AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Honestly, your son doesn't sound like a bad kid to me and you also sound like you are doing your best. I think it was unfortunate that you said in an earlier post he had assaulted someone, rather than being accused falsely, and that probably has led to a lot of these replies. Teenagers are difficult and he obviously needs help navigating things, but I am sure you and he will get there.

It's not really illegal in practice, was reading up on it last night because of this thread. They turn a blind eye unless a complaint is brought or whatever. It's totally down to how much freedom they - young teenagers - have/are given to do whatever they're doing.

@BrightPearlEagle

OP, apologies if you have answered this, but would it be possible to find a place in a boarding school from this autumn?

I wanted to suggest Millfield, but don't know whether they can take applications outside of the normal admission pattern.

https://www.millfieldschool.com/admissions/admissions-ages-13-18

Millfield is a great school and the hockey team there is very good, DS has played them lots. Sadly it is a coed school. My son would cause chaos there too and we are trying to avoid him being near girls for a bit, not sure how well that will go but worth a try.
He is causing chaos and he’s in a single sex school albeit the all girls school has connections with his school as they’re in the same area so I imagine in a coed school it’ll be even worse.

I want to get him into counselling on his own. I think there’s some underlying issues based on the messages DH and I have seen and how much he has begged for girls to leave him alone and my conclusion is he has just given in but I’m not sure if he will open up with a therapist but worth a try.

I think teenage boys are generally unaware and uncaring that teenage girls can be deeply affected by being used as a wild oat receptacle, and then discarded. I don't think it generally works the same the other way round. I don't think there can be a complete 'swap' comparison, because there generally IS a big difference between the two, feelings, attitudes, expectations. 'Oh I love him, we're sleeping together, that means he loves me too!'. Yes, I was that teenage girl, meeting that handsome, preppy, privileged, testosterone filled boys. I know how it can feel. So I think the ideal is for 'emotional' education in this area. Not sure if that's ever been done properly in schools?! But yeah, everything's gone nuts in society and 'education' now anyway .. 😳

Hmmmm

I do agree that, at 15, they are both emotionally immature and still learning how to navigate situations like this.

We spoke to our son about it in detail, and his response was, "What am I supposed to do? She's the one who won't leave me alone. Check my phone. I've never once told her I like her." He kept saying that the messages would show he had repeatedly asked her to stop contacting him. He had told her to leave him alone, said he did not want a relationship, and even suggested she should find someone else because he was not interested.

From what we have seen, he was trying to be clear, but she continued to contact him. She told him she would get him into trouble and repeatedly sent messages telling him to kill himself. As disappointed as I am with many aspects of my son's behaviour, I do not believe anyone deserves to receive repeated messages encouraging them to take their own life. What struck me most was that he never replied in kind. He did not retaliate or send abusive messages back. In fact, the less he responded, the more messages like that seemed to come.

I cannot help but think that if the roles were reversed, and a boy had repeatedly pursued a girl after she had said no, refused to accept her rejection, and then sent messages telling her to kill herself when she would not respond, people would rightly see that as deeply concerning. That does not excuse my son's later behaviour, but I do think both sides of the situation deserve to be acknowledged. The reverse does exist, watched a recent doc exactly about this same thing, the woman did not want anything to do with the man and kept harassing him to the point she committed suicide.

One thing this has made me reflect on is why he never came to either DH or me for help. Reading some of the responses here, I wonder whether part of the reason is that, because he is a boy, he did not think anyone would take his feelings seriously. Instead, he tried to deal with it on his own, and unfortunately made some very poor decisions in the process. That does not remove his responsibility for those decisions, but it does help explain why he felt so isolated.

But you talk of him bringing a different girl to your home every day for the past week??
Why are you sitting back watching this happen? It’s getting a little unbelievable at this point.

A different girl in the house… sorry what? In YOUR house??

@BrightPearlEagle

Is Bedford (boarding) a possibility, OP?

https://www.bedfordschool.org.uk/admissions/scholarships/sport-scholarships/

I do not work from home everyday and cannot be at home every single hour of every single day. This is why I have recently taken time off work to be home and will resume work and start working from.

He is 15 I cannot watch him every single of every single day. The school sometimes does stuff with the girls school I cannot possibly stop him from ever making contact when girl. We’re trying to get to the bottom of it when I have caught him with a girl in the house I have always sent them home/dropped them home.

@BrightPearlEagle perhaps dye his hair ginger?

Thank you. I have had a brief look that has not been in any of our option lists but I will certainly have a look and maybe enquire just for some advice.

It would be great if he could get a place at a school for Sept but it’s complicated due to him sitting the rest of his GCSEs next year.

Aluna · Today 09:42

How interesting about that teen girl culture.

Also, what wise advice about what might have happened and the context, as well advice about what serious trouble can come from the whole culture.

He knows he can get away with everything because that's what has been happening, so needs to discover there are actually consequences:

Boarding school or local state school and/or grandparents.

Don't take him on holiday with you.

This jumped out at me too. It's your home, surely you can literally ban this?

I do feel bad for you in a way because it must be hard, but you don't do yourself any favours. It seems like you make a lot of excuses for him. It's like while I agree that if roles were reversed regarding the messages of him being harassed, then yes, people would likely be more sympathetic. At the same time though, if this girl was constantly bragging about how many boys she gets and how she doesn't need to watch prn because she can get whatever boys she wants and also behaved like your son, I don't think people would be as *sympathetic as you think.

I definitely agree with cancelling the US trip. I know you said you don't think it would do any good but surely what it would do is punish him so he is missing out. I find it difficult to believe a teenager isn't bothered about their phone being taken away and they have no access to electronics for a while. My 3 year old has a meltdown when I take her iPad away but it definitely works as a punishment. I don't get why him having citizenship in the US stops you from cancelling the trip. Surely you paid for it and as he's a child would have to give your permission for the school/team to take him? Where you go wrong is you say "I want to, but..." stop with the buts! Just do it! What real punishment has he had? Sounds like he's been living a dream life if you ask me.

I’ve got 2 boys it’s completely normal that he didn’t come to you. It’s not something you would talk to your parents about.

My thinking was that applying for a scholarship for the 6th form would galvanise him, OP.

I know he would be at his current school for this coming academic year, but he would be putting together his application between now and the end of November then preparing for interview in the New Year.

It might be just what he needs.

There's an Open Morning in October.

https://www.bedfordschool.org.uk/admissions/visits-open-mornings/

Were all the messages about him trying to say he didn’t like her, after the sex? If so, what was said before? (Sorry to be unsure as perhaps you have already explained.

If it was only afterwards, perhaps, old fashioned as it is, try to suggest an approach where sex is with a person and so it is much better when there is mutual care, liking, and respect.

Regardless of whether the allegation of assault is true or not (and you can't say for sure he didn;t do it just because she retracted her statement), his attitude towards women is deeply concerning - and is a whole other level apart from the usual teenage stuff. I don't have any advice I am afraid, but i would be focusing on that, where it came from and how to fix it

He did not get his first phone until his 15th birthday, so he has not really grown up with constant access to technology. Some of his friends still do not have a phone and are managing fine. Before that, he simply did not have one, which is why I do not think he is particularly attached to electronics.

He has never owned an Xbox or a PlayStation, and he does not spend his time playing video games. He may occasionally play them when he is at a friend's house, but he has never asked us to buy him a console or shown much interest in having one. His interests have always been much more focused on sports and being outdoors than on screens.

Regarding the trip, I did not pay for it myself. It has been funded by his team, including the travel, accommodation and meals. The only money we have provided is for incidental spending while he is away. The club raises a significant amount of money through fundraising and sponsorship, which allows them to organise these tours for the players.

I have accepted that we may have not patented him well but we are trying. Just because I think he too was also a victim in that situation doesn’t mean I do not care to parent him. I am trying my best I came here to rant not everything is verbatim, when it’s been verbatim I have specified.

There were messages of him saying he’s not interested and doesn’t want a gf before they’d even had sex. She was the one who said to him after he said he is not interested ‘we can just mess about’ and he did say no to not ‘messing about’ lots of times. It’s not as black and white as just sex I’m not sure what he was thinking.

He told us he only had sex with her because the thought she’d finally stop but that exacerbated the issue and poor decision making skills from him. We’ve tried to get as much of it out of him as possible but the messages do track the dates, she was always trying and begging him to sleep with her for whatever reason even after he said no and told her to find someone else.

Agree :)

Considering the way he goes through girls, his love for testing boundaries is highly worrying.