Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

@Misssparkles2 I'm sure you're feeling sad but it is for the best to end it. You deserve an equal partner.

And the more you write, the more delusional he sounds. He has no real experience in dealing with kids if he just runs the detention room and they all have to sit in silence. But he thinks he can do better than qualified teachers. He only has one work shirt because he likes expensive brands and won't wear anything else. He will never get out of debt and his mood is unlikely to ever improve because he can't find joy in what he has. And doesn't seem to understand what hard work really looks like.

I wish you all the best with saving for your own house and your future.

I'd dump him for the 1 shirt. What kind of idiot thinks that's better than getting some shirts from vinted or a charity shop. One pair of Calvin Kleins. Do me a favour.

Sometimes he comes over and not in a mean way will ask what we are eating. I usually cook in bulk and he will kind of say how he doesn’t want to eat the same thing on repeat.

@Misssparkles2, read again what you have written. Im sorry but hes taking advantage of you.

Bloody cheek expecting you to provide and pay for all the food, and then thinks hes going to dictate what you eat too!

It really isn't as easy as that. Can he afford to take the years out to go to uni and do the training as well ?

Good for you OP, I'm glad you've laid your cards on the table like that.

He really does have a victim mentality, I know a few people like it in real life, it's always someone else's fault why they are stalling in their life or unable to succeed at anything, they genuinely see their life as something that is happening to them rather than something they are fully in control of.

They are so mentally draining to be around, I think you've done well to stick it out this far, but it's not selfish to want more for yourself and your life.

Why can’t he earn more money working in a part time job? He lives above a pub so could possibly get a few hours there? He’s only a young man. He’s not got a house to run so it would give him extra to buy a few more clothes and pay off his debt.

My god - he’s tired after finishing work 3.30 but stays til after 5? That’s still a shorter working day than most people. He also has weekends he could work.. he’s a lazy and irresponsible and he doesn’t need to work extra as you’re feeding him etc.

Try reading the OP's many other posts. It's about a lot more than shower gel.

The suggestion that he should train as a teacher is laughable. Even if he has the academic ability he shows no sign whatsoever of wanting to make any effort at all to improve his situation.

He loves his job & puts all his energy into it. Fair enough. BUT he can only do this because other people are subsidizing him, he isnt doing anything in return for the OP.
A relationship should be mutually beneficial. This set up is not symbiotic, it is parasitic and @Misssparkles2 is the host

As others have said. It just needs a conversation. If he can't contribute his share financially, ask him to take on more responsibility when he stays over for chores so at least you're getting a rest from that!

And ask him to get a 2nd job during school holidays. Remember they get twice as many as anyone else each year and because he isn't a teacher, he doesn't have to do even one minute of work during his hols. He can get added to bank staff for children's homes or any type of care home and he'll pick up loads of shifts or bar tending work - can earn 1 or 2k easily in the summer holidays alone. That will go towards his debts.

Figure out what you'd be happy with in terms of finances / household responsibility and just talk it through. I wouldn't be paying for dates though.. to be honest, and I know this isn't popular these days, just speaking as an older and wiser woman, if the man isn't able or willing to support you financially / pay for dates.. that just doesn't do it for me anymore. I never used to let anyone pay for anything for me until recently. Age and experience do that to you. I can't even fully articulate what changed my mind. Biology? Haha no clue.

I was about to say exactly this.

It's true that when people are low or very stressed they can be more selfish. I do think he should stop working for free. Wishing you both the best.

He’s a scrounger. And you are a pushover. No guy with any self respect leeches off his gf. He might want to go half on everything but not be a parasite. We’d all love to just do what we like / love to do, but life demands we pay our way, so he needs an extra job , part time even, to make up to what he needs. Or else you heed to accept things and get on with it.
You complain, but then make excuses for him. Either get rid, or bite the bullet and accept things.

@Altitudecheck I agree . I'm just showing that he really has no excuse for this crap

Think of it like this OP, you are paying for him to work for free. How would he cover the costs of food & laundry if you werent providing it?

if I wanted to spend time with someone and enjoyed their company, a couple of showers a week and done washing clothes at mine wouldn’t even register as a problem!

I think you're trying to behave very ethically & openly. You appreciate his vocation. You also see him as a fundamentally "good" person.

BUT ....

Look at how his vocation to work with children in a low paid job is facilitated by women - you, and his family friend.

And look at how he uses the "goodness" of his work - nurturing, working with children, to make you feel like you're being a bit venal in counting the pennies. He doesn't have to, because he is doing "good" work, and sacrificing filthy lucre to "nurture" children. But he's being subsidised by women.

It could develop into a pretty manipulative situation.

He needs to get a second job, basically.

dont let him move in by stealth OP

But reading your updates I wouldn’t be moving in with him until he was in a better financial position

He really needs to get an additional job
evening/weekend/during school holidays to get out of debt if he wants to carry on in his actual job. If the job doesn't pay enough then he needs to be realistic and do something about it and stop living in cuckoo land.

OP, you’re absolutely right to be concerned. None of this is standard adult behaviour, and the pattern you’re describing is a long list of red flags that point to instability, dependency, and very poor boundaries.

This isn’t 'a bit of financial trouble', it’s a whole lifestyle built on other people carrying him.

Financial dependency – a grown man being funded weekly by someone else’s mum is NOT normal. The 'informal' debt arrangements –cash handouts, low rent, and ongoing repayments with no structure are a huge concern and infer loan‑shark style dynamics – weekly repayments to a non‑relative are a major red flag!

The £30k debt – this is really serious, and he has no real plan to address it. He has no intention to increase his income – he is refusing extra work while relying on others (you!) - this is completely irresponsible. He is sponging off you – he is staying at yours, using your expensive products, eating your food, contributing nothing.

His sense of entitlement – he has the cheek to be criticising your bulk meals while living off other people’s generosity. This is such an unequal relationship dynamic – you’re providing stability; he’s providing an ongoing drain on your resources and nothing else.

Financial irresponsibility – high debt, low income, no budgeting, no plan. There are such coercive undertones – pushing you to change your spending to suit him. How dare he!!

Major responsibility avoidance – he’s not taking ownership of any part of his life and the 'hero complex' at work – this is not appropriate professional behaviour. There are clear boundary issues in his TA role – over‑identifying with vulnerable pupils is a massive safeguarding concern - his attitude towards his role is so worrying.

It is emotional instability masked as saviour behaviour – the rescuer narrative is a huge red flag. His unstable living arrangements – living above a pub, subsidised by someone else’s mum. Also elements of possible grooming – adults giving weekly money to unrelated adults is just not normal. It has become an enabling environment – everyone around him keeps him dependent (according to him).

It appears guilt and sympathy are his coping mechanisms, he has precarious living arrangements but he wants your standard of living without contributing anything. He chooses to use your expensive products like they’re communal.

This is likely to escalate OP, debt and dependency and entitlement rarely improves. How is this sustainable??

You’re seeing the situation clearly: he’s not in a temporary rough patch, he’s living a pattern of dependency and avoidance. You’re already carrying more than you should, and he’s already taking more than he should.

Its not fair on you and your family OP, you do NOT have to put up with it.

I also suggest you consider making a Clares Law application ASAP. There are too many red flags to count 😞

So sorry OP

I agree with (I think it was) who identified him as having covert narcissist tendencies. There is a wealth of work on this kind of person. They often present (and think of themselves) as “sweet and innocent ,” longing for support, deserving/striving for caregivers, too good for this world, too fragile to manage, sacrificing for the community/children, accepting low wages to bravely care for others, on a special mission that others may not appreciate.

This is so true @pikkumyy77 I was a teen in the late 1970s, and I recognise this type of man - a hippy, ready to condemn others, but living off women.

@Misssparkles2 he could retrain as a social worker, a nanny, a. childcare provider - all these would pay a lot more, and would actually be actively caring, rather than basically supervising children, which is hardly "nurturing."

@Wadsworthy but retraining in those roles would involve a lot of hard work and commitment and this man leeching off OP is tired and worn down by working much less hours than a standard PT role, let alone in something like social work which is difficult mentally, and tiring with long days. He’s very much ‘woe is me’ and I don’t think he sounds like he’s prepared to put the work in. He just wants to be carried and elicit sympathy.

OP you’re worth so much more and he’s just messing you around. You deserve more in life.

We used to have this show in Canada called till debt do us part. It's still on YouTube. I don't know if he'd be interested in that but it might help him. He probably feels the debt is so big that what's the point. But he can work his way out of it, or maybe declare bankruptcy. Obviously the personal debt should be cleared.

I think OP will need to be very alert against his then pulling some manipulative guilt-tripping self-harm/ sabotage shit at the prospect of being without her, poor lamb.

Don’t fall for any such ruse!