Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

He's sleeping on a mattress on the floor! This is not living within his means. I don't think I could be with someone who didnt want to improve themselves

@Misssparkles2 he might be lovely but he's lazy. He's working part time - a max of 30 hours a week for 38 weeks of the year. He needs a second job if he is going to resolve his financial issues.
And he's apparently happy for you to subsidise everything involved with the time he spends with you.
Would be a deal breaker for me.

He should work in the pub a few evenings a week.

What was his original debt spent on? He obviously still cannot manage money if he's having to re-borrow every week?! How does he eat when not at yours? Does he take lunches into work from home?

If he was absolutely doing everything he could to pay back the debt, taking a second job etc then I would say he's trying hard. But it sounds like he's not. And he probably will never change. Is he thoughtful & kind? Does he make or bring you dinner from his? Do not let him move in. I think you might have to let him go.

We spoken about a second job. He loves his job so much he stays extra hours after meaning his shift that would end at 3:30 he’s still there well after 5 as he’s there with the teacher to look good. He’s then so tired to do anything after. I believed he would get another job but I defo don’t think he will have it in him to do a job after finishing a day at the school.

I don’t want to emasculate him an we spoken about him needing to earn more but he doesn’t want to do any other work that he doesn’t love. Obviously I’ve been brought up different I’ve been told a job is a job especially if you got things to pay for. But he only wants do work a job he likes even after his school job

@Misssparkles2 I would be asking him to sit down to go through his finances. I would only continue this relationship if he was happy to go through this together and be totally honest with you
Work out what his income is, his minimum debt repayments, if there's anything he can shift to cheaper debt and work out a proper budget.
This relationship isn't going to last if he is getting himself further into debt each month and you become resentful bailing him out
He may have a gambling problem or anything. He is taking money of his landlord who is already giving him rent cheap, so you need to work out where the money is going and if there's any way out of this debt for him. But he needs to get on board with sorting this and he needs to be transparent with you.
Do you think he would do this?

I really don't think this is the guy for you. Can you honestly see things changing?

It’s one thing to negotiate with your partner that they support you financially in return for something, or as part of a long term plan. This isn’t that - it’s leaching without being honest, without giving OP a choice

He is earning barely above min wage and part time as well.

Does he find additional work during the school holidays ? assuming ( and I know I shouldn't assume ) he is a level 3 Childcare qualified he could work as bank staff in a nursery / school holiday summer clubs etc.
he could even get a couple of hours a day more in his own school running the after school club/breakfast club ?

There are agencies around that need qualified /experienced staff for SEN children for respite i.e. evenings/weekends

One work shirt - why ?

He’s nearly 30 and is either not capable of, or chooses not to get his career to a place where he can pay the bare minimum without going into debt each month. 🚩

I wouldn’t be hitching my wagon to this financial situation, no.

@herbetta his mum took her life when he was younger and he just took out credit cards car finance and racked up a massive debt

People are trotting out “train as a teacher” as if it’s some easy fix.

if he doesn’t have a’levels he will need an access course or similar to get on a degree course. Then primary school teaching- 3 years, or 4 if he does degree + pgce.

so he could be looking at 3-5 years before qualifying. That’s with no income, and fees/loans etc.

teaching is not for the faint hearted either. Depending on o/p’s career he may never earn as much as she does, and may put in more hours. If they do have a family and decide on a sahp it may all be to no use anyway, when he goes back to TA because the hours fit better.

o/p I’ve had two bf’s who earned less than me. The first was dumped pretty quickly, because his attitude seemed to be I had the money and he didn’t. He did work, but didn’t seem to have much ambition to be self supporting. He was dumped when he asked if I’d pay for tennis lessons he wanted.

the second was very different. Paid his own way, if he couldn’t afford it he said no. Would be generous with what he did have, would save and pay for a date when he could, otherwise we went halves.

He needs to grow up and accept a second job.
You aren't compatible. You want different things.

You have fundamentally different values, which means you are incompatible.
You believe in working hard and improving your financial situation. He believes in doing work that he loves above all else.

Never mind the mis-matched money, a relationship cannot work long term if your values and basic approach to life don't align.
No matter how much you love him, there is no future in this.

I sort of agree with this to be honest. I had absolutely diddly squat when I met my now DH. He was very high earner. Although I did work very hard in a full time job and my only debt was my mortgage. He has loved and supported me regardless. I see PP’s focusing on the TA role. I feel more concerned about this ‘landlady’ person he seems to be embroiled with. She is charging him rent for a room in a pub. He can’t even wash his clothes? He owes her thousands of pounds? How? He keeps borrowing money from her? It sounds like a possible loan shark situation.

@Cherriesandapples1 we actually have. It’s the large chunks of money he’s paying back to his mum friend. It’s not even the outside debt that is causing the issue at this point in time

Stop carrying him. He’s not the one for you.

Sorry OP but sometimes love just isn't enough. You will despise him eventually

You will be expected to do the same, and to fund his utilities, whilst he takes a pay cut. And provide his meals (but not the same repetitive standby meals—he wants variety).

Cocklodger. I don’t care how “nice” he is. If the shoe fits…

You really don’t sound compatible tbh. He could become a HLTA/teacher and have a job for life

Kindly OP this relationship has no legs on it and instead of accepting this, you’re trying to talk yourself out of love with him.

You’re sounding miserly discussing his shower gel usage, and you’re (unintentionally ?!) speaking unkindly about him and his career drive. However, maybe what underpins this behaviour is the realisation the man you love, can’t be the man you expect him to be?

He is very childish. A job you love is a luxury not everyone can afford.

You have to be able to provide for yourself. If you can do that with a job you're passionate about thats wonderful.

But what you cant do is look round for a piggy bank you get to fuck as well as fuck over.

Ask him bluntly. Does he plan for your income to subsidise him for his entire working life.

So what does his budget look like?
If he's getting £1500 per month and his debt is costing him £1600 per month. Then he isn't ever going to get out of debt. You will end up with a cock lodger and get more and more pissed off
Don't worry about emasculating him by telling him he needs to work out solutions to getting out of the debt, refinancing to lower interest, getting a second job. He certainly shouldn't be looking to quit this job for a lower paid one if he can't afford to pay for basic living expenses now
Unless he is willing to go through this and work out solutions, you need to either end the relay or accept you'll be paying for him forever and damaging your own finances. He needs to prove he is willing to do something about it

So when you get your wage, put your savings into your mortgage fund first, then when you start to run out towards the end of the month, he can't come over any more as you have no money even for milk either. Prioritise your mortgage fund, you are doing great.

Every update gets worse. OP you really need to reconsider this relationship, unless you are happy to support him forever. He sounds like a typical man-child. Not having a second job during school holidays is a massive red flag. He's utterly lazy, presenting it as if he's just the most nurturing man on the planet. It's super manipulative.