Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

And moaned that the (free) food that you cooked for him for half the week was boring and not varied enough for him?!

You’re blaming her?!

He needs a second job. TA role is what 25 hours a week. Its not enough to give on.

It depends.

You need to have an honest chat with him. His reaction will tell you everything. The fact he wants to pay back his friends mum before his moves in with you shows he isnt a complete user. Someone with no morals and no intention of paying back would jump at the chance. But, he is sleeping in a mattress in hos friends mums house. This guy isnt living a luxury life elsewhere. I think he is genuinely strapped for cash.. is he taking advantage?? I dont know. He sounds like he cant offer much money to you and maybe he thinks he doesnt have to or maybe he is embarrassed to bring it up. I dont know. You need to chat with him. Tell him about your additonal costs and how it isnt sustainable.

His reaction will tell u everything.

Is his parents in the picture? What made him become a TA? He seems a poor soul. Plus, if he has never had money. How did the dating stages go? How did it come up he was skint etc.

Plus, please dont move him in unless this is all sorted or agreed. Youve said the additonal cost is alot to you and if he moves in you will pay alot more with everything.

@Misssparkles2 Glad to hear your update but - have you actually told him it's over?

I'm part time and minimum wage as well. I bring home £1215 per month and pay rent, council tax, pet insurance, catalogue account, monthly transport costs and food out of that.
I work part time through choice because I have dogs.

If he comes over 3 times aweek there is no reason why he needs to be washing or ironing at yours, and he should provide a takeaway or similar for one of those nights to offset the extra cost of feeding him. The shower thing I would suggest he buys his own showergel to use at yours.
Having people visiting always costs extra, but it's a fine line between that and feeling exploited.
It does sound as if he is doing all the things to keep his life on track that cost money at your flat for preference.
You are only 25, I could certainly not have afforded to support an extra adult at that age, you should talk to him.

You should read the thread, or even just the OP's posts.

Outgoings greater than incomings and a casual debt arrangement- he needs to see a debt advisor. In the meantime he will just be taking whatever he can from wherever he can.
I understand you have feelings for him , but such a low paid job, which he refuses to change, and a debt arrangement that is designed never to be paid off is something you need to run not walk away from- resentment will only grow if he refuses to face up to the reality of his situation.

@Misssparkles2
Hope you are feeling ok. Two further points come to my mind:

a) The landlady of his pub may have no need to employ him as obviously her own son is the person to whom she wants to give work. She should be repaid in money, like anyone else. He needs to stop borrowing from her and set up a standing order to her each month, even if it’s only £20-£50 it is better than nothing.

b) The remark about ‘being on the side of the kids against the teachers’ really alarmed me. His boundaries seem loose and he needs to be really careful about his conduct at school, especially as he is working 1-1 with pupils. His phone should be in his locker, all day, and he can offer to do school admin work or read a book in any quiet time, preferably one about education or personal finance! If he is sitting there with his phone out then he is very, very vulnerable to accusations of misconduct. He must not, absolutely must not, film anything, take any pictures, airdrop funny memes to pupils and certainly not ever exchange numbers with pupils. One complaint could be all it takes, especially for someone whose contribution to teaching and learning is somewhat marginal.

Good luck, you have a decision to make and can still be a friend to him if you like.

Sounds good that you've had that conversation and you've realised it won't change.

I agree this screams of covert narcissist with a saviour complex. He is a freeloading child who is good at playing the victim card so that women will mother him and take responsibility for him. Those comments about saving children are a really really serious red flag

In the schools I've worked in, any TA trying to attend meetings or otherwise stay after the end of their contracted hours would be kindly but firmly told to go home as they're not being paid for that. As a teacher, I supervised isolation rooms during lunch & break times (on a rota with other staff). It is not tiring or difficult work and there is no reason why a TA doing that couldn't get another job at evenings or weekends. As others have said, there are plenty of more-nurturing jobs available as an alternative or as a second job.

Someone who really is nurturing would have been working hard to nurture you - doing the work of cooking, cleaning etc while he's at yours to compensate for the fact he can't contribute so much financially.

Of course his mental health is low - anyone living as a parasite unwilling to step up to adult responsibilities will not be able to have much self-respect. You are enabling his toxic lifestyle and the kindest thing you can do for him is to stop enabling the parasitical behaviour and force him to take responsibility for himself.

why I can’t wait around for him to sort himself out. because he'll never sort it out.

This!!

Why would a TA or other such school worker want to stay behind for something they are not involved in?.

If he isnt supposed to attend meetings why does he?. Dont the other staff try to stop him.

He thinks he can do a better job than the more qualified staff. Does he think they will sack them and make him head or something. He is daft as a brush.

There was another poster a while back who's husband was also staying late unnecessarily in a TA job.

It's probably an excuse for not doing anything else.

Let him go now

Sounds like you two have had a serious chat about your financial incompatibility. Well done for laying it out and establishing that realistically he has no intention of changing.
Now you have to be strong and not have him creep back in with some desperate excuses, if for no other reason that its not good for your child to have someone coming and going who isn't a long term prospect and there's the risk of pregnancy too.
Focus on your savings plan and the way forward for you and your child. It sounds like you are one of life's hard workers and I hope it all works out for you.

A lot of TAs I know I w have done training courses to become qualified. If I recall, there’s different levels of TA. Why hasn’t the partners done this?

You can also use water from a condensing tumble dryer or dehumidifier.
Yes it might be cheap to buy but you have got to get it transported. You can always add a drop of scent yourself.

The nurturing talk is a load of tosh. His job isn’t nurturing, he isn’t relating to the children who he is supervising, he isn’t teaching them, he isn’t talking through what brought them into isolation. He is sitting all day stopping them from talking to each other. The whole nurturing thing is in his brain, he isn’t their friend, he isn’t their teacher , or teaching assistant in any sense of the word. He is the equivalent of a guard sitting next to a defendant in court who thinks he is as smart as the lawyer and the judge.

I think he lives in a Walter Mitty fantasy world where he sees himself in a very positive and noble light, sees his depression as a result of things that happened in his past but does nothing to remedy his mental state, he barely accepts responsibility for his debts and has excuses for those, and doesn’t realise that he is only being sustained by sponging off other people.

I think that’s a fairly good summary

I was thinking more of Billy Liar than Walter Mitty.

Not just that but he bigs up what he really does at work.

In his head he is a working class hero saving the kids from the horrid teachers.

Does he go to any meetings?. I find that hard to believe.

He is almost 30 time to put the big boy pants on.