AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

He goes into the gents. Simple.

Nope she should use the ladies.

What have I just read here, you can’t be serious….

It is totally the solution for young children who are not deemed safe to go to men’s alone.

They go with mum into the ladies until they are confident enough.

I think there needs to be some single toilets (unisex) as well as the current standard situation to mitigate this. Then those who need some support (for whatever reason) can go in there and feel safe.

I think this is why a lot of places have unisex now as it means the queues are shorter and everyone can get to a toilet!

I hate public toilets but they’re a necessary evil!

If you, as the parent, are aware that your ds isn't able to access the regularly available toilets for some reason, I'd expect you to plan for it. When I go out with my disabled dm who I know can't manage in a regular toilet, I look up options in advance for if she needs to go. I don't storm into a private house we aren't entitled to be in demanding our needs out weight other people's.

The average 14 year old boy will undoubtedly be better able to fight off an adult than a 9 year old boy. You are ridiculous to suggest otherwise. It's risk mitigation. I would send a 14 yr old into the toilets (id stand outside also) but never a 9 year old. The average age of puberty also being 11/12 for a boy.

Unisex are very open about being unisex and set up accordingly with cubicles with handwashing right? Like the restaurants that just have a few whoever toilets? What’s the setup?

Mostly I think 8 is a good cutoff to start setting expectations and using the single sex toilets is a part of growing up. If you’re somewhere unsafe then you probably shouldn’t be there with your kids. You should stay outside the toilets so your child can call to you if needed. You should make sure your child knows where to find you if you split up or have a way of contacting you at least. If you have a child with additional needs you should feel no hesitation at using the disabled toilets as that’s the purpose of them. It’s just really simple.

My daughter is 13 and if she came out of a cubicle and found an 11/12 year old boy standing there she’d be horrified.

Yes if she’s not confident to go to ladies on her own.

or ladies if she is.

or - based in other responses, a bush or a plant pot apparently!!

or find a magical family room somewhere that we can summon when our kids say they need a wee

🙄

Yes, and I referenced toilets and school policy for the over 8’s, too, as it is all interlinked and informs LA policy on public access toilets. Boys over 8 are not allowed in state-run or most privately owned single sexed spaces - be they toilets or changing rooms.

Most of us when caught short with 8yo+ sons made swift use of the disabled/family-cum-baby changing loo (as they are usually the same in many places).

So then it’s the bush for you too then 😂

I notice a lot of restaurants now are unisex.

Are you suggesting that 15yo boys use the female toilets? What about 16yo boys, 17yo boys….i mean they could get raped. 🤷‍♀️

As we’ve seen in the news today 14yo boys are quite capable of being rapists.

I’d be interested to know at what age the OPs friend intends to stop taking him in the women’s toilets. Surely she can loiter just outside the men’s and wait for him, tell him to yell like mad if necessary? No mens toilets are that big that she wouldn’t hear him.

Im fed up with the 9yo, 10yo, 11yo boys in the changing rooms at the gym. I really can’t imagine any busy open plan up market gym changing room is a danger for small boys yet there’s loads in the women’s changing room staring at boobs at more as there’s no cubicles.

Schools have to provide single sex toilet provision from the age of 8. So there is no way a 9 year old boy should be going into the female toilets.

Girls and women should not be lose their right to single sex spaces because a mum is uncomfortable about letting her child go in the men’s alone.

Yeah, you're unreasonable for this comment, OP.

I think that’s more frowned upon though - using disabled loo.

I would expect a 9 year old to have the confidence to walk into a ladies loo. Do their business, wash their hands and walk out again. Obviously not if they had any special needs etc.

How about we leave the disabled toilets for people who are.....disabled?

At 9 years old I had my first period...are you seriously telling me that a girl can be mature enough to have hit that stage in life and a boy needs mummy to hold his hand and take him into the ladies? Stop infantilising children and inflicting them on everyone else. Surely he's embarrassed to be taken into the ladies! I don't have a son and didn't have a brother so I don't have any comparison, but my DH says he'd have been mortified to be taken into the ladies at that age.

But, respectfully, even you don't seem to know either. You said both of the below statements in your single post - how can you judge when an 'older kid' is old enough?

but who’s decided he’s plenty old enough?

totally understand concerns with older kids and adult men.

Again - in many places they are one in the same - changing table in the corner of the same space. And it is less frowned upon to very quickly use a disabled loo when you are juggling multiple children than to take an overaged boy into a women/girls single sexed space.

When mine was that age, he waited outside the ladies while his sister and I used it and then we reciprocated by waiting outside the mens when he went in - usually asking him to check whether there were any other users in there before he closed the door. He knew to go straight to a cubicle.

OP’s friend needs to up-skill her boy and stop babying him.

Some of the mums of boys comments on this thread are absolutely shocking. For some, that this is a space for girls hasn’t even crossed their tiny misogynistic minds. As a society we know that men commit the most crime. We need to find out why. Does it start right here with 11 year old boys being able to read a sign saying ‘no over 8 males’ and their mum saying ‘not you darling, you’re more important.’

if you do not want your 9year old boy in the gents, that is fine, but YOU find the solution that doesn’t just mean trampling all over the rights of 9 year old girls.

It comes down to who is in most danger: women from a 9 Yr old boy with his family or a 9 year old boy alone in a men's toilet. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to draw the logical conclusion and as the mother of a son I despair at the knock on effect the violent behaviour of some men has had to young boys and children.

The 9 year old boy should go in the gents. Mother can stand outside so heard if there is any issue.

As a woman, Id be more than happy to have a prepubertal 9 year old boy in the ladies (full of private cubicles) with his mother supervising him than force his mother to risk his safety alone in the men's toilets. Dont make this about gender equality. This is about keeping children safe and mitigation of risk.

I have a very small 9 year old boy (he looks about 6). He goes into the men’s of most places but somewhere busy like a concert or services he’ll come with me (if we’re not with his dad). He won’t get changed in the ladies when swimming etc.

Unless the boy has serious learning difficulties or physical 9yo is plenty old enough. Or does a teacher take him to the toilet at school? I think if he was that much special needs the OP would have said.

and yes, I do avoid unisex toilets, mainly because of piss on the seat, piss on the floor and piss down the outside of the porcelain. Am fed up with piss on the back of my legs when I sit down and trying to keep the bottom of my trousers out the puddles. Women’s toilets are never that bad.

That issue aside it’s not a fair comparison. Unisex toilets are completely enclosed, by law with floor to ceiling walls and door and a cubicle inside. So no different from going in a room. You don’t have that in most women’s toilets.