Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

Staying overnight 3 times a week and doing his laundry at your house?? One word: cocklodger.

You either need to have a discussion about him contributing financially, or stop him staying overnight.

Have you actually talked to him about this?

It's all very well him continuing in a low paid job because he loves it, but you paying for all the stuff he's using/needs is like you've become his parent.

You need to have a very frank and honest discussion about this if you see a future in the relationship.

If he’s staying over 3 nights a week then he needs to be contributing to bills and food. Doing laundry every week is taking the piss.

He should train to be a teacher.

He is being honest with you about finances you need to do the same. It is o.k. to say that it doesn't work for him to wash his work clothes every time he is there or if he does he needs to contribute.

In the long term where do you see the relationship going? Do you want children? If so how would that work? Would you be happy as the main wage earner whilst he had more responsibility for the house and children? Would he be happy with that?

I think you need to have some honest conversations. In a relationship you both need to agree about income levels and if he wants the job that doesn't pay well he needs to cut his cloth to suit, not rely on you to subsidise him.

Why don't you start staying at his a bit more to balance things out? It's always going to feel unbalanced if you're only ever staying at one person's place.

You are quibbling over really cheap things like shower gel. Surely you could ask him to buy some supplies to leave at yours and bring the ingredients for a meal once or twice a week. But ultimately you probably need to accept he has less money than you so you are likely to always end up paying more.

It doesn’t bode well for the future of you stay together and end up living together. As you will end up paying more and likely be resentful of him for it

Come off it. I could see your point of view regarding the future development of the relationship and his limited earning power, but moaning about a few poos and showers is OTT. Two can pretty much live as cheaply as one.

Also tell him to get a loofah so he uses less shower gel, and what on earth is ironing liquid? Just use water, don't waste your money.

It is good that he has a worthwhile job that he enjoys. Training for a teacher would very likely take away that enjoyment so not a route I would recommend!

If you need him to contribute then you must say so. I am always mind-boggled that people can have intimate relationships with someone who they feel unable to hold a conversation with. Just tell him you are feeling the pinch and ask him to chip in. If he says no, well you know what to do!

It may be that because you have not said it is a problem he does not know this.

Well either you love him see a future with him and want to marry/have kids with him, in which case it will probably progress to being a team effort on finances, or at least a happy acceptance of the imbalance.

Or you can continue to keep everything separate and it will probably eventually drive a wedge between you and you will split.

If it is important to you to have a partner with equal earnings to you then probably best to split and find someone else.

I can't see how staying over 3 nights a week is costing you more than a few pounds a week. Presumably he doesn't do his laundry every time and if he does presumably your stuff is going in with his anyway so... A tiny bit of shampoo and shower gel costs next to nothing. Food wise, I suppose it depends on whether you are talking M&S or Aldi. Feeding one person is disproportionately expensive so you won't be doubling food costs particularly because it's only a few meals a week.

I think this is more about the perceived cost and difference in wages on your mind than the actual amount you're spending which is probably a few pounds.

I presume you also stay at his sometimes too.

I suppose either way, you're not happy with the situation so you have three choices. 1. You end the relationship as you're unhappy with the wage difference and feel it'll impact on your lifestyle. 2. You accept there's a wage difference but talk to him about bringing his own shower gel etc and contributing £x per week for food i.e. you create boundaries 3. You accept there's a wage difference and continue as you are.

If him using shower gel and toilet roll is really troubling you, then I'd be thinking very hard about why that is. It seems an unusual and unimportant thing to focus on, and a problem that can be easily resolved.

I think maybe people don't understand how little he will actually take home. They are term time only and their hours are short. A level 1 TA might bring home £13k - £15k per year, that is it. So when she says he earns less, he really does earn a low salary.

Going back to pre-covid my friend worked a 4 day week as a TA and didn't even make £1k per month. The pay is diabolical. If he is choosing to stay a TA then this will be an very unequal relationship financially. A lot of TAs are parents who become TAs to cover childcare when their children are in primary.

I think you need a very honest conversation with him OP. Lay it out how much extra he is costing you.

On the fence.

On one hand I agree with pps that begrudging someone a few squirts of shower gel is quite petty.
On the other I can see why if youre always paying for everything else it can seem like the tip of an iceberg.

The real issue is the low pay of TAs making it impossible to live on, which is a disgrace. I have friends who have done it and its a hard job with a lot of responsibility. Would he be entitled to any working tax credits or whatever the equivalent is now? Other than that he might need to think about topping up his wage - the advantage of being a TA is that you aren't expected to do all the planning marking talking to parents etc so his working hours should be quite condensed with a lot of holidays - he could pick up a pub shift once or twice a week, do tutoring or holiday clubs, etc.

I think i could handle it short term but if he has no intention of improving his situation and basically his long term plan is to go from his parents subsidising him to you doing it, I can see why you have concerns. Basically you need to have a long talk about where you see the future.

I’ve had a conversation with him. By time the week is done all of his finances have gone and he’s living in debt. It makes me feel guilty to ask him to do something he literally doesn’t have the resources to do and I can’t stay at his as he lives with family friends in a pub.

To the prices of shower gel and the small bits I aknowledge they are not the most expensive things in the world. But the reason I feel it is because I budget so I can live the way I am. So my budget is increasing because half of the week im technically paying for another adult so even though it’s super small things it adds up.

His job basically doesn’t support his finances and he wants to be in a more nurturing/ mentoring role to the children which is why he loves his job

Agree, the extra shower gel here isn’t the issue. Unless you’re buying some fancy brand it’s a quid a bottle so over the course of a week he’s maybe costing you 50p max. Even if you end up subbing him 10 x that factoring in flushing the loo or putting a wash on, £5 a week when you’re earning significantly more than him isn’t really a big deal.

I’d really hope my DP doesn’t resent that he usually ends up picking up the bigger dinner bill, while I will pay for coffees and lunches etc as he earns more than double what I do. It’s just being a supportive partner. If he’s loving and supportive in other ways and you’re in a position to make his life a little easier by letting him iron a shirt at your house, it seems churlish not to tbh.

Long term you need to discuss how things would work if you plan to move in or start a family, but if you’re already resenting him over these little expenses I’d be advising him not to move in with you tbh. He doesn’t sound like a cocklodger to me - he works (presumably full time) and you haven’t mentioned paying for his petrol or him borrowing your car, which would be much bigger things to fund.

The things you are complaining about sound very small. A bottle of distilled water, some shower gel and a wash load can't amount to more than £3 a week. If that's bothering you I think you have the ick and no level of financial contribution will fix that. End it now.

He may be lovely personality wise, but he's not life partner material. If it's hard now with him staying 3 days a week, imagine if you lived together full time. He can't even afford to treat you on dates. By all means enjoy spending time with him but think very carefully about committing further. Life is expensive. If you want holidays, a mortgaged home, children etc, how would you do it with this man?

Does he have no ambition to do teacher training if he enjoys being in a classroom? He can still be nurturing and act as a mentor.

As his job is term time only does he have plans for any extra work eg at a kids club over the holidays? Or could he get some extra hours doing after school club? Sounds like he does need to supplement his income

I suspect if this was a female TA and the OP was a man the perspective might be quite different for many posters

And Yh I would like to say it’s a quit but I like to buy the method shower gel and nice hand soap etc because I work hard so I like to have them stuff. So 1 bottle that would last me a month or more that’s £6.50 is lasting 2 weeks and some for other things like washing for electric or dimmers that would last me a couple of days in bulk cooking is lasting my significantly less as he’s eats a lot more than me.

basically I know it sounds petty but it’s meaning my budget for everything needs to increase

The easiest way to cut your costs would be to cut the number of nights he stays over. 1 night a week. It'll reduce most of the costs he adds by 1/3.

And cut down the number of dates that you have to pay for. Do cheaper or free things. Walks. Beach. Pub and only take enough cash for your own drinks.

Be upfront with him. 'I can't afford to pay for you.'

Because he might be a lovely bloke, but he's using you.

This relationship has no future because you don’t want to be the much higher earner funding someone who wants to do a job he loves but can’t afford to do that without assistance. (That’s not a criticism of you)

What is his long term plan? He’s spending more than he earns every month? Not everyone gets to do the job they love unfortunately.

Also I personally wouldn’t want to be in a long term relationship with someone with any significant debt (beyond a mortgage or student loan).

When you’ve asked him to buy some supplies ie shower gel, toilet roll etc has he just not bought it? If so, that’s just tight. Have you asked him to call at the supermarket and bring some food for you both? If so, what’s his response? When I first met my husband I was still earning an apprenticeship wage and so in comparison he was ‘rich’! And I’d hazard a guess that unfortunately the vast majority of women are still earning significantly less than their new partners and yet they still stay together so it can be done.

Oh and stop buying ironing water, it’s the biggest con going!