Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

but I can see how his hands are tied

His hands are not tied. He lives hand to mouth as that suits him. However that seems very contrary to your lifestyle. I would not carry on a relationship with a man like this. If you stay in a relationship with him, you'll always be the breadwinner. Can you live with that?

It’s difficult, I do feel I’m becoming resentful. I do appreciate he’s doing what he loves but when he talks about his job and even considering a pay cut I feel like a dream killer because it’s something I don’t want to hear. I think the shower gel etc which is small and it’s true is just a highlight of what’s going on. Sometimes he comes over and not in a mean way will ask what we are eating. I usually cook in bulk and he will kind of say how he doesn’t want to eat the same thing on repeat. Which I get it but I’m almost like you can’t choose because you can’t afford to get yourself dinner right now. I really don’t want to be like that but at the same time I’m 25 and I can only do what I can do and just like him I’m working hard so I can have the choice to have and do what I want to do

I would very much bat an eyelid if a woman expected a man to fund their life before they're even living together let alone buying houses and having children.

A) it is a “proper job”

b) sexist to say it’s a job for mums. There is no reason why a man can’t do it, and there is no reason why he couldn’t be a sahd with a wife who needs to keep his foot in the employment door.

He needs to get a 2nd job to supplement his part time low paid job.

I know TA work is important but sadly the pay is minimum wage (or there abouts) and part time. 30 hours an week across the academic year works out about 22 hours a week across the calendar year.

Encourage him to get 10-15 hours work a week at say a supermarket for example. Or I have known TAs to do 1:1 care work / respite work on one of the days at the weekend for SEN kids. This could appeal to him?

Ultimately he can’t afford to work part time- which is what he’s doing now.

Yes, I agree. Most are women who become TA to fit around their children and school terms. Its very much a ‘now’ job, not a long-term career.

I think there is nothing wrong with having a low/non earning spouse who provides home and childcare whilst you fund the lifestyle - if that is what you are up for. So for me it would not personally be a deal breaker as I could earn enough to do that. As a nurturing person I guess he would probably make a great dad too.
However, until that time comes, he is being unreasonable to expect (even by omission) that you subsidise his lifestyle. The fact you cannot sleep over at his is also a bit pathetic at his age. The obvious thing to do is dial back the sleep overs - limit it to 1/week and no clothes washing. Be honest that your costs have increased too much and you can't afford to carry an extra adult half the week semi living with you but not contributing. I'd also start sleeping over at your place after a date (where you eat out) then just have cereals in for him for breakfast. Or if you are eating at home, give him a list of ingredients to buy (or he buys them and cooks even better!). You are providing the accommodation so not unreasonable he provides the food. I guess he saves a lot on rent in his current situation. If he can't afford the food, fair enough, see you next week instead. And if he cannot afford to socialise with you (including being able to pay for his own drinks if you are out) then just say 'that's a shame, see you next week instead and go out with girlfriends instead. At your age, you should have an active and varied social life. Clubs, activities, weekends away...If that can't be with him as he cannot afford to keep up with you, so be it. He is prioritising his employment choice, that is his right. However his choice does not create an obligation on you to fund it. You have prioritised your accommodation and lifestyle. Both are valid. He may or may not be happy with these changes and withdrawal of support and may either leave you or decide to make earning more a higher priority. That is up to him though. If he won't stay with you unless you fund him at this stage of life, he is not a good long term bet anyway.

I know a few TAs and the wages are terrible. They’re unsustainable for people to live on, unless they have a partner who is happy to top them up.

What is his plan for his future? Does he foresee himself renting a room for the rest of his life? Does he not want to live independently?

if he loves his job and doesn’t want to leave it, could he take on a part time job around it for more money? As usually TA jobs are pretty much part time in my experience.

If you're in love with him and do want a future with him, have you considered him moving in with you and making properly arranged contributions to the household bills?

I don't know how much it costs to rent a room, but would what he's paying now be along the lines of what you would expect him to contribute? I'm not saying you should considering the obvious reservations you have about him being financially savvy, but is it something you've given thought to?

you know you can use water from the tap in an iron?

Flip the genders and the boyfriend earning more would never consider this a problem. They would think it is perfectly normal to pay more for their girlfriend.

There still exists a real hang-up over men who earn less though.

It needs to change because if we all want equal pay and earning between men and women, that means that roughly half of women will earn more than half of men (and the other way around). You can't have that, and still have the majority of women looking down on men who earn less. It isn't compatible.

If you want equality of earning and opportunity, you have to accept that there is no problem with either gender earning less.

And just as traditionally a higher earning husband expects to support a lower earning wife.. now a higher earning wife can see no wrong in supporting a lower earning husband

(Presuming all other things in the house are equal)

It sounds like he doesn't have a plan to change, or want to change, so you would be foolish to expect him to.

I’d be more concerned that he’s comfortable being in debt for 3 weeks of the month, and that he’s so comfortable with you subsidising him that he’s thinking of taking an even less well paid job without taking on another part time job to make up the shortfall. If he stays like this he will always be in debt, never have any savings, and you’ll never be able to buy a house or go on holiday unless you pay for everything. I am not particularly materialistic, and don’t need a partner with a high salary, but I would be uncomfortable at how this man can barely support himself and is relying on you to essentially ‘give’ him what is probably a few hundred pounds a month of meals, showers, laundry, snacks, and activities.

Does he work in the long school holidays? Friends of mine who are TAs without kids themselves pick up hours at holiday clubs etc. Or would he consider doing a qualification so that he can still work with young people but earn more ? Eg Careers Guidance? (Basically - is he motivated and does he have plans, or is he just ambling along?).

we have thought about him moving in. The problem is at the moment he owes a few thousands to his friend mum who he’s living with. He says he doesn’t want to leave until he’s paid her back. Which is fair enough

This. A TA's salary is not really sufficient to live on if that person is paying rent.

OP needs to decide whether she wants to subsidise another adult. And don't imagine he isn't aware of how useful it is for OP to pick up the tab for half his week's food, and his laundry.

A conversation is needed OP. You need to ask him to bring the ingredients for supper whenever he visits. Then you can cover shower gel, loo roll, water heating, phone charging, washing powder, water etc.

If he baulks at that, he's knowingly exploiting you. If he can't afford it, he needs to retrain or take a second job.

I have a friend who is a qualified teacher but she works as a TA as it's less stressful, no out of hours work and she gets her wages topped up by UC... no incentive to work more.
You're basically his UC.
I would suggest to you BF that you can not top up his salary. If he wants to continue working with children he should retrain as a teacher.

Too add she gives the room to him for cheap.

I strongly disagree with this. It’s fine that there’s an inequality in salary, but regardless of sex, everyone would want a partner who could at least cover their own costs, and who would have the nous to understand that if they were living with someone for half a week then they should at least stump up for a few meals and the products they use. He is living in debt for three weeks of the month and expecting the OP to cover his costs.

It's different if you're married. But as a new couple who don't live together it's unrealistic.

If they split up, how will he downgrade his job then?

Thats not your problem though (his finances) He cannot afford to do the job he loves and live.

I'd like to paint rocks all day, but I also need to work to pay for me to live.

If he is not willing to get a job that actually supports him, you need to cut him loose.

obviously its a financial mis-match from what you've said. nothing wrong with that but it seems its not sitting well with you and you're begrudging it. i'm a TA because i can afford to be one at this stage in life. he can't support himself financially and that's not fitting with your requirements. i'd call it quits.

We'd all like to do satisfying jobs that enable us to follow our dreams. But life costs money.

Ok, if you really want a future with him you need to sit him down and ask: what he wants from life, how he plans to address his debt, and how he plans to afford all of this (on the assumption that his future plans include children and a house, and not itinerant van life).

I get he loves his job, I do. I also had a very low paying job I adored. I gave it up because I wanted to be able to afford things like a house and a car and have a normal standard of living.

If his answer is "I don't know" or "well you can afford it for both of us" (or similar) then you need to have a serious think about whether this relationship moves forward.

It's one thing to do a job you love - nothing wrong with that. It's quite another to expect others to fund the lifestyle you want to enable you to keep that job. He needs a plan. He's 28 and by now he should have one.

Could you imagine if a bloke complained that his gf staying over was becoming a little expensive because of shower gel, some food and toilet roll!

He would be laughed out of town.