AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

But that was the point she was making. That a child could be a danger or triggering to a rape victim. I just don't agree.

You could easily imagine circumstances where those examples might require a woman to expect women’s toilets to be a safe space though surely? Or are you totally lacking in empathy and imagination?

My 10 year old son is disabled and needs assistance so if a disabled toilet isn't available, I take him to the ladies.

I think it's fine.

Is your 9+ year old coming into the cubicle with you when you take him into the ladies loos? Or does he go in his own cubicle?

If he actually needs you with him to help, and he shares a cubicle with you, then crack on, this seems a reasonable use of the ladies loos (an accessible space would be better though..). If he’d be absolutely horrified at you watching him pee, then he needs to go in a cubicle in the men’s - he clearly doesn’t need to be in a female space with you!

They don’t want to find boys they know of the same age in the loo. They will be really embarrassed. The boy going into the ladies will also be embarrassed when it goes round school that they went into the ladies loo wth their mummy.

This feed is actually crazy. I have kids of both sex and I can’t believe the views of some people. The safety of any child should be a priority. Waiting outside and running in if something happens is doing nothing, your child has already been assaulted. I’d rather prevent that happening in the first place

We are talking about 9 year old children. Not men. If I was washing a stain.off my clothes and a child walked in, it would make no difference to me if they are male or female.

6 is probably okay, but 9's definitely too old, and he should be using the Gents.

I’ve never been raped so I wouldn’t know. But seeing a young lad in a female safe space when he’s clearly a bit of a tween, not a small child any more, might be triggering. You don’t expect to see males in a female toilet and I even jolt when it has happened occasionally (cleaner or TW).

My son is 15, but has been going into the men's toilets since about 9. I used to stand close to the men's toilets, so I was in shouting distance, should he want me.

It does depend on the child though, and how confident he is going into the men's by himself.

It does sound quite a lot. I think for a young girl that would be a lot to take in as well.

these are young children and each parent will need to make a decision about what’s right for the location they’re in and other risks.

I don’t think I’d want to enter a toilet with any young child with a woman doing all that tbh. I’d move to another one.

If you'd rather wrap your son in cotton than teach him independence, you aren't helping him. He will have to use the mens eventually. It's crazy you think a boy should be able to enter the ladies and upset women and girls. Their safety and privacy matters too, you know! The disrespect for women and girls needs on this thread by some (thankfully the overwhelming majority seem to understand it is wrong to bring a 9 year old in to the ladies) is just crazy. Women and girls really are just collateral damage to some of you, boys rights matter more. For decades and decades it was the norm for mum to stand outside the mens, dad to stand outside the womens. It served us well then. And does now.

My comment was in reference to the 'you have cubicles!' comment.

Well as someone who has been I've never felt threatened or reminded of the incident by a child. Keeping children safe should be a priority.

What? None of the pools I’ve ever used have allowed people to swim when a school group has been in. It’s a huge safeguarding risk. You make out like you’re up on safeguarding, surely not!!

If there were a 9yo in a toilet I went to I would think it was inappropriate but I wouldn't say anything as after all, they are still clearly a child. However, your friend can expect more and more women to voice their discontent as she continues. After the trans issues there is also much more focus from many women on ensuring their boundaries are respected.
Personally I think at 9 he should be using the mens, or finding an alternative solution than imposing upon a women's space. I think a clear cutoff is when they can stand to wee (as mens toilets tend to be much dirtier than womens). Having said that my grandson is 6, soon 7, but very tall, taller than some 9yo, and although he does go into the ladies when with me, if grandad is around we are encouraging him to go with grandad to the gents as I am starting to think already he is borderline.

This is why queues are always so long for the ladies loos.

It would have been 15 years ago that my 6 year old DS was told he had to use the men's, the reason given was that he would make the more elderly ladies feel uncomfortable in the women's. And I understood that - he was tall and it was mostly open changing. Hence he used the men's and I waited outside, occasionally talking to him, and then told him not to get into the pool until I was also on the poolside! We got used to it fine. And at all my kids swimming lessons, most kids got changed in their own changing rooms from age 6 or 7. The occasional older boy really stood out in the women's and definitely made the girls uncomfortable, especially one boy where some of the girls knew him from school. Again, it was mostly open changing. This boy wasn't even changing - he was just in there so his mum could keep an eye on him. It really didn't seem fair on the girls.

If you have blood on your hands you just wash it off.

So what if a 9-year-old boy sees it?

It is accommodating a 9-year-old boy, not a man!

I have 2 boys ( now adults). I was a single parent. They came in the ladies with me until they were 8 and then it was the gents. Nine is too old to be in the ladies toilets. He is perfectly capable of peeing in a cubicle,flushing, washing hands and leaving. If he feels uncomfortable in there he can use wet wipes for his hands when he comes out.

In the men’s.

not really. He's too old.

I think it’s time he was in the gents

But no one needs privacy when they are washing their hands.

They have privacy when they are in the cubicle.

I don't like the idea of a man being in a women's toilet purely for safety reasons. If the man is with a little girl then he's not a danger.

You are just making things up. There is no increased risk in a male toilet. Research the stats. Your bs is dangerous.