Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

"I usually cook in bulk and he will kind of say how he doesn’t want to eat the same thing on repeat."

Oh fuck off sunshine! He doesn't want to leave because he owes her money So how is he paying her back while spending money on rent?

He needs to pay his way. This is the very minimum you should expect from a relationship. You should also think about what a future with him might look like.

You are young, smart, successful and independent. Raise your bar, set your boundaries and if he can’t meet your standards and expectations, he might not be the one for you.

Ultimately I think you just don't love him enough. I don't mean that unkindly but when you really love someone and are building something together, you don't get resentful over a bit of shampoo or some food, especially when you earn twice what they do. It's all just the money available for the life you're sharing together. You want someone who earns more and that's a totally fair and reasonable choice. But it's not him so let him go.

@SparklesWithSynergy hes basically paying her most of his wage. So paying the rent which is not a lot then paying her More on top to cover back the money he owes her. The problem then he has no money and then has to borrowing money back from her. He also has outside debt which is all just a horrible cycle

I mean, ironing water? There's your saving. I do think you're being a bit petty. I dont think he is using you. But you do need to decide on the future of this relationship, he is fully entitled to stay in a lower paying job he loves and accept that he won't ever have loads of money. You need to decide if you're OK with that. If the sex of the couples were flipped, no-one would be battling an eyelid.

I think you should split up, he needs to make decisions about making his life work for him without someone financing him. Definitely do not move him in! He has some cheek to complain about your food!

Sorry but your wages can't be that great if you are moaning about replacing the shower gel. That said why dont you go to his and why is he doing a wash at yours. No need for him putting on a wash!

I would imagine all TAs out there have someone else subsidising their life expenses due to the absolutely awful salary so maybe parents by living with them or a spouse.

However I suspect many of them are in a different phase of life where the balance comes from the flexibility the job offers when you have your own children.

Given it’s term time only and the hours fit around children in school allowing the balance to come from the time they input to family.

You are pretty far off benefiting from this side of the relationship. Is he pulling his weight cleaning your flat, making life a bit easier, cooking etc

Iron juice? I use water in my iron! Broke boys should be using tap water for ironing!

Does he work during the school holidays? I know TAs are paid pro rata through the year but they're not paid for those days they're not in school so as he's not got any caring responsibilities surely he's motivated to do some work or travelling or something in the holidays?!

The younger TAs I know in their 20s sometimes work in summer holiday clubs or youth clubs or projects in the summer and Easter hols.

If he loves working in schools that's great but if he can't maintain his lifestyle on the income, I'd recommend teacher training so he can get on that teacher pay ladder. All his experience and enthusiasm so far will help him.

Or if it's TA all the way for him he needs to get himself a second job.

You're currently subsiding his life if he's using your toiletries and electricity without any contributions towards it.

I'm sure he's a really lovely guy and I think the current situation has developed gradually rather than him taking advantage so a conversation needs to happen.

What are his ambitions or dreams for the future? Not suggesting you two move in but he can't just rely on having wealthier girlfriends forever and ever.

And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.

If this wasn't a forum of mostly women, you probably wouldn't be here at all because you wouldn't think it needed supervising, correcting and finger wagging for not being a perfectly unbiased court of law. As it happens, though, there was an OP just yesterday who mentioned she doesn't like it when men don't pay for her and she got pilloried, as such women usually do.

So he needs another job - and to move back to his parents.

His lifestyle (or just living) is not sustainable.
You need to tell him you cannot afford to support him and either he steps up or fucks off.

OP you are in your twenties. This is the time for care-free fun, travel, partying. Not supporting a man who can't be bothered to make a better life for himself.

To be blunt. He is in a low-paid role with no career progression, no ladder to climb (unless he wants to become a teacher, but you didn't mention that).

Cut him loose and find someone who's more on your level.

HE can use water from a tap in an iron

A tiny bit of shampoo and shower gel costs next to nothing.
You are joking. I know people who go through a bottle of shower gel in a week and shampoo in a fortnight.
If they're paying they'll buy the cheap weak stuff so they'll think yours is nice and not think of not applying it liberally.

@Misssparkles2 , you and he are not compatible. Get rid of him and get on with your life.

I'm sorry, I know money is tight for him but he's taking the piss. There is nothing stopping him from bringing toiletries from home nor just doing his washing when he's there. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you/love you - but I do think he's got a little too comfy and taking you for granted.

Next time - the washing machine is broken!

I think he’s taking the piss out of you with this. You’re saying after he’s paid his rents and his debts etc he literally can’t afford anything? Not a £1 bottle of shower gel? A pint of milk? What would he do if you broke up? Who would pay for all his food, his ironing supplies and his shower gel then? I think it’s time for a bit conversation I’m afraid. However lovely and wonderful he is, you can’t afford to do this, and shouldn’t have to.

Definitely don’t move him in. He has debt and doesn’t earn enough to support himself. Honestly it sounds like he does know what he’s doing, he’s expecting you to top him up with meals and outings. If he wants to eat different meals each night, he should be buying the ingredients and bringing them round to cook for the both of you. That would be what occurs in a well rounded relationship.

This. If he wants a family in the future, and a more balanced relationship then he needs a different job. I really enjoyed doing bar work as a teenager but that was never going to give me the lifestyle I enjoy now!

Bit cheeky to say he doesn’t want to eat the same meal twice when you’ve batch cooked! What would he eat at home with the £0 he has?
Does he have potential to train to be a teacher? If he doesn’t have the qualifications then this is likely to be your future with him, is this what you want?
Agree with @PeonyPanda ⬆️ he needs to increase his income during the school holidays, maybe working in activity clubs or sports activities after work or maybe a shift in a supermarket once or twice a week.
How has he accrued debt? From day to day living, car expenses, holidays?

Youve worked hard to get where you are financially and you will have to make lots of compromises if you stay with him or accept that you will subsidise him.

Maybe seriously consider his potential additional earning ability and question why he isn’t actually doing that now!

Speak for yourself. You seem to be living in the last century. Whenever I have dated someone earning significantly more than me, I have never once expected him to pay for my food and laundry. I have more self respect.

If he has then offered to pay for expensive treats, I have always been clear that I cannot return this kindness, before accepting.

He should be able to provide his own cheap shower gel, make his own cheap lunches so he can afford to cook the odd budget meal for you. If he wants to stay in a low paid job, he needs to cut his cloth accordingly.

Can he bike to work?

TBH I think he is using you to support his lifestyle and I would get rid

Sorry @LittleArithmetics , wrong quote.

@Newname29 My wages are good for my age at 25. I’ve not grown up in an affluent middle class environment. With the cost of living for my wage to allow me to live without parents, save and do the things I want to. Compared to my peers it’s good.

The issue isn't the shower gel, or the laundry. The issue is that he's working in a job he loves, but the pay is awful and that has an impact on life options/spending etc. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself over what you want in life. If you marry and have kids, will he stay at home while you go to work to support the family? Are you happy with that? You're hiding the big issue, behind little ones. He may be lovely, but can you have a happy life with him long term or will you resent having to support him?

@Newname29 To add I can’t go to his because he rents a room in a pub. Also the washing happens because he’s got one work shirt and trousers and limited boxers so it means he ends up doing regular washes