AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Doesn’t exist as it’s unenforceable - anyone who challenges a woman for taking a little boy accompanied into the ladies, needs urgent psychiatric evaluation.

Yes I know.

There are an alarming number of posters however who are extremely misinformed and appear to think if something is repeated often enough on social media it becomes fact.

Yes we need individual unisex toilets accessible from a public place (corridor, pavement) but funnily enough MN posters don't seem to like them.

Because the poster was saying they were going to call the police for something non-criminal. It's bonkers and a waste of police time.

A toilet in a shopping centre is open to the public, but is not publicly owned. The owners have decided it is only for a certain demographic and so i guess technically a male is trespassing by being in there

Why put it on disabled people? Many here are suggesting to use the disabled toilet instead but surely that should be reserved for disabled people. If a disabled person needs the toilet but it's in use by a Mum and her son, that's not fair on the disabled person. Just grow up and realise that a little boy using a ladies toilet with his mum is not a big deal.

9 is not a little boy. 9 is is within the normal range for male puberty.

Oh the hypocrisy!

Its a design and society problem.
I mean really how much privacy do people need washing their hands?

Even if you do get a bit of blood on them surely most women would wipe with toilet paper before stepping outside the cubicle.

Would you explain to your daughter that the boy forfeits his right to safety age 9? Presumably you would say the same is true for your daughter, who would also need to fend for herself aged 9?

Your friend knows her child best and if she feels he should be with her in the ladies then that’s where he should be. I have absolutely no problem with mothers taking their sons into the ladies toilets as long as they are behaving appropriately. I’d be more annoyed at the other lady trying to publicly shame your friend.

I am pleased to see more public places providing individual toilet cubicles with sinks that anyone can use so we can all have facilities in which we feel safe.

Its not really its closer to 11 or 12 for boys. Girls are younger hence they tend to have a spell of being much taller than the boys in their year group.

Yep, and then it's fine.

But our pool is an open ladies changing with only a couple cubicles so pretty impossible to get one, same in men's and family is just an open changing area - during week it's used for school groups changing I think.

So when boys of 10+ come get changed in ladies it's really uncomfortable. Once one of my daughters male classmates (year 5) walked in on her changing and he went back and told the class how he had seen her 'boobies' and 'big belly'. She was absolutely mortified, and now will only change in the disabled toilets for fear of this hapenning again, and will only wear a shorts and t shirt combo to pool and is generally covering up much more than used to. She was body shamed and her privacy invaded in the name of 'protecting boys'.

And I know she shouldn't be using the disabled toilet, but it's the only place she feels safe and comfortable

If they are available, absolutely use the disabled toilets. The issue is that they are often in use, out of order etc and it's rare for places to have more than one so I end up taking my disabled 10 year old son to the ladies if the disabled toilets aren't available.

It isn't always as simple as ''just use the disabled toilets''.

I’ve never seen that quoted anywhere and no law will be changing my mind on this.

Yes, I think people really do like to stretch definitions to try to justify their own beliefs. My DN is 9 and he'd be horrified if anybody referred to him now as a 'little boy'. I've even heard people refer to women in their early 20s as 'young girls' before - although, oddly enough, never men of the same age as 'young boys'.

How is a child supposed to actually grow, develop and eventually learn to be independent if he's told "You're a big boy now, so you use the boys' toilets all on your own now you're at school" and then, several years later, "You need to come into the ladies' toilets with mummy"?

What is he actually to think? On a personal level, he will get confused about something that really should be straightforward; and he will also learn that you just pick whichever toilet you prefer each time - according to YOUR preference and nobody else gets a say or is allowed to object. As he reaches puberty and is starting to be curious about female bodies and have sexual thoughts, he knows that he was fine to use the women's toilets when he was a couple of years younger, so what's really stopping him now?

And I know that we're talking about toilets here - where most users will generally be behind locked cubicles when anything intimate is on show, so it's 'only' their single-sex privacy and dignity at stake and not a particular risk of being sexually objectified and having your intimate parts seen...

However, if you make these socially-accepted 'rules' that older school-age boys can freely use women's toilets, it's only a logical sidestep to changing rooms as well. After all, if men minding their own business using a urinal, with only their clothed backs visible, are assumed to be a threat to boys, how can you not extrapolate the same to a changing room, where men will quite legitimately be visible partially or fully naked, in the showers etc.?

Such a blurry lack of boundaries is not good for the boys themselves, it's not good for women and girls, and it's not good for society in general.

He needs to start using the men’s.

I’d not want my 9 year old to go with her dad in the men’s and I would feel uncomfortable with a boy that age in the ladies.
He’s 9 and probably walks home from school on his own like my daughter so can take himself off for a wee.

I need to understand this and what you mean and why it matters.
my son is 10. I know a lot of his little friends - half of them were in their pants in my paddling pool last week.
a 9 year old boy might be getting a bit whiffy under the arms. As for a functional penis, we are waaaaayyyy off. No hair, boys get little stiffys from birth so no change there, and he’s going absolutely nowhere with that thing. In year 5 (9 and 10 year olds) they’re taught about sperm and eggs, proper names for all the bits. So he may have had a look through the introductory chapter of the owners manual, but he’s years off owning a functional piece of equipment.

Yeah. You’ve not got a son yourself have you. This is a load of absolute hogwash.

Cubicles are much more important to me than single sex.

Yes, I do have a son myself - but he is considerably older than 9 now, hence I referred to my nephew, who is currently that age.

Well the owners can deal with it, not some busybody who decides to start shouting at a mother in front of her children.

I haven’t read through this thread but in my my opinion it boils down to this.
Women and girls should be able to have a space separate from men and boys… In the age group this thread is on about a 9 year old girl wouldn’t want a 9 year old boy in a changing room with her and that is perfectly reasonable BUT..
A 9 year old boy is no safer in a men’s changing room alone then a 9 year old girl.
When my son was little (20+ years ago) a boy was sent into a Mens McDonald’s toilet alone and was raped. It is criminal that in 2026 that changing rooms/public toilets facilities have not had to provide a safe space for children to do their business. The issue isn’t single mums wanting to take their sons swimming without having to worry about shit like this the issue is that they can’t take their sons swimming without breaking the age 8 and above rule or crossing their fingers and hoping there isn’t a pedophile in the men’s changing room. Absolutely absurd.

It's completely fine for women to speak up in defence of single sex spaces. No one needs to be shouting but challenging unwanted incursions is absolutely allowed. It'd be good to see more of it in fact.