AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Come on seriously what 9 year old child is anywhere near adult sized.
And how would a 9 year old boy pose a threat to anyone when he's with his Mum.

I could see how a group of unaccompanied 9 year olds could be intimidating but really a 9 year old with mum is not a threat.

Some Mums are more likely to be a threat than the child

I’ve heard horrific stories of boys being raped in men’s toilets so no, I wouldn’t think twice about a mum wanting to keep her 9 yo son safe.

A previous poster posted a press report of the rape of a 14 year old boy in the men's toilets. Do you think all boys under 15 should use the womens too?

No because a 14 year old can generally defend themselves a bit better than a 9 year old who probably hasn’t entered puberty yet and is likely small in stature.

9 is more than old enough to use the mens' alone.

Buy/lend him a personal attack alarm to take into the gents.

The vast majority of 14 year olds cant fight off an adult. What about older or disabled men who cant fight off other men - all in the ladies?

It’s really not confusing.

school is a controlled environment where they will know a lot of the people and staff are DBS checked. The toilets are for children only and designed with easy locks.

however bullying and abuse still occurs of course so not completely safe.

other settings in the community will have higher risks and other variables out of their control. Some are dark and smelly, some have different types of cubicles and locks and some will have grown men standing with their penis out. Some will have noisy adults saying horrible things. Some are just busy or run out of loo roll.

I wonder if some of you think a 9 year old is massive and manly? Most 9 year olds I know are still fairly small, naiive and couldn’t care about girls/boys! (I’m aware not all fit that)

my kids will feel safer using the school toilets because it’s routine, what they know and feel safe.

this confidence will grow as they get older and they will learn the skills to help protect themselves. Child development varies and as parents we risk assess and judge what is right in the moment.

my kid coming in to a cubicle with me isn’t harming anyone and he’s safe. there’s no way he’s ready to go to the mens yet and we can’t use the disabled. We’re in and out.

for swimming, again we use a cubicle. When we’re out as a family he goes with dad to the men’s.

for people saying to prop the door of the men’s and listen out - that’s invading men’s space!!

I know we have to protect women - but boys need to feel safe too and all the villainising from a young age will cause further issues down the line. We need to teach them trust and respect.

for the drama llamas suggesting women’s toilets are full of half dressed, bleeding and crying women - you’re really not painting women in a great light!!

if you’ve got a bit of blood or poo on you, wipe your hands and give them a wash FFS. If you have a stain, use a tissue and wipe it off. 8/9 year olds won’t care. Crying - normal. My kids know about periods and periods shouldn’t be shunned as secret female experiences.

like I said - we have loads to unisex toilets around our way. How are some of you coping in these instances when you see a boy near them??

This. We can all use our judgement as to whether a situation is safe for our children, male or female. None of us needs a harridan trying to shame us for it.

To be honest, it's usually assumed to be simple common sense that children who are confident in using the toilet on their own - school-age children - no longer need to go into the wrong-sex toilets with their opposite-sex parent.

Just like you never see any signs on toilets specifically saying that babies and toddlers should go in with their opposite-sex parents, but again, it's common sense that they can't yet go in alone.

Eh? Why on earth would a 9 or 10yo female be asked/told to use the male toilets, just to prove some kind of weird point?

I take my 9yo in the women's toilet with me.

No. He comes into a cubicle with me.

TBH my 9yo still uses the ladies. Partly he's too short to hang his towel on the hook at the showers.
Yes I think there is a risk for boys in male changing facilities. The saving grace of open plan is decent men would hopefully police any bad guys but then you never know.

But it's also not the first time ive come out the ladies to find an anxious Grampa, is there two girls in there, Can you check if they are OK? Lucy & Holly ignored me when I shouted as they thought I was a weirdo, not just someone trying to usher them along for Gramps

Changing Villages do help in those awkward tween years when they can be in the next cubicle and you can hear them. And that helps lone Dads too. But Changing Villages are hated on MN.

TBH my 9yo still uses the ladies. Partly he's too short to hang his towel on the hook at the showers.
Yes I think there is a risk for boys in male changing facilities. The saving grace of open plan is decent men would hopefully police any bad guys but then you never know.

But it's also not the first time ive come out the ladies to find an anxious Grampa, is there two girls in there, Can you check if they are OK? Lucy & Holly ignored me when I shouted as they thought I was a weirdo, not just someone trying to usher them along for Gramps

Changing Villages do help in those awkward tween years when they can be in the next cubicle and you can hear them. And that helps lone Dads too. But Changing Villages are hated on MN.

What are they scared of, a 9 year old assaulting them? 9 year olds are not men, nor have they started puberty. They’re children.

Id have told her to mind her own business.

Busy shopping centre with other men going in and out and mum hovering outside the door - what is going to happen when there are so many witnesses? So I would expect a 9 year old to use the mens.

A quiet or isolated toilet with less foot fall I would be more cautious at 9.

I don't believe a 9 year old was that oblivious to the "old lady" shouting her son should not be in the woman's and not know what she meant. At 9 ds would only go into the "girls" toilets if I really pushed it! I suspect it is just easier for your friend and saves time waiting outside for her son to use the mens - she is not doing him any favours babying him in this way.

This fixation on boys going into women's toilets is a self created epidemic of parental anxiety and reduced dc resilience/independence rather than, in many cases such as a busy shopping center, any meaningful risk.

It wouldn't bother me per se but I think at age 9, independance should be promoted by his mother. As for seeing the men "exposing themselves at urinals" 😂😂,ridiculous comment.

Do I get to choose that my dds can have a single sex toilet to use? That's what I strongly think is best for them.

He’s old enough to go in the men’s or else use family changing and if you ask a member of staff will go in the changing room while he changes. My 9 year old daughter rightfully in the ladies changing rooms would not want a 9!year old boy in there while she is changing.

YANBU. You can't have it that men are too dangerous to be allowed to share facilities with grown women, but also that they are safe to share with young children.

The most frequent toilet rape stories I have heard have been boys in the gents.
(Though, perhaps I just don't hear as often about others)

My 9yo would refuse to use the ladies, but has a big brother, so is used to using the mens. It's fine when there are two of them, but there are times when it is just him and I don't like it. I think 9 is still borderline.

But common sense should mean that it’s child and location/risk dependent.

so it’s about confidence and not a number/age.

therefore it will vary across some kids.

interesting that one poster (can’t find it now) said they thought 9 was too old but when they look after their grandson who is 9, they go in with her.

so I expect for some keyboard warriors - when it’s someone you care for and you assess their needs, views many change.

How on earth can you possibly know that a man with a little girl is not a danger? For all you know, he might have deliberately taken his DD in with him when she doesn't even need to go, and his DW is waiting outside, just for an excuse to access the women's toilets.

As I said before, a man deciding to go into the ladies' toilet - unless he is a cleaner/repairman and his presence is properly announced - should make you alert as to his motives for doing so.

And as for privacy inside the cubicles, it's true that nobody can SEE anything they shouldn't inside a locked cubicle (assuming they aren't peering under or over a door); but they can HEAR things that a lot of women wouldn't want to be witnessed by a man. Some men - especially the ones who deliberately insert themselves into women's toilets - may get thrills from the various sounds they may hear, or even just get off on the thought that they've managed to get themselves in there, right outside a bunch of women doing intimate/personal tasks, whom they know would likely not be happy to know that he's there.

What do you think an 8/9 year old boy with their mum is going to do?

Would you be happy sending an 8/9 year old girl into a men’s toilet alone? I’m guessing not - so why is it ok to send small boys alone into men’s toilet.

I really wish we weren’t having this discussion. But the risk is high for both sexes in men’s toilets. The younger they are the more vulnerable

Is 10 ok? What about 11? Or 12?

It is not up to women to constantly budge up for men and boys. A 9 year old can use the men's. And not make the already too fucking long queue for the women's even longer.