AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

But it's not just the needs of an older child - even a teenager - at play here. Why does the fear of a woman about letting her DS use the male toilets when he's plenty old enough take precedence over the comfort and dignity of the other women and girls in there?

How can she even have any idea of what actual risk there may be of letting him use the appropriate toilets without either being accustomed to using men's toilets or going in there herself first to assess the situation?

But a 9 year old girl doesn’t need to go into the men’s toilets.

She has the lady’s unless it’s over run with boys I guess.

Every gym I have attended insists that boys are only allowed n the female changing area until the age of 8, after which they must go in the mens or can use family changing rooms where they’re available. This is the local authority line for the leisure centres where I live, too.

Puberty for boys begins between 9-14, so it is as unfair on a boy of 9 to place him in a mixed sex changing room when his body and hormones are beginning to change as it is to expect women and young girls to accept him into their space.

The law requires that schools provide separate singe-sexed facilities for children from the age of 8 for precisely this reason. Your friend was, I’m afraid, unreasonable and needs to plan how to manage his changing going forward.

I think that having boys in girls private spaces impacts girls. They are entitled to reasonable privacy to do things like get changed and use the toilet.

I think that if parents don't want their older boys to use the men's facilities then the solution is for them to come up with a plan (like finding the closest family or solo toilet) rather than assuming they are entitled to use single gender spaces as the wrong gender.

You’d think most boys after 8/9 would be uncomfortable going into the lady’s toilets / changing rooms anyway. Odd not to be. They know they are not supposed to be in there.

I never used to worry about my DS going in the men’s when he was a kid of 9. Nowadays I think I’d have more reservations given the amount of stuff we see in the news about dodgy men (and I’m firmly in the “men stay out of women’s loos” camp)

Take him in the men's.

I think her issue was with a 'young man'. Well, he's not a young man is he? Absolutely appropriate to take him into the ladies.

I think this too! My dds went into the men's with their df when they were tiny, but they stopped long before 9! I think from about 6 they would have considered that highly embarrassing. Surely boys feel the same?

Maybe he could just go in a bush?

Huh?

but who’s decided he’s plenty old enough? You? You don’t know him.

children of both sexes should be protected. Their comfort and dignity should be equal. Why does a girls trump a boys comfort?

these are children who develop and grow in confidence at different rates.

how is a child in a toilet disrupting the comfort of another child or grown woman.

totally understand concerns with older kids and adult men.

I will ask this again as nobody seems to answer: those who don’t want an 8/9 year old boy and his mum near and around your toilet cubicle - do you avoid unisex toilets?

You’ll start a whole other outrage with that one 😂😂😂

Agreed. Very strange.

So we're in town, DS announces he needs the loo. Home is 30 minutes away and no he can't wait that long.

How long do you think he can hold it ehilst I petition for the construction of a new toilet block in our poor town?

Ok, wtf, why on earth would a girl even be going into a men's toilet alone? That makes no sense. She'd be going into the women's toilet alone.

Boys, even small ones are males. Hence why they would go into a....men's toilet.

Yes, men are a risk for both sexes, but you don't mitigate by taking a boy into the ladies. That is not a solution.

Do you think that might be something to do with mother's using their commonsense and not letting vulnerable children go somewhere that could be dangerous.

Honestly I tend to avoid most public toilets unless desperate.

If I had the choice of the ladies 10 minutes away or shared 5 minutes away I’d probably walk the 10minutes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

A nine year old boy alone in the men’s loos is very vulnerable.

I agree. Both boys and girls should be entitled to the privacy and dignity of single sex toilets.

I don't believe we have any issues with girls invading boy's private spaces, but if we did, I'd feel exactly the same about it.

If there has to be a definitive age I'd say 8 because that's the rules I've seen in changing rooms. I wouldn't personally be bothered.

While risks are tiny in both cases, I imagine the risk of something happening to a 9 year old alone in a men's toilet is greater than the risk they pose (especially while accompanied) in a women's.

The only thing I would concede is that perhaps the risk of a young girl of a similar age feeling uncomfortable (even though there's not much of an actual risk of harm) is greater than both of the above.

Some kids do what they are told.

OP didn’t post about changing or gyms. Unless I’ve completely missed the point.

think we’re talking about toilets. So no nakedness or showing of bodies needed.

I have an 8yr old and I will be taking him into the ladies with me until he is ready to go into the men’s alone. He is anxious and men’s toilet are often foul.

I will ask this again as nobody seems to answer: those who don’t want an 8/9 year old boy and his mum near and around your toilet cubicle - do you avoid unisex toilets?

Many of us do, yes. Because we don't feel safe. Evidence shows a spike in assaults in unisex facilities. Most women I know avoid them.

Should a 9 year old DD go into the men’s with her dad?