AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

My big issue in this is that a 15 year old was apparently feeling massively pressured and didn't think to talk to any adults at any point. If I was feeling pressured and harassed by someone as an adult I would be going to the police. Why did he not try to talk to someone if he was feeling pressured for months?

I haven't accused you of being a bad parent. I do understand it's easy for people to give advice when they're not in the situation. I don't think it makes you a bad parent but you do need to stop making excuses for him.

RE his electronics, what is he doing with himself when you've taken his phone? Whatever it is, stop him doing that so he's literally left sitting bored.

Okay, if you didn't pay for it, surely you still need to give your permission for them to take him being that he's a child? Tell them they cannot take him now? What real punishment has he had? I get it's hard to pull him out of what he loves, potentially a double-edge sword but what are the alternatives? Let him just carry on? Can't lie, this has me dreading the teenage stage

Crikey. Does he play another sports? Maybe cricket would help.

I do think a pp saying go away with him to repair bonds and show love may be right and a good way forward even though he has been such a problem. It does not mean there can’t be other boundaries and sanctions.

He shouldn’t be filling a vacuum with sex and adulation from the girls, and other boys loving him being a lad, as it will leave him empty.

And he might have got into some sort of toxic group.

There is a marvellous book,

Hold on to Your Kids
Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers
by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Nobody said there arent 'popular' kids, but a kid that every single girl fawns over, everywhere he goes? Nah, not buying it.

this does change things quite a lot as its clearly been the girl pressuring him into something he didnt want, thats not OK at all. Weird that the second post said he assaulted a girl though.

He sounds like a spoilt private school brat op.
Som boys schools can be very very toxic masculinity and if boys are good at sports then any behaviour goes as long as they are performing.

Id seriously be threatening to move schools. Hockey would not be happening. And there would be some serious intervention in topics of rape and consent

Agree, seemingly a lot of excuses are being made. Restricting electronics / things he doesn’t care about isn’t working because apparently he doesn’t care. Restricting trips/hockey is something he cares about, and therefore won’t be considered as a punishment. Just one example from this thread… But speaks volumes, imo.
i get it’s more nuanced than that, and Im not saying any of this is easy- it seems you’ve been at your wits end, OP- but reading through these posts it appears you’ve slipped into defending and excusing your sons actions, which probably signals something to work on for starters. Switch out excuses with some consequences, hard as that may be.
wish you the best of luck in getting things on track.

@BrightPearlEagle I did not think you would return, so I saw no point in posting.

It’s hard to put it into words, but until you stop blaming yourself over his behaviour, your brain won’t start working on finding the solution.

i was like that with my adopted daughter. Until my mother warned me to snap out of it sharpish to avoid depression. I did. I reevaluated everything and focused on all the things I and my supportive family have done for her: best school, most expensive schooling than anyone of us - because we felt private education at a younger age would help her with her potentials and we were right (I only went private for secondary myself); loving home, etc etc. So much so, after nothing was working, I spoke to her and told her I was ready for MY judgement day and hand on heart, I knew I had done everything and the best for her. It was now up to her to carry on without change something I will accept and deal with, as a non-changing situation that she was intend on maintaining.

of course she still got gifts etc etc as I know physically and emotionally abandoning her was worse as it would put her in the wrong hands which I was trying to stop. It was tough as some days I didn’t want to look at her!

Yup, continued parenting, appreciating her when she had done well- no matter how difficult: she is hard working and will carry out all tasks asked of her, very neat, very clean etc etc. whilst also addressing the behaviour but not from the place of guilt, but from the place of: this is her decision, will keep asking for change but won’t let that affect me as it on her.

someone did say - to a different poster- that sometimes when they start seeing the hurt they cause you, they feel guilty over it and feel sorry for you, and sometimes, that helps them in wanting to stop hurting you as they do love you and see all you do for them.

good luck.

not feeling guilty was the one advice I gave to mother of my goddaughter when she rang me in total despair. I literally warned her she needed to be well for the younger sibling and could not afford to make herself unwell through guilt. It didn’t help the father was blaming her so she eventually blocked him.

I don’t really understand what exactly it is about your son’s choices and which elements of his behaviour are making you hate him? Is this all about the situation between him and the young girl?

I’m wondering if the fact a school has contacted you regarding the questionable “assault”, which both your son and ‘the girl’ have said didn’t happen, has left you and your husband feeling exposed and humiliated, and this has affected your attitude towards your son. You describe yourselves as bad parents, but you may be perfectionists expecting too much of yourselves, and of your son too?

Less than desirable goings-on between teenagers are a commonplace but, in most cases, the parents don’t get to hear about it and are spared the anguish you’re experiencing.

I think what your son actually needs is female friends. Not girls who fancy him, or who he's planning to sleep with, but actual friends he hangs out with, enjoys being around and does stuff with.

This will help on both fronts. You also need to get the notion out of your head that ALL girls see him as someone they fancy.

I'd recommend putting him into something like explorers, or a mixed sports team. Where he can see girls not just as fancy-able, but as skilled individuals he could build a friendship with, who may even be better than him at some things, and who's opinions and feelings matter too. I'd also say, he needs to socialise with girls who are used to being around boys, so girls from mixed schools, not just the ones from the attached girls school. In explorers, the leaders will have clear boundaries about friendships, not relationships, and will have a group structure which facilities making friends and mixing well. A healthy dose of respect is needed here, in terms of the manosphere aspect, but also the sex stuff and the girls bothering him aspects!

I'd then consider whether a boys school actually remains the best option for him beyond GCSES, and make sure you go look round plenty of mixed places, including your local college, and a few state school and sixth form only environments. In those places he'd go from a BNOC, big fish in small pond to a small fish in a big pond and some of the bravado will probably drop away. Not saying he has to actually go there, but it's good to see all the options!

So they contacted you because of assault, but you reworded this to 'all the girls fancy him'.

That's a massive disconnect.

I'd take him for a drive into the middle of nowhere, lock the car, put the keys away and say: we need to sort out what is going on because I am worried about your behaviour. I hate it. I love you but I hate your behaviour right now. Are you acting out because somehting has happened that you are struggling with?

If not, then you have to say, then stop behaving like some Andrew Tate tosser and start behaving like the person you are capable of being - bright and confident as ever but also kind, ethical, fun, affectionate.

If he won't talk about it, I'd be tempted to access his laptop, phone etc to see if he has been influenced by Andrew Tate-style misogynists. If so, remove phone and laptop. Give him a basic phone and no internet access other than school work. But discuss why. Not punishment but concern that his personality, his morals, his good qualities are being eroded and he needs to recover them.

I doubt OP literally means “all”. Teens are tribal and tend to crush on the same objects. Certain kids get a mythology around them - heightened by social media and the contemporary blur between civilians, influencers, celebs etc.

I would be interested to know what the school have to say about it. Are they tending to turn a blind eye because he is performing well academically and in sport?

I think you and the school need to put on a united front. Spell out to him what the boundaries are and the consequences in infringement and stick to it. Don't put boundaries in place for the sake of it, work out what is important and work from there. When he infringes the party line is that those are the rules, this is the consequence. Try to remain neutral about it.

I feel like some time apart might be good. A week or two at the grandparents if they are prepared to also buy into agreed boundaries and consequences.

The school sounds blind to his faults because it’s probably one of those boys’ private schools that rewards charisma which sometimes manifests as toxicity. It will be an ingrained culture rather than anything more sinister. He sounds like he could do with being in a mixed school because he has come to view women and girls as another species. Couldn’t you consider a high performing mixed private sixth form? There are plenty. The girls will possibly fawn a bit but the culture will be very different. He sounds like a sensitive kid who’s wearing all that bravado because of the way people respond to his sportsmanship and good looks etc. people on here are being really unfair but also I think you need to give your son a hug and have some fun with him.

i have two sons who go to a mixed high performing school. There are some popular sporty boys but they tend to hang out with the popular sporty girls and the girls are treated equally as far as we can see.

it’s great he doesn’t love screens but that must mean the toxic masculinity is coming from the school culture. Mixing with girls in a non sexual social setting like a new school might help. Not a state
school if you don’t want that.

also a fresh slate might be nice for your son who sounds like he has to live up to everyone’s expectations where he is currently.

not sure why some people come on threads to say ‘he sounds like an arsehole’. This is a child.

He could cut his hair really short so he’s less obviously good looking.
My DS had a serious gf at 15. When he finished with her after maybe a year he told me (unusually because we didn’t often have close chats) that all the girls in his year were being bitchy to him on her behalf. He was quite upset.
This was years ago and I don’t think they had sex but she was still obviously gutted at the ending of the relationship.
What can you do? he didn’t have a gf after that that I know of until well into uni.

He sounds like an arsehole because he sexually assaulted a girl and is rude to his parents, and seems to sleep around using their house as a venue.
Yes he is still a child and they need to keep the connection but he also needs bringing firmly into line.

So did he sleep with her BEFORE all the calls and texts and bothering? And then later on think a 'one more time' would end it?
Whether he slept with her in the first place is an important detail!
And he offered her money to get her to go away?! Does he think money buys anything? I'm really wondering what kind of culture this boy comes from and how it might have shaped him ...

On a separate note, I just realised I spelled 'rein' as 'reign' in an earlier post 😬, don't think I can edit.

I have said several times that, based on everything we have seen, and her parents have seen the allegation was false considering in multiple texts afterwards she said ‘answer me or I’ll get you in trouble’During the time he did insist that she kept harassing him, before seeing the messages and interactions I believed the girl and not my son and now he will always resent me for that. Her parents have since apologised and have told her to just leave him be.

Before they ever had sex, she was already asking to see him and suggesting they could "just mess around" and he kept saying ‘No I don’t want you’ (his words) and the ‘just mess around’ were her exact words, which I may be old but I understood to mean engaging in sexual activity without being in a relationship. She regularly offered him sexual favours in an attempt to get him to respond to her messages, but he repeatedly said no. The messages show him making it clear that he was not interested, did not want a girlfriend and wanted to be left alone.

The contact became relentless. On one occasion she called him more than 50 times in a single day. She also used No Caller ID when he stopped answering. It reached the point where he deliberately left his phone at home because he did not want to deal with the constant calls and messages. He even offered to pay her to leave him alone.
He was 15, immature and handled the situation badly. He has told us that he wrongly believed that if he slept with her, she would finally stop contacting him. Instead, it made the situation much worse. That was a poor decision, and we have never suggested otherwise. He should not have handled it that way.

However, throughout all of their interactions, he consistently told her that he did not want a relationship. He asked her to find someone else, repeatedly told her to leave him alone and asked her to respect his decision.
Afterwards, she bombarded him with messages telling him to kill himself. One of the days, we counted over 20 times where she told him to kill himself in one day , he did not respond to those he just ignored which I think made it worse as she spiralled and kept on and on till she got a response. Whatever people think of my son, and however critical they are of his behaviour, I do not believe anyone deserves to receive dozens of messages in the space of an hour telling them to take their own life simply because they rejected someone. That behaviour is deeply concerning, regardless of who it is directed at. Both teenagers made poor decisions, but I do not think it is fair to ignore everything he experienced simply because he is a boy.

No he was getting the messages and her asking to just mess around before they’d even had sex the first time then he decided to have sex with her one time as he thought that would stop her and it just made it all worse. The messages went back months of her constantly contacting him.

Ok so he's super good looking and attracts girls.
The 'stalking' girl started with him choosing to sleep with her, though, didn't it? Iirc, you first said that she'd said it would just be messing around before they slept together at the start - now it's before the later 'one more time'? Have I got this right or wrong?
If it wasn't made clear to her at the very start - that's where the upset and problem lies, no matter how much he's 'entitled to change his mind'. It sounds like he should try for a period of celibacy.

I don’t know why he offered her money. I think he’d just had enough and thought that would work. It did not she said ‘I just want to see you’ he did not come to us when this was all going on so we were not aware. That’s our fault for not knowing our son, he’d ‘forget’ his phone at home when he’d go to see friends at their houses etc to avoid the no caller Id once her blocked her she did leave a few voicemails telling him to kill himself, crying etc he never listened to then but DH and I did and spoke to her parents once we became aware of everything. It was a whole thing that we had to deal with. Yet he did not learn his lesson, since he continues to bring girls home when we aren’t at home which is why I have taken time off work to be at home.

Not responding but they won't stop contacting? Tell him to block them.
I well remember there being a 'thing' about boys from the local posh school, and being obsessed myself and bagging a bf and a school scarf 😅 but I've honestly never heard of anything like this, he sounds like a pop star or something!

Where's the laugh emoji reaction?

I think there’s an mis understanding.

She asked to mess around the very first time he kept saying no
She kept messaging him asking etc he kept saying no just leave him alone
He gave in and slept with her once, then she decided to constantly call, message, contact his friends to tell him etc masking to see him again one more time
He said no and that’s when she started threatening him etc telling him to kill himself, she hates him etc, calling over 50+ times, then he blocked her.

We were not aware of any of those going on for a while DH and I were completely clueless about this girl and what was going on between them. His friends did have messages from her even saying to them to tell my son to kill himself she hates him, at that time my son just thought it was funny and just told his friends to send her laughing emojis (they’re immature) I do not think they fully understood what was going on. My son said to her it’s affecting him all the calls etc she kept saying she just wants to see him she misses him etc. It was all chaotic, I was more distraught and angry at my son for not telling us but why would he, he resents me for taking her side when we were made aware of everything just to come and see all the harassment that he was dealing with.