AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Where are you seeing all these assaults of boys using the mens? Surely you tell him to go into a cubicle and wait outside for him. 9 is old enough to use the mens. I personally wouldn’t mind, but lots of women do.

And the issue here is MEN’s behaviour, the one that assaulted him. Not that he went in the men rather the women.

People should be safe everywhere. Children or adults. Men or women.

Making it the fault of whoever ‘made him’ go into the men toilets is looking at the wrong cause.

And that is women and girls fault? So women and girls are COLLATERAL DAMAGE?

What about our rights?

No, as usual, it's all about patriarchy and male privilege.

By Law in England single sex toilets must be provided from the age of 8 in schools.

8 - this is when children are told to use the toilets of their sex.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-building-requirements-for-separate-male-and-female-toilets

Those of you taking 12 year olds into the women's toilets - what on earth? You are entirely babying your sons and humiliating them as though they cannot use a toilet by themselves.

It's 7 at the gym / pool I go to. There is a family changing room and toilet.

This is obviously horrible for the child - but this can - and does, sadly - happen in parks, on transport etc. There are potential weirdos everywhere. It seems to be equally true, from what people post on here, that young boys can make women and girls feel very unsafe.

I don't think there is an age when this wouldn't be alarming, frankly. And if we've decided that separate gender toilet facilities, in which men wee communally, are the norm, this is what we have to deal with. I think 9 is old enough for a child to have had a talk about what's acceptable in men's toilets, what isn't, and what to do about it if something happens. I also think busier toilets are probably safer in this regard!

I'd personally prefer individual, fully contained, unisex cubicles for all, but I'm in the minority, I know.

I see it more as “little princesses are far too fragile to see a little boy washing his hands at the sink”.

But it isnt appropriate.

that is all that matters.

Ditto young sons in dressing rooms in shops when mum is trying on clothes. They always play up - peeking in the curtains or even innocently messing around with them risking expising whoever is inside etc. Happens too often sadly. It's not on and shouldn't be allowed.

It's inappropriate.

Totally depends on where you are. I would probably send a nine year old boy to a men's loo in a small town, or in a department store, or somewhere predators are less likely to be / be able to get away. But I definitely wouldn't let him go alone into a public loo in the middle of a city for example.

I have to say I’m gobsmacked that so few posts are talking about men’s behaviour that makes toilet a dangerous place first children (and some adults).
But instead concentrate in the fact all children should go in the women loo etc…

Wake up people. Stop bickering about toilets and start screaming about how unsafe men are. So much so you dint want to let a child alone with them.

9 is too old to be in the ladies. If you won’t send your child of that age into the appropriate toilet then you need to rethink your plans.

The fact that he’s likely to run off doesn’t trump the comfort and dignity of women and girls.

To the mother who took her 12year old son into the Wimbledon toilets - would you be happy for your 12 year old daughter to go into the mens with your husband??

Your son should not have been in there - and from your post, he knew it.

I've been in numerous public toilets with actual men in them - male cleaners, plumbers. Not to mention an even larger amount of male children.

Not once have I ever felt my privacy or dignity was violated by the presence of someone else minding their own business or doing their jobs.

And yes, before someone comes at me, I do have sympathy for victims of sexual violence because I am one myself.

If you are holding up the idea that female loos are some sort of sacred safe space then I have very bad news. They're not and never have been. They're just another public space.

At my David Lloyd boys are supposed to use the men’s changing room at 8+.

However I’m so rarely there when kids are allowed in the pool, so how strictly this is adhered to I wouldn’t know. When I did once take Gds at 8, he went with dh to the men’s.

I think the notion a 9 yo boy could be a danger to women in this specific circumstance, while being accompanied by their mother, is slim to none.

I mean if he was trying peek under or over cubicle doors, saying things about female bodies or using inappropriate language then that's not on.

But I think the mum has the right to decide the age she's comfortable letting them go to the men's alone. I'd say for me maximum 11 plus if no SEND but when accompanied below that age it's a grey area. And dependent on the child's behaviour.

They do need to learn to be confident going to the toilet alone by secondary school or before you'd hope.

surely it would depend on where they were at the time. huge shopping centre, or public street toilets are different to say a small cafe or pub. If there is any doubt take him in with mum. The old lady should have minded her own business. The child (and yes 9 is a child) could have disabilities for all she knew!!

The point is disabled people cannot wait, and shouldn't have to so a non-disabled child could use the loo.
Send your son into the men's and stand outside.

Its not just about danger though. Women and girls deserve privacy too, especially to do with periods, etc.

@StillgotmyiPod They may not be a safe space but they if they are signposted as a single sex space then that is what they are.

It's also about male children understanding the rules of society.

If they know at school, at 8 they must only use the boy's toilets, it is confusing as to why their mum will not allow them to do this in other spaces.

If you are worried about particular risks then talk to your sons about what to do in that situation and if really concerned get them a whistle.

Think realistically - they're not.

The only truly single sex spaces I can think of are in some religious establishments with very strict rules.

Public toilets are always going to have members of the opposite sex in, one way or another. That's just reality.

It’s not really princess behaviour to expect the lady’s toilets and changing rooms to be for women and girls is it.

It’s logical.

Then what do they do when another disabled person is using the loo? I've used the disabled loos plenty of times when my son was in a pram and when he was potty training and would only use the travel potty.

And I hope those of you with sons are teaching them that they are responsible for not growing up to be predators. Because you want to protect your sons from pervy men as if these men just become that way overnight.

Well good for you then! You didn't feel violated, but others did. And your consent is not transferrable. And wrong, female only intimate spaces are indeed a safe space when males are not in them.