thought it was funny and just told his friends to send her laughing emojis (they’re immature) I do not think they fully understood what was going on. My son said to her it’s affecting him all the calls etc she kept saying she just wants to see him she misses him etc. It was all chaotic, I was more distraught and angry at my son for not telling us but why would he, he resents me for taking her side when we were made aware of everything just to come and see all the harassment that he was dealing with.

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I see, get it now.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 03/07/2026 15:19

AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 15:14

Ok, if she was badgering him BEFORE sex and saying it's just messing around, he eventually did it, then came threats of suicide etc, there's something else going on here. I'd be tempted to think personality disorder or something for the girl (yes I do have a psychology background, not that that really matters as all that's needed is intelligence/knowledge) - or maybe there's actually some kind of bullying campaign towards your son?
Maybe a group of girls have decided it's 'funny' to bombard him or something?

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Yes, sounds like personality disorder. Regardless, in my opinion, single sex schools are not helpful in protecting young people against other young people. State schools tend to be bigger and rougher but the kids develop resilience and are less naive.

knackeredmumoftwo · 03/07/2026 15:26

I would really suggest watching intra Alia - the national theatre play - it's a similar complex situation- heartbreaking but you're not alone - I would suggest considering changing schools
to one with a more progressive environment that doesn't brush this under the carpet- I would also suggest counselling for your son to explore some of these complex issues and feelings _ he needs to understand that he cannot behave like this and how close he is to the police being involved so he learns from this but I'd really look at the school environment it doesn't sound healthy

Justveryveryangry · 03/07/2026 15:27

WhatNextImScared · 02/07/2026 13:38

You could still report him. There’s every risk if you don’t that he will continue to believe (as charismatic powerful men do) that how he treats women really doesn’t actually matter one way or another.

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The girl isn’t standing by her original allegations - there could be all sorts of reasons for her doing that which don’t necessarily mean she is choosing to stay quiet about what actually happened - and you have no evidence that what was originally alleged took place, so what exactly do you think the Police are going to do?

Laurmolonlabe · 03/07/2026 15:36

Does this school have boarders?, if so I'd send him as a weekly boarder, if not swop to a school that does- behaving like that he is not going to do well in exams, so there is no downside to swopping schools, being away from his friends will also help. Popular pupils often get carried away with the idea that popularity will carry them, without any work, having been popular in your peer group is not useful on a CV.

Differentforgirls · 03/07/2026 15:40

BrightPearlEagle · 03/07/2026 12:09

I do agree that, at 15, they are both emotionally immature and still learning how to navigate situations like this.

We spoke to our son about it in detail, and his response was, "What am I supposed to do? She's the one who won't leave me alone. Check my phone. I've never once told her I like her." He kept saying that the messages would show he had repeatedly asked her to stop contacting him. He had told her to leave him alone, said he did not want a relationship, and even suggested she should find someone else because he was not interested.

From what we have seen, he was trying to be clear, but she continued to contact him. She told him she would get him into trouble and repeatedly sent messages telling him to kill himself. As disappointed as I am with many aspects of my son's behaviour, I do not believe anyone deserves to receive repeated messages encouraging them to take their own life. What struck me most was that he never replied in kind. He did not retaliate or send abusive messages back. In fact, the less he responded, the more messages like that seemed to come.

I cannot help but think that if the roles were reversed, and a boy had repeatedly pursued a girl after she had said no, refused to accept her rejection, and then sent messages telling her to kill herself when she would not respond, people would rightly see that as deeply concerning. That does not excuse my son's later behaviour, but I do think both sides of the situation deserve to be acknowledged. The reverse does exist, watched a recent doc exactly about this same thing, the woman did not want anything to do with the man and kept harassing him to the point she committed suicide.

One thing this has made me reflect on is why he never came to either DH or me for help. Reading some of the responses here, I wonder whether part of the reason is that, because he is a boy, he did not think anyone would take his feelings seriously. Instead, he tried to deal with it on his own, and unfortunately made some very poor decisions in the process. That does not remove his responsibility for those decisions, but it does help explain why he felt so isolated.

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Did he not come to you and you sent him away because you couldn't look at him?

Differentforgirls · 03/07/2026 15:41

TheSquareMile · 03/07/2026 11:49

@BrightPearlEagle

OP, apologies if you have answered this, but would it be possible to find a place in a boarding school from this autumn?

I wanted to suggest Millfield, but don't know whether they can take applications outside of the normal admission pattern.

https://www.millfieldschool.com/admissions/admissions-ages-13-18

So send your problems away?

ScrollingLeaves · 03/07/2026 16:14

Laurmolonlabe · 03/07/2026 15:36

Does this school have boarders?, if so I'd send him as a weekly boarder, if not swop to a school that does- behaving like that he is not going to do well in exams, so there is no downside to swopping schools, being away from his friends will also help. Popular pupils often get carried away with the idea that popularity will carry them, without any work, having been popular in your peer group is not useful on a CV.

He is very good at work. Heading for good exam results.

Differentforgirls · 03/07/2026 16:21

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 03/07/2026 15:19

Yes, sounds like personality disorder. Regardless, in my opinion, single sex schools are not helpful in protecting young people against other young people. State schools tend to be bigger and rougher but the kids develop resilience and are less naive.

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After reading this thread I think I'm right in my views that fee paying schools, especially single sex ones, are a danger to children's health.

Never heard anything like this in state school which appear to be getting recommended as a punishment.

A punishment!

Unbelievable.

MandemChickenShop · 03/07/2026 16:46

This all reads like the plot for the second season of Wild Cherry!

Burgundyleaf · 03/07/2026 17:04

I haven’t read all the thread but a couple of things jump out at me. Did your son feel supported when he was accused of assault? That’s quite a lot to deal with at 15. His attitude towards girls doesn’t seem very healthy but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve some support in a situation he didn’t know how to deal with. Where does the attitude to girls come from? Maybe address why he thinks and acts that way with girls. That may mean removing his access to inappropriate social media etc.

The other thing that jumps out is I think sending him to grandparents is not the right thing to do, the issues need to be dealt with not avoided. Have you talked to him? Asked him why he feels he needs to act the way he does. Does he feel he can be open with you? Communication is very important with teenagers it can be the most confusing time of a child’s life. I also don’t think removing things etc trip to US, phones works. That’s quite an old fashioned idea of parenting ruling with a rod of iron.

I have two sons both teenagers and respect works both ways, they have boundaries but we aren’t strict. When they mess up it usually means they are more disappointed in themselves than we are with them.

I also think you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself, things can always be changed and parenting is tough and we don’t always get it right.

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 03/07/2026 17:26

I think OP might have jumped the shark wit the narrative about her son, from 13, being so attractive that adults are forced to intervene and he is begging for relief from the swarms of girls fawning over him.

MxCactus · 03/07/2026 17:35

OP you mentioned you wouldn't send him to a mixed school - actually this would be good for him and his relationship with girls. He'd start seeing them as actual people.

Everyone I know from single sex school was absolutely obsessed with the opposite sex as teenagers. If you keep him in a single sex school you'll be breeding that mentality imo

Brainstorm23 · 03/07/2026 18:53

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 03/07/2026 17:26

I think OP might have jumped the shark wit the narrative about her son, from 13, being so attractive that adults are forced to intervene and he is begging for relief from the swarms of girls fawning over him.

I'm finding this thread absolutely ludicrous tbh.

PrettyPickle · 03/07/2026 19:02

Mistymagic77 · 03/07/2026 11:38

I really feel for you/your son re the allegations. As a parent of a teenage boy, it is a constant worry(I read too much!) that they could be falsely accused. I think it would have been better not to mention here. Your original post suggested there was some substance to the allegations. However, your subsequent explanations show that they were clearly false.

i was thinking about your post last night. I think comments have ben unduly harsh. You are not a bad parent and not sure what else you could do. You have clearly given your children a very good life, care deeply whilst also both working FT to provide said life. I am sure it is just a phase that has unfortunately started very young for your son.

good luck with the summer and whatever you decide.

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Being fair, the OP did not initially provide all this information and it does give a different slant than that which she initially aired.

I think she also needs to teach her son how to block a contact from the sounds of it.

Netcurtainnelly · 03/07/2026 19:12

BrightPearlEagle · 02/07/2026 13:25

We should have sent him to board, but it’s too late for that now. DH and I have done everything we can, but it has caused us a great deal of stress as parents. We are currently in counselling regarding our son; he refuses to attend, so we are instead receiving parenting support, although it doesn’t seem to be making much difference so far.

It's your house, set boundaries. Don'twt him have a different girl in the house all the time.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 03/07/2026 19:24

Honestly I think this is made up.

The first time the allegation is mentioned - OP implied it happened

It was then implied he didn’t

it was then explained that he deffo didn’t

Then later, not only didn’t he do it, he was the victim.

The girls school contacting OP about the allegation that they thought was true, how did they get her details?

The same school didn’t report it to the police? Yeah ok, that’s pretty unbelievable

A lot of talk about him being with lots of different girls but no explanation what that means. Has OP caught him having sex?

He’s apparently misogynistic but no anecdotes about how.

All of this to say, even though I think it’s complete rubbish, I feel like this post is proving the allegations about different takes if this were a boy or a girl. Despite the OP saying the ‘son’ was coerced in to having sex and stalked by the girl, people are still centring this girl as the victim. Literally mental

BigPurpleBookQueen · 03/07/2026 19:51

He is still a boy but now dealing with adult emotions & situations.

He would probably benefit from counselling if you can somehow get him to go.

my boys, grown ups now, we’re still playing with Lego at age 15!

celine321 · 03/07/2026 20:05

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 03/07/2026 19:24

Honestly I think this is made up.

The first time the allegation is mentioned - OP implied it happened

It was then implied he didn’t

it was then explained that he deffo didn’t

Then later, not only didn’t he do it, he was the victim.

The girls school contacting OP about the allegation that they thought was true, how did they get her details?

The same school didn’t report it to the police? Yeah ok, that’s pretty unbelievable

A lot of talk about him being with lots of different girls but no explanation what that means. Has OP caught him having sex?

He’s apparently misogynistic but no anecdotes about how.

All of this to say, even though I think it’s complete rubbish, I feel like this post is proving the allegations about different takes if this were a boy or a girl. Despite the OP saying the ‘son’ was coerced in to having sex and stalked by the girl, people are still centring this girl as the victim. Literally mental

True but great thread anyhow, with helpful posts if anyone else genuinely finds themselves with a challenging teen.