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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

802 replies

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:02

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

OP posts:
TinyBlueDent · 02/07/2026 10:31

Letsgetonwithit · 02/07/2026 10:29

I suspect if this was a female TA and the OP was a man the perspective might be quite different for many posters

No it wouldn't. Being a Teaching Assistant isn't a job that can financially support one person, regardless of the sex of the person.

Rubyslipperswitch · 02/07/2026 10:32

Why isn't he training as a teacher? what's his long term plan?

I would not want to be supporting a man like this OP so I understand your concerns.

He seems to be happy to use your house, food and so on without being able to contribute anything.

I think you both have very different expectation from life and I personally would end the relationship because it just does not feel equal.

sesquipedalian · 02/07/2026 10:33

OP, there is no future in this relationship. Your BF spends all his money every week, and relies in you to make up the extras such as shower gel, or paying to go out. He’s not good with money, as his accumulated debts show. If he’s on a TA’s wage, there’s no chance he will ever be able to save up for a deposit or own his own home. If you are feeling resentful already, what will you feel like if you stay with him and start a family, and it’s up to you to keep the family finances afloat? I’m sure he’s a lovely person, but he sounds utterly ambitionless. You will have to take a long hard look at what you want for yourself and how you foresee your future - but I’m not hearing that long-term, it’s with him.

Original poster
Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:34

With his job he loves it so much. He was even thinking about taking more of a pay cut to take a role that means he can be more nurturing. Basically once he’s paid for his lunches at work, petrol, rent to the room he lives in and debt he’s got no money left. Like I mean nothing to even buy milk for when he comes to mine

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 02/07/2026 10:35

It is great that he loves what he does. However, as this relationship develops does he expect to stay earning at this level? If he does, I think you need to think carefully. If you want to children in years to come, his income will limit your ability to get a home and to provide for them. The imbalance in incomes will breed some resentment over time and it will limit what maternity leave you can take. Would he be willing to train as a teacher longer term?

If not, think carefully. You already have an awareness of the imbalance in the relationship and this will grow over time.

Original poster
Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:37

We’ve spoken about it but I can see how his hands are tied. I love him a lot and it’s so hard because I feels like having a relationship is expensive. Even if we do something cheap like go for a walk, water and snack will need to be brought as we will eventually get hungry and naturally because he’s not got the funds for it I will have to pay. So indoors or outdoors I’m covering it. I know it’s £5-£15 here and there but end of month it adds up and although I have money to live it’s not the type of money where I can just spend without budgeting

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/07/2026 10:37

Sounds like he needs to move back in with his parents or at least stop buying his lunch unless you mean he makes his own packed lunch.

He needs a 2nd job to stop increasing his debt.

OutInTheWild · 02/07/2026 10:38

He may be a nice person, but you’re obviously not suited. I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him as it doesn’t sound like he is going to change.

WooWooWinnie · 02/07/2026 10:38

Ultimately he doesn’t earn enough to sustain his lifestyle. Can he look for additional evening/weekend work if he doesn’t wish to leave his current role? Otherwise there’s not much you can do, either accept the extra costs as part of life within this relationship, or stop him staying over/doing laundry at yours.

courageiscontagious · 02/07/2026 10:39

Big no from me.

The shower gel is the canary in the mine- you will be subsiding him your whole relationship.

He’s being upfront about that in his own way.

You want different things, the problems will only get bigger.

Bimblebombles · 02/07/2026 10:40

His debts the problem, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is in debt on the regular and does not have any kind of workable plan to get out of it.

I would reduce the amount of time he stays over to once a week at the weekends (therefore no extra work washing) and if the relationship naturally fizzles out because of that then so be it.

Dearg · 02/07/2026 10:42

It’s time for him to grow up.

Lovely that he feels he has a vocation, but at 28 he needs to realise that, sooner or later, he has to support himself.

It does seem that resentment is creeping in on your side, as you can see more clearly that his earning/ spending pattern is not going to improve. I think you are realising that long term, he’s not for you.

Icecreamisthebest · 02/07/2026 10:42

You are subsidising his ability to stay in a job he loves which means you are missing out on things you love. Thats not equal and someone who really loved you would not be willing to sponge off you in this way.

Id end it @Misssparkles2 There’s future here. We would all love to indulge our passions to be in a job we love but that’s not real life. In real life the bills need to be paid and we all have to stand on our own two feet. He could sell his car and bike to work. He could do all the cleaning and cooking at yours. (I’m assuming if he contributed in this way you would have mentioned it). He could work a second job as he has plenty of time to do that.

But sponging off you is easier so that’s what he does. He is not someone I would have any respect for.

SlothfullyYours · 02/07/2026 10:43

You can't support yourself or a family on a TA wage.

autumn1638 · 02/07/2026 10:43

He needs to get a proper job. I think he’s a bit stuck. Maybe he could do a pgce or maybe he could go to the nhs as an education mental health worker. They pay you to train for that role. There are other jobs he could be doing. He could do his teacher training at his school would take him 4 years. No one can survive on a teaching assistants salary- it’s a job for stay at home mums who have husbands but want to work school hours to keep their foot in employment while children are young.

Tonissister · 02/07/2026 10:45

It sounds like you are mismatched. It's fine for him to love his job, but if he can't afford to live on his earnings and you can't afford to sub him at a standard of living you want, then it won't work.

But I remember when I met DH he had a really well paid glamorous job and I had a MW job that didn't keep me afloat. He subbed me a lot in those early years. Now I earn more than him and have for a while. It just took me some time to work out what I was good at, and his very lucrative job stopped existing.

If you love him, chat to him. Say that you budget tightly and have started to notice the pinch because you are funding two people now for half the week. Ask him what he thinks you can both do about it.

For dates etc, he should make an effort to create really good dates that don't cost much. I put a lot of effort into dates with DH. He could afford expensive restaurants but I would take him to an art gallery where I knew some painting he loved were showing, then have a picnic in a park when free music was playing. Still fun, but low cost.

Mum2Fergus · 02/07/2026 10:46

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you (it sounds like it is). However, something to consider…when I met now DH, I was working (£100k+ salary) he was (still is) self employed barely breaking even. Fast forward a couple of years, I was redundant and he was sole earner. Circumstances change. Question is, is the relationship enough, and strong enough, to work through things together. If not, separate now.

HoskinsChoice · 02/07/2026 10:47

Cyclebabble · 02/07/2026 10:35

It is great that he loves what he does. However, as this relationship develops does he expect to stay earning at this level? If he does, I think you need to think carefully. If you want to children in years to come, his income will limit your ability to get a home and to provide for them. The imbalance in incomes will breed some resentment over time and it will limit what maternity leave you can take. Would he be willing to train as a teacher longer term?

If not, think carefully. You already have an awareness of the imbalance in the relationship and this will grow over time.

I agree with this. It isn’t just about 'money' as such, although that would be a problem for me as well. When I was your age, I wanted to travel, enjoy life, go out etc. Sitting at home, penny pinching over shower gel would have driven me crackers. It's only going to get worse. As your career and salary grows, the gap will grow too. It's also about mindset and ambition. Are you the type that wants to grow in your career, ambitious and wants to move up the ladder? If you are, you're likely to find that cracks will appear in your relationship. There's nothing wrong with his career choice but he has to find a way to make it sustainable. If he's already in debt at 28 and thinking of reducing his earnings further, that's not financially sustainable. What happens when you want to buy a house or have kids? He can't fund his own life currently, he has no chance in the future unless he changes his thinking. I would have a serious look at how this can work in the future (and then move on!).

Silverbirchleaf · 02/07/2026 10:47

Basically you’re singing from different hymn sheets, and the only reason his can’ afford’ his lifestyle, is because you’re subsidising him. It’s all very noble wanting to help children etc, but bills still have to be paid.

Reducing his hours is madness , He needs to start thinking about his long term future, whether that’s training as a teacher or whatever, or do an evening job to earn more money. He can’t go on as it is.

I guess you feel stuck in the middle. You’ve been with him for 1 1/2 years, and now the honeymoon period is over, reality has set in. It’s crunch time. Either he gets his act together (and stop sponging of you), or he’s (sadly) out. The resentment (ick) has started to creep in, so listen and take action.

BIWI · 02/07/2026 10:48

He was even thinking about taking more of a pay cut to take a role that means he can be more nurturing

... which means he's expecting YOU to nurture him!

LaurieFairyCake · 02/07/2026 10:48

Well no, if he wants food or a snack he’d have to eat whether out for a walk or not Confused

He earns 25k plus as a TA, with no rent, what is he spending £1700 a month on ???

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/07/2026 10:48

All the TAs I know are either married or on UC to top up their wages.

Letsgetonwithit · 02/07/2026 10:49

autumn1638 · 02/07/2026 10:43

He needs to get a proper job. I think he’s a bit stuck. Maybe he could do a pgce or maybe he could go to the nhs as an education mental health worker. They pay you to train for that role. There are other jobs he could be doing. He could do his teacher training at his school would take him 4 years. No one can survive on a teaching assistants salary- it’s a job for stay at home mums who have husbands but want to work school hours to keep their foot in employment while children are young.

Being a TA is a proper job ffs

Yetanotherone12 · 02/07/2026 10:49

SlothfullyYours · 02/07/2026 10:43

You can't support yourself or a family on a TA wage.

but people do it as part of a couple.

if there is a long term in this relationship then it’s the same as many couples. One partner is the main wage earner, the other has a job that works around the kids and family, like a TA.

o/p would you be up for that? I am the main earner in our house, dh earns about 1/5 of what I do. I pay for everything, he pays his petrol, food, general spending. He does the school runs, swimming lessons etc.

if he’s renting that will be expensive. If there’s a future if you lived together he wouldn’t have that, so could afford to contribute more.

i can’t imagine many men having this dilemma with a TA or low earning girlfriend….

Letsgetonwithit · 02/07/2026 10:50

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/07/2026 10:48

All the TAs I know are either married or on UC to top up their wages.

Which people don't bat an eyelid at when the genders are reversed and yet this man is being seen as a cocklodger.

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