AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

This. I also speak from similar experience. It’s a stage, learn to navigate it and he’ll come through the other side. Some teenagers get absolutely obsessed with the other sex, some don’t. Let some of it go, show him you trust him.

What?

He raped a girl. His parents have then spun the narrative to be that the girl was some crazy obsessed stalker and he’s the innocent party in this situation

He needs pulling from that school. Even if another private school. I personally agree he needs bringing down back to earth. He's been left to run amok and long term this will cause issues regardless of how clever, charismatic or good-looking he is. Please do not let him go on the hockey tour. He needs real consequences. Petty as it may sound i also wouldn't let him play hockey in the week unless he attends counselling. So many things wrong with this behaviour.

OP I’ve tried to read all your posts and apologise if you’ve already covered this but I would say some children are not great at responding to strict rules. They find a way around them. With my son for instance when I took away his phone he’d just take away mine until I gave his back. And when he was little and I tried time out he just didn’t care and walked off.

I realised that we had to explain why we had rules. We had to agree the rules together. He had to understand rather than feel they were just arbitrarily set to ruin his life. I almost had to explain empathy to him. Have you for instance explained to him why the girl would’ve been upset? Why girls tend to believe that they are in a relationship when really it’s just a hook up. Why it’s not fair or kind to take advantage of that.

Have you explained to him about misogyny? Does he understand what women go through when they are sexually assaulted and how they are often not believed which is why you took the situation so seriously? Does he realise you’re a woman too and when he’s behaving misogynistically it feels personal to you.

At some point (don’t do at the same time as it may feel too much like an intervention) get your husband to explain about having to respect girls. About waiting until he finds someone he really likes and wants to go out with before sleeping with them.

While you’re right to take it all seriously it and take steps to do something about it, it most likely is a horrible phase. I’m not saying be wishy washy, you can take it seriously of course but I do think some young people respond more to collaborative approaches than to punishments.

Jesus Christ, I hope you never get jury duty.

@BrightPearlEagleif you haven't already left the thread, please bear in mind there has been some wonderful positive and considerate advice here. Disregard those that are judging you or making massive presumptions about your son. AIBU is known for a lot of posters who are keyboard warriors and try to stir up shit. There are also some very narrow minded people that will always accuse men of being dangerous or manipulative regardless of context. As AIBU goes you've gotten away light enough as it can be brutal. Please try to focus on the good. There are many posters who have shown maturity and empathy and many who have been through this type of situation and are genuinely wishing you and your DS the best of luck.

No, that is not what has been related.

You’ve created a monster OP…and now you have to rein him in, before something really dreadful happens!

You sound very passive in your parenting. Find your fight…and fight for your son!! Do not let him continue down this path that you’ve set him on…that way leads to certain chaos (including a high probability of jail time!)

Stop being so weak in your approach to this…therapy isn’t going to help, you know what the issues are! Deal with them.

A couple of things -

Posters seem not to have come across the whole teen girl “shipping” culture applied to groups of local boys - generally the “jocks”.

I have seen groups of girls from surrounding schools fixate on certain boys, some of whom were friends of my sons. One girls’ school in particular was bad for this + a ‘mean girl’ culture - I specifically chose not to send my DD there as didn’t feel they had it under control.

It was like certain boys were seen as One Direction or famous footballers. The girls obsessed over them on social media, sent relentless messages, wrote fanfic, threw themselves at them, dressed up like Katseye trying to get their attention. It was like Euphoria meets Beatlemania.

And the problem with that is young girls chased some boys as they aspired to their approval/attention and wanted the kudos of having pulled x or y - but they don’t necessarily know what they’re getting themselves into sexually. And crushes can all too easily be taken advantage of.

I don’t think the sexual assault allegation here is as clearcut as people think. I don’t think it’s necessarily either he assaulted her or she’s obsessed with him and made the whole thing up. Both could be true - that she’s obsessed and he’s not that into her yet he did something sexually she wasn’t ready for or didn’t entirely consent to - and she withdrew the allegations to shut the whole thing down.

Either way - trouble like this follows boys like this around. That could happen or worse if he doesn’t get a major talking to.

I DRUMMED into my sons the importance of consent, respect and keeping themselves out of murky situations for both girls’ sakes and their own.

I have 4 teens (2 girls 2 boys ) and I havent come across this, although we certainly arent at a posh school. What particularly stands out is that the OP claims ALL the girls are after him. I feel like this is very telling about the attitude she has towards him, hes a bit of a golden boy. I can guarantee ALL the girls wont like him because for one some will be attracted to girls. Some of the other girls would not be attracted to his personality no matter how good looking he is, my girls certainly dont rate showoffs and arrogance.

Apart from that, Well done to you for instilling good values into your kids around consent and respect. I am trying hard to do the same.

Is anybody getting flashbacks to the school’s popular kid whose world falls apart in “A Casual Vacancy”?

I think he's been influenced by peers or male relatives, not the 'incel' shite.

Lucky you, round my way there are Garrett Grahams and Nate Jacobs in every bloody school. And I don’t think this is new - I remember all the cool boys from when I was 15. I didn’t take them seriously but plenty of girls did.

OP probably doesn’t mean literally “all” - some will be more interested in physics. But teens are tribal and tend to crush in groups. He’s probably currently having a moment.

He'll meet all the confident jock dicks and be reinforced.

Ten pages of responses to something that's clearly made up. The nonsense about a (different) school (who in the school? head? DSL? dinner lady? OP just says "the school") contacting the OP (how did they get her details?) to complain that he's causing the girls problems because "all the girls fancy him" (what kind of education professional would use such informal language? and what is the OP meant to do about him being so fanciable? throw acid in his face? castrate him? buy blindfolds for all the girls?)

@BrightPearlEagle I’d like to walk away as you say you have because this thread feels a lot like giving more attention to the golden boy… but on the off chance you are still reading…
I’ve already posted early on a list of practical steps you could take to regain control in a loving and boundaried way. I won’t repeat these.

What I will add is that the accusation of rape, withdrawal of the accusation and the consequent emotional upset for the family is a direct result of your son’s behaviour and in that sense it is his fault. Unless and until he learns to use his obviously capable brain to think rather than follow his dick, he will leave himself open to accusations even if he has done nothing wrong. He is old enough to learn that.

Also whilst sending him away and refusing to believe him wasn’t necessarily fair, it came from fear - understandable and justifiable - because you knew this could happen. Recognise that. You believed it because you can see his behaviour is predatory and misogynistic. This tells me more than anything else that you need to lean in to parenting not lean back - he urgently needs help. So in your shoes (and given your obvious financial resources) I would take a sabbatical for 12 months and be at home and fully present for all my children to reset boundaries and find a way to transform his behaviour for the good of the whole family.

People are making a lot of assumptions, so I want to clarify a few things.

When the allegation was first made, I did not automatically believe my son. If a girl comes forward and says something serious has happened, I think it is important to take that seriously. As a parent, I felt I had a duty to listen and not dismiss what she was saying. It was only after we went through months of messages that we began to understand the full picture.

The messages showed that she had been contacting him repeatedly over a long period of time. He consistently told her that he was not interested, that he did not want a girlfriend and that he did not want to talk. She replied saying they could "just mess about", but he still told her to find someone else. He repeatedly asked her to leave him alone and stop contacting him. He even apologised to her, saying he was not trying to hurt her feelings but simply did not want a relationship. At one point he even said, "I don't think messing around will change this."
She continued to message him, call him, contact his friends and ask them to tell him to respond. His friends' replies were essentially to tell her to leave him alone because he had already made his feelings clear.

I am not saying my son is innocent. He is not, and I have never claimed that he is. However, I also do not think the situation is as black and white as some people are suggesting. He repeatedly said no, asked for his decision to be respected and tried to distance himself. He stopped taking his phone out with him because of the constant messages and calls, never answered her repeated phone calls and even asked her to "please respect my choice." At one point, he became so desperate that he even offered to pay her to leave him alone.

Looking back, I think the constant pressure got to him. He is only 15 years old and simply did not know how to deal with a situation like this. After everything came to light, he admitted that he thought if they had sex she would finally leave him alone. Obviously that was a terrible decision, and instead it made everything much worse. I am not defending that decision or saying it was right. I am simply explaining what he told us and how he says he was thinking at the time.

There also seems to be a pattern at school where girls become very interested in him. I honestly do not know why, and I cannot control the behaviour of other 15 year olds. Adolescence is a difficult time for everyone, and I appreciate that these girls are navigating their own emotions too.

I do not want my son developing misogynistic attitudes, and we are addressing that very seriously. At the same time, I do not believe he should feel obliged to enter a relationship simply because someone else wants one. He has experienced several situations where girls have continued pursuing him despite him saying he is not interested. I am sure the attention boosts his ego to some extent, but the messages we have seen consistently show him saying he does not want anything serious and asking to be left alone.

As parents, I genuinely do not know what more we can do about that aspect of the situation. We can take his phone away, but girls still attend his hockey matches. They can still contact his friends and ask them to pass messages on. We cannot tell other parents to confiscate their children's phones simply because they are trying to contact our son.

We are doing everything we can think of, but I honestly feel at a loss. We are trying to address his behaviour while also recognising that this situation involved far more complexity than simply one person being entirely at fault. I do think if a 15 yr old is prepared to give you money so you leave them alone and not contact them ever again, there’s an issue than and he’s clearly very upset and distraught.

One thing that has been difficult is that there are months of messages showing a very different picture from the one people seem to be imagining.

There were periods where she messaged him every single day, sometimes from Monday through to Sunday, sending multiple messages each day while he simply did not reply. Eventually, he blocked her because it had become too much. In the messages, he tells her that the constant contact is starting to affect him, that it is not okay, and repeatedly asks her to leave him alone. She continued to message him saying things like, "Just call me," "Let me come round," and "I miss you." He consistently tried to distance himself.

When he finally made it absolutely clear that he did not want a relationship and did not want any further contact with her, she was understandably upset. It was after that rejection that she made the allegations. I appreciate that everyone will have their own interpretation of events, but I do think people are entitled to say no. They are entitled to change their mind, withdraw consent to a relationship, or decide they simply do not want any further contact. From everything we have read, he seemed completely overwhelmed by the situation.

We have spoken to him about the fact that he cannot go through life relying on his looks or confidence and that he needs to learn how to manage situations and communicate more maturely. At the same time, we cannot physically stop other teenagers from contacting him if they choose to do so.

This is not the first time he has struggled with this sort of attention. When he was 13, he attended a hockey summer camp. Several girls there would not leave him alone, and one in particular followed him everywhere. He became so overwhelmed that he broke down crying to one of the camp volunteers and asked to come home. He told them he just wanted to play hockey with the boys and enjoy the camp, but he felt he could not escape the constant attention.

Before we collected him, the staff at the camp had already spoken to the girls involved and asked them to stop because they could see how distressed he had become. When we picked him up, he told us he felt uncomfortable and simply did not want to be around them anymore. The camp leaders also explained to us that he had been genuinely upset over several days.
What makes this harder for me is that this all happened before the misogynistic attitudes and poor behaviour that we are now dealing with. At that stage, he was simply an overwhelmed 13 year old who did not know how to handle unwanted attention.

The following year (last year) when he went on a hockey tour of America with a group made up entirely of boys, he absolutely thrived. He had one of the best experiences of his life as he describes it. We received excellent feedback from the staff, who spoke very highly of his attitude, behaviour and commitment throughout the trip.

None of this excuses the choices he has made since. We are addressing those seriously. I only mention these experiences because they show that this is not a completely new issue for him. He has struggled with unwanted attention from a young age and I do think that has shaped some of the unhealthy ways he now responds to it. That does not make his behaviour acceptable but I do think it provides important context.

Yeah they do. We did, that age (for me) and I knew of younger goings on. Not ideal but life. I'm talking about the 80s, I dread to think what things are like now. But being a 'supershagger' at 15, and having upset one young girl (yes, in general they're different and affected differently than boys the same age) and god knows how many more - those are the issues. He needs to reign it in a bit or be somehow made to.

Trying our best, we did take his phone for a while and even then when he had no access to it, we could see all the messages, some of the girls are outright saying ‘they do not mind they can just mess around’ multiple messages constantly and he is not even resplendent yet they’re still contacting him They are playing a part in this as much as he is. It’s not black and white.

I am not sure what to do about that I have had it and very very lost on how to even handle this. I’m not exactly happy that my son is having sex but he is aware of protection and has insisted he has always used protection. As much as he isn’t great at the minute he’s also not silly I don’t think he wants to be a father and I think these girls are smart enough to know to use protection.

It sounds like he could be doing with some counselling to learn how to deal with unwanted attention as the update paints a better picture of a struggling teen.

He might have just got into a mindset of if you can't beat them, join them. And it's gotten out of hand.

Did you talk to him about how he was feeling after the camp at 13?

I really feel for you/your son re the allegations. As a parent of a teenage boy, it is a constant worry(I read too much!) that they could be falsely accused. I think it would have been better not to mention here. Your original post suggested there was some substance to the allegations. However, your subsequent explanations show that they were clearly false.

i was thinking about your post last night. I think comments have ben unduly harsh. You are not a bad parent and not sure what else you could do. You have clearly given your children a very good life, care deeply whilst also both working FT to provide said life. I am sure it is just a phase that has unfortunately started very young for your son.

good luck with the summer and whatever you decide.

Also, teach him to block these girls and their friends. At least they won't be able to text or call him. Or set up his phone so only numbers in his contacts list can get through to him.

Yes you are. OP has no control over them, only over her son and his behaviour and attitudes. Hump and dump is not nice.

How are they getting his number to call him, actually? Or is it through things like Instagram and other messaging apps?

Change his number and lock down profiles on social media.