Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

have you not discussed that with him? I don't see it being a long term relationship on a good footing if you can't discuss how the money works.

Hi OP. I am sorry. I don't think this is going to work. That's no criticism of you.

But if this is irritating you now (and I can see why) then it's only going to get worse.

A long term partnership needs to be based on not irritating each other (and other things of course). He's irritating you already. It may not get better.

He could get a second job.

Why does that mean you can't go to his? Surely he's allowed overnight guests in his room?

I think I'd struggle to be honest and that this will only breed resentment. It's not that he's done anything wrong per se but long term, what does this look like?

He doesn't want to eat the same thing on repeat? Yet he can't even afford a litre of milk for your home? This does not sound like a sustainable situation. You are building resentment, and with good reason. Have you considered a little break from him, just to assess your true feelings? He is nurturing children in his care, yet appears to be treating you somewhat differently.
Something feels very off here and you are young enough to make changes now if that's the way to go. Before he moves into your place, then asks you to buy the engagement ring. That sort of thing.

YANBU OP. He should be embarrassed about sponging off you.

Dial back the relationship to just friendship for now. You don't owe a healthy, unrelated adult financial support.

What is it you do for a living OP?

Tell him he needs to start contributing to these expenses. Before he dated you, and wasn’t at yours for 3 days a week, then he would have needed to fund these things himself so he likely has the money to. You can love your job and still aspire to get better pay. He could train as a teacher.

Moving in with him under the current situation would be a big mistake in my opinion. Firstly, he is in debt, he needs to get out of debt first (why doesn't he move back with his parents to do that?). Secondly, from what you have stated he can't afford to move in with you. Put him off until he is out of debt and then sit down with him and go through the costs - increase where necessary eg no more Council tax discount, much bigger food and energy budget - then make clear he will be contributing 50% of that and ask him how he is going to manage that.

But I think the OP has every right to be irritated - if he's bascially earning pin money, and possibly even less than that if he goes ahead with the different job, then it limits everything he does. Which then limits the OP.

If he was working towards something better paid, the OP may well feel differently. And I say this as someone who earns a lot less than my DH, but as my money is pretty decent, it all works out. He may feel differently if I decided to take something very low paid.

Can he not bung it in with your washing if its only a couple of items?

@Worldinyourhands he owes her quite a bit of money and she bails him out when he runs out of money. The pub he lives in is his friend mum pub and she doesn’t allow people to be staying over. Also he sleeps on a mattress on the floor it won’t be a comfortable stay tbh

If he turns up and asks what you are eating the correct response is what have you bought? A man with no ties should be able to support himself and have a social life, including dates. He needs a second job. I have friends who are TAs and they work weekends or evenings or school holidays. It doesn't matter how much you earn you don't owe him anything. If you want to make it work get him to write down everything he has coming in and going out. What does he actually owe this lady How is he paying it back? How much, how often? I think you will find he bungs her a bit of cash every now and then when she makes noises about him owing her. If you want to continue reduce the overnights. Why can't you stay at his sometimes? If he pays rent he can have anyone he wants over. I think you have your head well screwed on and don't let anyone on here guilt you about these concerns - you have identified a problem early. It's a pink flag for how you want to live your life - and there is nothing wrong with that.

Tell him he's not to use your washing machine. If you don't want to say it up front just lie it's broken. Or that you're using it yourself.
As for food. You should only buy and cook it half the time. He needs to supply the rest.
Tell him you're busy and he can't sleep over as often.

He could easily be getting comfortable in the fact that as you earn more you're happy to pay more. But he hasn't even discussed it with you, he's just thinking oh she must be really generous and loaded?!

It sounds like you're barely making enough to live independently yourself and can't afford to also support a boyfriend who can't feed himself.

With his debts and interest in taking a pay cut, he's coming across as a sponger. It doesn't sound like you'd be supporting him temporarily either, it's ongoing.

Teaching hours are short. He needs a second job to pay off his debt and to allow him to live the lifestyle he wants.

It's time to brutal with him, this is not about shower gel, it's about getting his shit together before he turns 30.

Not if you're in a hard water area. The nozzle clogs up with limescale and becomes unusable.

exactly this. Im not sure how it works over there, but here you can do training and progress to a higher level as a TA.

You're planning and preparing meals according to your budget and he's coming round, eating for free and complaining about eating the same things. Has he matured beyond the age of 12? Does he understand how money works? I think he thinks you're his mummy.

You need another conversation with him.
Ask him if he plans to live in that room forever. How he expects to provide for himself.

It sounds like his plan is find a woman with a good job and have her support him so he can do a few hours a week as a ta, live in a nice house, have nice things, go on holiday etc.

You need to be asking him does he ever plan to rent a home of his own, get a pension, pay all his own bills, does he plan to be independent.

Theres nothing wrong with you being the higher earner. When I met my now husband I earned twice what he did. But he hadn't settled for the wage he was getting, and he worked to earn more.

Over the nearly 30 years we've been married theres been times I've earned more, theres been times he's earned more but I've never once felt like his plan was for me to provide for him and he's never felt that way about me

Imo that's what's important. Feeling like you're a team, regardless who's earning more at any given point.

Do you feel that he wants to be a team or that he wants to be provided for?

I'd have put it more directly but this....but yes.

What would also caution you on is that even if you can "accept his end of the deal he may re-neg and then you are totally fucked.

i know 3 women who went down this road.
1 has a husbamd holding up his end and dealing with house and kids.

The other 2 are married to financial drains who are millstones round their necks.
The husbands earn FA do little to no housework / household managment. both women ar paying for FT childcare because fuckface over there cant be trusted not to end up in hospital with the baby because he wont get off his fucking phone....
These men are making their woves lives ACTIVELY HARDER.

Be aware ....A decent nanny is bout 6-7k net pm and choldcare is 2.5k pm in my neck of the woods..

These 2 women cannot divorce these clowns as in family court they are considered primary caregivers and in the event of a divorce would receive far more than 50% of assets despite contributing almost nothing in terms of emotional labour or finances.

What a time to be alive!!!

Edit: poster above also raises a good point what's his actual end game? What does life look like in 20yrs is a good question to ask!
If he cant even support himself how will he support a family?

@wherearethesnacks I earn enough to live independently. I save quite a large chunk as I’m saving for a mortgage deposit. It’s the extra cost of having a relationship mean my budget for expenses are increasing rather than me saving it for a deposit

This can’t work. dump him.

to all those saying “it’s only a few quid” - I bet you anything that this guy has actively factored his gf’s contributions into his shonky budgeting. I will bet you anything he thinks - or even says to friends - things like - “I’ll go to misssparkles on Wednesday so that’s dinner sorted, and I’ll get my washing done too”. He could find other solutions to his poor financial situation. But he’s using you instead. Without asking. Dump him

If you stay with him and have kids, you'll save buckets in childcare in future school holidays. That's worth rather a lot. But if you're already begrudging some shampoo, this really has no future