AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Am beyond bewildered that someone would have a 12 year old boy in the ladies with them. Why? Surely he’s going back and forth to high school and using the toilets there? Just say ‘we will meet here when we are done’. The end.

It’s actually much riskier in a less busy situation when your child might be alone in the bathroom with a man than in a busy place with lots of people around.

Anyway, I think 8 is fair for any situation with a typical child and if your child can’t be trusted it to run off / wash hands / whatever you should work on that. I’d give a pass to those with children with additional needs for a couple of years I think though I’d say a disabled loo is the solution to this.

12 is beyond acceptable.

At 9 he can use the men's.

How do you think 9 year old girls feel about it? Or, indeed, 9 year old boys having to go into the women’s loo with their mothers?

Because it is uncomfortable sending your son into the gents that young, but having them in the ladies with their 9 yo girl counterparts is worse.

Protecting a 9 year old girl from embarrassment is worse than protecting a 9 year old boy from sexual assault by an adult male?

The poll shows that nearly 40% of women would have a problem with it so your friend needs to expect to be challenged and the upset for her and her family.

I'd suggest that if shes shopping then she either goes briefly so ds won't need the loo or, if she's there longer and therefore wanting to eat or drink, could use a cafe as they are usually one in, one out.

I'm frankly startled to read that any children would or wouldn't be peeking under toilets, that's unacceptable parenting at any age and completely feral. It's not even toddler behaviour.

If tween girls should have to share their toilet space with tween boys, and this is fine because there are flimsy cubicles, why do adult women not want to share toilet space with adult men? The same cubicles are there.

The reality is that we are all entitled to more privacy than the cubicles afford, and that's why toilets are separated by gender.

I think the focus should be on getting more family toilets, and especially more disabled toilets. The answer isn't to take away provisions from women to give to men who don't feel adequately provided for.

He’s 9 and should be more than capable of going to the men’s

My 9 yo would be fucking mortified if i tried to take him in the ladies.

It's not either/or. If he can't use the ladies or the gent's then he can only use the accessible toilet.

I really doubt it’s true. I’ve never encountered and would directly give the 12 year boy in the ladies old quite an earful directly, and I imagine any others in there would chime in and make sure management was there to tell him and his mother off. I’d also be suggesting they’re banned!!
6 and 7 is the borderline age, 8 they certainly need to be in their own. I only encountered it once, I asked incase he was a tall 7yo and the boy was 8, I said he’s too old to be in here, needed to use the disabled if he couldn’t use the men’s and he quite rightly ran out embarrassed! I did alert staff (Restaurant) who spoke to the family to let them know older boys do indeed need to use the men’s or the disabled.

I don't know what's wrong with a 9 year old boy using the ladies toilet with his mum. It would be different if he was on his own etc. Outside of the cubicle the only thing we tend to do in there is wash hands, check hair, makeup etc.

When my son was 9 a 14 year old boy was raped by a stranger in Debenhams, Manchester. For that reason I’d take my sons in to the ladies with me or stand in the men’s doorway making it clear I was there! No one would tell me to put my son in danger! It only takes a second! I was ready for any challenge by anyone but my face must’ve said it all and no one did challenge me.

According to some on here, we are using the sinks to deal with our periods, washing menstrual blood from our hands and soaking stains from our clothes. I'm surprised there's room for anyone to just wash their hands.

Of course they’re capable but they aren’t always safe

I disagree with alot of the posters OP. Particularly as you were in a shopping centre. World is not as safe as it was 20 years ago. Unfortunately there have been reports of kids being sexually assaulted in public toilets. I think 9 is still young. I suppose it depends on how busy it is, if it felt safe.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-61129168

I don't think the lady should have said anything. But plenty of busy bodies out there.

I alerted staff at my gym because a mum repeatedly brought her 8 nearly 9 yo son in the womens, even after people asked her not to. He was prone to staring & my daughter didnt like it! There was a family changing room available.

What got me was i heard her grumble to her partner in the cafe about it & he said loudly "i told you he ought to go in the mens by now"

If you read my whole post you can see that I’ve said the answer is to get rid of these “semi private”’areas where risk occurs altogether.

Accusing me of saying boys being assaulted is not as bad girls being embarrassed is the ultimate straw man.

I’m not saying that - the chance of a boy actually being assaulted is tiny whereas what you call “”embarrassment” to girls (but we al
know that’s minimising it) is very high.

But for everyone’s sake let’s just bin the current system altogether and move on from the whole thing.

9 is too old for a boy to be in a women's toilet or changing area. Its no use saying "theyre a child, they can't defend themselves against a fully grown man" because this is going to be the case til their late teens. If they need to be in the women's at 9, what about 10, 11, 12, 13 etc? Nothing radical is going to happen physically in a year or two.

You'll just have to make other arrangements- wait by the door, take a friend, seek out family-friendly facilities.

As a female child I wouldn't have been comfortable with a 9 year old boy around. By 5 or so I had already been bullied / sexually assaulted by a 9 year old boy.

Why do men have this culture of exposing themselves at urinals? If all men's bathrooms were redesigned with stalls, like women's, men might start becoming less barbaric.

So that 14 year old should be able to go into the womens then? Is that what you're genuinely saying?

If a boy is going to be assaulted he will even at 16. Then what? 16 year olds being in the ladies toilets? Change rooms? Where do you draw the line?

Women and girls are not human shields for boys, as sad as that may be to some. We have rights to privacy as well as safety, too.

I've seen a teen coming out of the toilet cubicle with blood all over her hands. Why should she have to be embarrassed because of the needs of a boy?

Take him to the men's, standing outside, but with your foot in the door, slightly ajar. You can hear what's going on and shout out to them as well. "You nearly finished?" or whatever.

I really don't understand women like that. I mean, they were girls once. Tweens. Wouldn't you think she'd remember, and understand what it was like.

Those of you saying you won't let your over 8s use the men's toilets - will you let them use changing rooms at the swimming pool/gym - because they are signposted.

They are a higher risk as clothing is being removed.

Yet, most are clearly signed that they are single sex (almost always aged 8 as per school)

What do you do in this situation???

9 is old enough to use the men’s, I had 3 boys and my youngest was a nightmare for flatly refusing to use the ladies from around age 6. I spent a considerable amount of time with my foot in the door calling out to him!