Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

He is a fantasist relying on women to fund him. He is a gold digger. If he moves in with you, you will have to earn significantly more to cover his costs full time, to cover holidays for both of you, to cover all entertainment and you wont be able to take maternity leave or have the option of working part time with a small child.

When he is at your house almost half the week is he cleaning and cooking every night?

Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do
seriously, you are so young, why have you chosen this one with thousands of debt anf without an ounce of ambition? He will never be out of debt because his money lasts for one week out of a month. Your entire life with him will be finding out what new debt he is in.

Thank god for this! I missed a page i think when i responded before. He will never change. He will ruin your life and your credit rating. Every penny to him is a penny away from your child. He has now told you he is selfish. He uses women. He is living on someones floor ffs. I am so pleased you have seen sense.

He’s very much ‘woe is me’ and I don’t think he sounds like he’s prepared to put the work in. He just wants to be carried and elicit sympathy.

Very much agree @NNforthispost - but if @Misssparkles2 proposed he re-train for better paid and upskilled jobs & he makes excuses, then she has pretty vital information about this man! Asking him about a second job, or retraining might really reveal what his plans for the future are, and give the OP necessary information.

OP, you may love him, but you are simply incompatible for a lifetime relationship. This is as bad as two people who are totally different sexually, or two people where one wants six pets and the other doesn't want to share their home with animals. These people might have all manner of friendship and love and sex connections, but none of that means they're right for each other for a lifetime.

The most worrying thing about your guy is not that he's only a TA now, it's that he apparently has no plans to earn more than minimum wage, ever. Well, that would give me the ick straight off.

Debt, a mattress on the floor, one work shirt, not even enough money for milk? Come on, OP. Love yourself a little more. This is crazy.

He needs to work in the pub evenings and weekends as well as his TA job or work at holiday camps in the school hols to supplement his hobby job. What does he do in the long summer holidays with no ape money? If he loves his job and wants to continue with it he needs a second income too

Not the point of the thread, but I don’t understand how anybody could enjoy a job that involves sitting in a room in silence with some kids, 5 days a week. It sounds horrendous to me.

So does that mean that you’ve ended the relationship?

Like others have said, do be wary of him pulling the MH card and trying to manipulate you again. If you have ended things he won’t be happy as you’re his gravy train.

If you e not ended things I hope at least you’ll give yourself a week of not seeing him so that you can think about things clearly without him in your home.

And make sure your contraception is rock solid. The last thing you need for you or your DC is being tied to this loser for ever.

The OP has been asked several times now what he does in the School holidays and she’s not answered yet.

"I usually cook in bulk and he will kind of say how he doesn’t want to eat the same thing on repeat." Answer is - well that would be nice but you'll need to buy the ingredients.
What's he doing over the 6 weeks holiday? Does he get a second job in a holiday club setting to boost his income?
As others have said he's in a good place a vocational job and a girlfriend that pays for everything so he can manage his debt. And why does he have debt? Because he's spending beyond his income. So he needs to either increase his income, reduce his spending, or sponge off someone else...
You're being taken advantage of. If I stayed with my boyfriend when that age I'd take my own shower gel etc and pay for all of the food as they paid the gas etc.
If you want to stay with him you need to tell his he needs to earn more, summer job, second job like in the pub. You need to push back, he needs to pay for 50% of food, bring his own toiletries, do his laundry at the pub, and see what happens. I think once the cushy money saving option of staying with you isn't so cushy he won't be as nice or interested.

First post nails it as usual.
It’s sad especially as you like him so much but eventually you’ll resent his lack of ambition and salary.

He doesn't want help. He's got a plan. His plan is to accumulate more debt and live off others, particularly the OP. So many posters saying 'maybe he could do x'. He doesn't want to. He has no interest in doing things differently, except working and earning less. That's his plan.

It sounds like he wants to just have what he wants out of life without putting in the effort required. He wants expensive clothes and different food every night but he can’t accept that of you do a low paid job for the love of it, you don’t get those luxuries.

He needs to stop accepting more money from this woman. And working off the debt in the pub is an excellent idea! To be honest anyone who finished work even at 5pm could squeeze in a little bit of extra work even if it’s stuffing envelopes (do you still get jobs like that these days?!) When he could leave work earlier than that he’s definitely avoiding the opportunity for an evening job

He could also start by buying a pack of boxers and some shirts from primark, he’d get change from a tenner and could go a few more days between washes!

But he won’t do that, because washing at your house is convenient for him. The fact it costs money for YOU is irrelevant for him

Well done OP, stick to your guns. It's not easy but it will get easier.

I missed this post last night. Well done-are you splitting up?

Being with someone with huge
debt, who sleeps on a mattress on the floor in a pub, has one change of clothes, works a low paid job and makes no effort to get another, blags staying at yours half the week without paying and has the cheek to moan at the food you provide… is really not a keeper. He’s a waster whose lifestyle is being propped up by women with better jobs than him. What a crappy role model for your child.

I couldn’t even respect a man who can’t even support himself financially, never mind love him!

This is a grown arsed man, with huge debt by the sounds of it, working a minimum wage job, sponging off his girlfriend.

Hard pass!

He's not nurturing though is he OP? He doesn't nurture you or your child, he TAKES from you and USES you. His 'nurturing' hands happily take things your kind nature give and he gives NOTHING back with his supposed 'empathetic' and 'nurturing' nature. He wants to help kids but sponges of a single mother so in extension sponges off your child.
No, just no. It's grim OP.

If he loved you and was truly nurturing as he falsely claims he would get a second job and contribute instead of taking. He claims he's 'too tired' however - a healthy man in his 20's? Come on OP, he's taking the piss. He may well be 'nice' in other ways but at his core he is SELFISH and pretends to be a poor little self proclaimed victim to avoid any responsibility.

Put your child first FFS, your child is the only person you should be supporting, not this loser.

"Misssparkles2 · Yesterday 21:59
He understood where I was coming from and confirmed that he’s in a low place mentally and because of it, he is selfish. That is why he basically does what makes him feel happy so he can feel better about his mental state
He understood how I was feeling and why I can’t wait around for him to sort himself out. Overall I said I’ve worked hard to be where I am today and I want a certain life an I can’t afford to be stagnant at this age. And he said if the roles where reversed he would do the same as me too"

It's great he was honest. His position is inadequate - if he began to properly make an effort to adult, that long term is what would make him happier. And even when you tell him you can't go on like this, he still isn't willing to pull his finger out. But at least he was honest. Hopefully, that means the relationship is over.

Totally agree

No he won’t do that as he’ll only wear Calvin Klein underwear the OP has said. 😂 His empathetic nature extends to his Calvins but not the OP and her child. It’s embarrassing.

This. If you eventually want to marry and have DC I don't think it will work with this man unless he does teacher training. If he did that he'd have hard times while training on a student loan but then once he's qualified he'd earn about £34k a year but it would go up each year as he went up the Teachers Salary Scale.

But would it be ok if they ate your food and used your stuff and never reciprocated? Especically when they know that you dont earn a hell of a lot?

where is the partnership?

Maybe a controversial opinion but given he earns less due to being a teaching assistant you could have quite a good set up between you if you wanted children in the future. He would have all the holidays off which makes the job much higher in value than the pay check.

In a committed relationship you have to see the money as family money really. Appreciate you are still relatively early days in your relationship. There will always be one member of the partnership who earns more but it'smuch easierif you see yourself as a team. Thankfully my husband has always taken that attitude.

Retired secondary headteacher here. I've seen this sort of man in school before (and interestingly, it's never a woman) who has 'saviour syndrome', thinking he's the one to "nurture" the children with behavioural difficulties and 'put them right'. They're walking red flags, to be honest.

OP, you've said on another thread that he's "amazing" and you were even considring having a child with him. Gently, DO NOT. He's not "amazing", he's wearing you down through his leeching off you. This is money you should be spending on your existing child.

This.

Plus this grown arse man is taking money from your pot that could be being spent on your child that you are actually responsible for. Put your child first.

If you want to stay with him then put some boundaries in place. No more washing his stuff on your dime, he can only stay over 2x week and he pays for the ingredients for the meal on one of those nights plus he brings his own toiletries with him and doesn’t use yours. And he makes a commitment to sorting extra employment and works on debt recovery plan.

or ditch the leeching narcissistic cocklodger.

my option would be door number 2; no one is that good in bed to keep him around