AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Where is this rule? I've neither seen it or heard it!

What harm is a 9 year old boy going to do?!

I'd say it depends on the child.

Yes we do, as I already stated:

Women flee to the ladies to escape a man. We cry. Seek help. We miscarry there. We change out at the sinks to go clubbing. We wash blood-stained underwear at the sink, and baby sick off our blouses. We are in a semi state of dress. We don't want any males there. Not to mention the times we have a pram and/or trolley with us and have to leave the cubicle door open.

Women understand that is not merely just about the 'cubicles', and never has been. It's about the actual open sink space.

No, it is not about me. It's all about the little girl.

Why should little girl have to go into a men's toilet?

Yes, to be fair, I didn't think about rape or trauma victims and I don't know what the answer is there.

Really it depends on context. The type of child they are and what sort of environment you are in / time of day etc. If i didnt think it was safe for my child at 9 years old due to any of the above I would take them with me and could not really care that much about who gets upset with a 9 year old boy being in there. Bit silly of them to get upset about that.

Mine usually have over the age of 9, but we were at Wembley this weekend and it was heaving so I did make him use the ladies as I could then keep an eye on him (he’s 12 was not impressed), but I felt it was the right thing to do there.
As a parent we need to do what we feel is right in the circumstances.

I’m sorry that happened to you, but I still think there has to be a cut off for male children and I think 8 feels about right.

And I speak as someone with a son. Who would stand and shout ‘are you ok?’ outside men’s toilets and changing rooms when he was 9. I’m not unsympathetic to the plight of boys, I just still feel that women’s privacy and dignity is paramount.

Very happy to keep my son safe thanks

Well just be aware you may be shouted at in front of your son, and even management called, and you will have to deal with that.

There is no way on God's earth I would have let my 9 year old son into the gents on his own.

I think we can safely say we can manage that 😂

Where is this rule though it’s not a law or anything ia it. Never seen this in real life just a Mumsnet “this is the done thing” thing

I agree but I think that puberty should be the absolute cut off. I would happily let my son use the men's toilet alone from 6 or 7 in most cases. But if we went somewhere that I felt unsure of and the toilets were quiet i would rather prioritise his safety.

I think we are getting to the heart of why there is so much rising misogyny in classrooms. Even mothers modelling to their sons that women’s boundaries don’t matter… so depressing.

My friends son was approached by a stranger in a toilet - he was older than 9 - just not very tall -,his dad was there and could have gone with him but didn’t thinking it was fine - it wasn’t .

Normally posted on changing room doors and toilet doors in sports venues.

As I said normally after a few complaints have been had about boys staring and loitering around by the sinks while mums in the toilet.

This.

Yup all the little princes taught from an early age they are more important than girls.

I would say depends what the toilets are like. Where the men's toilets have a normal single door that you can stand right outside of, I'd let him use the men's. If it's a wide entrance with no door and people coming and going in crowds, absolutely take him in with you.

So it's dangerous for adult women to share toilets with men but small boys are fair game? OK.

My friend's 7 year old went in the men's on his own and a man who was using the urinal waved his penis at him and said something so disgusting I won't write it on here. Police involved but they never found him. Completely understand why you wouldn't want to send a child into the men's on their own. I'm sure this is a rare occurrence, though it's interesting to me that women don't want to be on their own in a bathroom with men (quite rightly) but it's ok for children to be. Not sure what the answer is.

Cross posted

We are not talking about ‘small boys’ though.

Would you want your dd to use the men's with potential weirdos in there with their penis out? After asking dh if men are discrete and the answer being no I take ds with me ..I have been using the women's toilets for over 50 years and never seen anyone with menstrual blood on their hands. Or had anyone say anything negative..I have 8 x ds's and always taken them in until they were probably secondary school age.

Actually, I think girls can go in the ladies on their own younger than I'd expect a boy to go in the men's. DD is 6 and she goes in by herself now in most places. I wouldn't want her to go alone into the men's if she was a boy yet. 9 is definitely old enough though.

Similar to what happened to our friends son. A man put his penis through a hole inbetween the cubicles. Police were involved but he wasn't found.