Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

What you describe he is doing as a job - when I was at school this was done by prefects during break time - it was a punishment for things like being late for school but no one missed a whole day of lessons to sit in silence all day doing nothing. Are you sure that's what happens?

Society needs good people to do jobs like these. And if you have kids, he will be available to do a lot of childcare. If the sexes were reversed, probably no one would be saying anything. Would you prefer a decent man doing such an important job, or an investment banker/mob lawyer/publicist for rapists who earns a fortune?

There is no evidence that he is a “good person” and this job is not particularly meaningful. He’s not actually teaching or nurturing at all . This is complete fantasy on his part.

When you think about TAs, they’re mums who have children, so outside work, they’re cooking, cleaning, ferrying their kids to and from etc. Many go on to train as teachers or high level TAs.

Someone who is 28 and heavily in debt hasn’t the luxury of reducing his hours to do a more nurturing job. On top of that, he’s abusing op’s hospitality, and not bringing anything to the table.

He's in massive debt that he's never going to earn enough to pay off and is leeching off the OP.

If my son was dating a girl who relied on him to support her then yes I would be very concerned. OP is young and starting out and doing her best to create a stable financial life for herself and her child. She doesn't need to take on the care and keeping of an entire other human being who is well capable of keeping himself - if he choses to.

Sometimes he comes over and not in a mean way will ask what we are eating. I usually cook in bulk and he will kind of say how he doesn’t want to eat the same thing on repeat. Which I get it but I’m almost like you can’t choose because you can’t afford to get yourself dinner right now.

Society doesn't need more people like this. Age 28 and relying on a 25 year old with a dependent child to subsidise him.

OP, you deserve better.

@Misssparkles2 you haven't actually answered the question I asked you - so you haven't confirmed that you've ended this relationship. Have you?

I mean who doesn’t want to do a job they love regardless of what it pays!! But that’s not reality. Most people have to make money to live, pay rent, be able to go out for dinner, etc. which often means doing a job they like less.
You will be supporting him forever.

Don’t be hard on her, it’s never easy to end a relationship. Let her do it her way at her own pace. This isn’t a tv drama, the outcome isn’t necessarily going to come when you demand it.

I'm not 'demanding' anything . And I know full well it's not EastEnders.

He should be ashamed really.

How can he be a TA by the way?.

Dont they stay with the teacher in a classroom not in a detention room.

I know someone a few streets away from mine who works for Evri as a courier he is 72 but does a few days to top up his police pension.

This 28 year old man is a total burk.

I doubt ops muppet boyfriend has a car or driving license plus he wouldn’t enjoy that so couldn’t possibly

She does mention that he struggles to get Petrol and this is one of the reasons he borrows money.

You’re right though, any normal person would look for a better paid job if they had to go into debt just to live. I mean he has a car and he has loads of time so things like Evri or Amazon Flex would be ideal.

He is lazy.
He is a free-loader.
He has no pride.
He has no ambition.
How does he enhance your life?

TAs are support staff in school, there are a variety of roles they do. Supporting in nurture bases, inclusion rooms, helping with interventions, supporting 1:1, providing cover etc are all common roles alongside supporting in classrooms.

All those people with their Gotcha ‘what if the roles were reversed’. Does this honestly sound like a man who will run the house and do the bulk of parenting and batch cook frugal meals?
The worst thing OP has disclosed about him is that he wants a child with her. When he’s broke, lazy and in massive debt.

Oh. And why on earth is he buying lunches? Sandwiches from home if you’re broke and in debt.

He supposedly had a loan on a pricey car that got repoed and sold for little because it was in bad shape. So he wants nice things but doesn't take care of them. And how did he get a car loan for a pricey car given his monthly income is like £1400?

Things don't add up here. And I notice too she's said they had a talk but not that she's told him they're done. Ticks can be hard to remove once they've attached.

Hi op no matter what his job is he will still earn over 20k so he must be able to afford some things. You could tell him to buy his own toiletries leave at your house, he uses water for the iron won’t do too much harm now and again. Let him buy the odd things on your dates if this doesn’t work then you stop seeing him and let someone else have him. You need to choose what you want for yourself.

You need the courage to be disliked by him.
You cant save a drowning man. He wants to drown, leave him to it.

If you havent already, end it.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for women to bw pragmatic when picking life partners and fathers for their children.

His "beautiful traumatised soul" blah blah doesnt pay the mortgage, do the dishes or remember the home insurance needs renewing.

I am the child of immigrants (ie zero generational wealth) I just dont have time for men who won't step up and step in.

I can recommend being single and staying single, then you have your nice things to yourself.
It works for me.

I doubt he’ll be on £20k will he?

He’s an entry level TA and around here they usually get minimum wage.

So even if he’s paid for the lunch break, which I very much doubt, he’ll be getting £12.71 for 30 hours a week but School is usually only 38 weeks a year, less if he’s working in a Public School.

I’ve just done the maths and if he is paid for his breaks it’s less than £14.5 k. Admittedly he won’t have many deductions at that rate though.

So he’s not really contributing in the way of NI or tax either.

The more i know about this many the more I think he’s an absolute parasite.

But his hands are NOT tied at all. His working day is undemanding and quite short, with lots of time left over in which he could be earning a few quid elsewhere.
But instead of that, he chooses to indulge his frankly worrying fantasy of some deeper ‘nurturing’ rôle at the school by lurking around the corridors and other people’s meetings, unpaid.
Then he comes ‘home’ to yours, flakes out and requires meals you’d never have budgeted for were it just you and your daughter there, and he never lifts a finger either of course, never mind make any pecuniary contribution.

The relationship is still young enough for these days to have still been full of delight in discovering things about each other, of exploring how great you are together.
Instead you have been cast as his drudge and provider, and are obliged to recut your carefully ordered cloth now to squeeze in his requirements as well as your own little family’s needs.
If you’d fancied this style of life, you could have gone back in time to some DH Lawrence novel, and lived as the wife of a Nottingham woman-loather!

It’s hard to guess what it is you find so lovable here, because you’ve presented a textbook cocklodger, which is a personality type unlovely enough to clamp yourself shut for good.

The pay is usually more for supervision of a Reflection Room, but the new guidance (released last week) says it should be a qualified teacher “delivering interventions” rather than someone supervising. It’s often a retired police officer who’s seen it all calmly supervising these rooms. It’s intended as containment rather than educational. TA pay is usually £12k to £17k a year outside London.