Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

802 replies

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:02

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

OP posts:
Kevinbaconsrealwife · 02/07/2026 19:06

BIWI · 02/07/2026 10:08

Have you actually talked to him about this?

It's all very well him continuing in a low paid job because he loves it, but you paying for all the stuff he's using/needs is like you've become his parent.

You need to have a very frank and honest discussion about this if you see a future in the relationship.

Every word of this…x

gardenflowergirl · 02/07/2026 19:06

You are wasting your life with this guy, he's incapable of getting himself out of that much debt. Don't have him living with you as you don't want any debts registered at your property that you could end up being liable for. You have a child to think of and he's never going to be a responsible adult. You say you love him, but you are already starting to resent him, he's not going to change so your resentment is only going to grow. You need to get yourself out of this relationship as it's only going to cost you money and ill feelings on his incompetence.

InterIgnis · 02/07/2026 19:07

shuggles · 02/07/2026 19:00

@Misssparkles2 I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

It is fair, because the blunt truth is that this is the very nature of a relationship. Two people live together and their finances become pooled finances.

If you break up with him and look for someone who earns the same as you or more, you're going to find yourself with very restricted prospects. Men are earning less nowadays, and will continue to earn less and less into the future. A growing % of men don't have a job at all because it's currently impossible to find one.

Bullshit. He’s in a particularly poor financial situation with no desire to improve it. What he offers her is burden.

He’s not a partner, he’s a parasite looking for a host.

SplishSplash123 · 02/07/2026 19:08

I'm not normally one for being unsupportive of people who are the lower earner in a relationship.

However, if you are saying that your boyfriend can't even afford milk to bring to yours - have you given some thought to how he would afford life as a single person? The answer is he can't. So how can you be sure his relationship with you is entirely based on his feelings for you, and not in some way a necessity for him to survive.

Please dont be reeled in by his talk of the job being because he likes a nurturing role. We all work to afford our lives. He can't afford his. As a TA, does he take on second jobs in the holidays to boost his earnings?

With the shower gel etc - just buy him the very cheapest supermarket one, same with the washing powder. And he needs to contribute to food costs.

You mention "work lunches" - is he buying food at school? He needs to make himself cheap packed lunches!

Cherriesandapples1 · 02/07/2026 19:08

shuggles · 02/07/2026 19:00

@Misssparkles2 I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

It is fair, because the blunt truth is that this is the very nature of a relationship. Two people live together and their finances become pooled finances.

If you break up with him and look for someone who earns the same as you or more, you're going to find yourself with very restricted prospects. Men are earning less nowadays, and will continue to earn less and less into the future. A growing % of men don't have a job at all because it's currently impossible to find one.

I'm sure she'd manage to find someone more financially responsible than this man. The earning don't have to be identical or more, but they need to be able to pay for their own life without taking from op and her child. She's better off financially single than in a relationship with him

CharlieEffie · 02/07/2026 19:09

StillgotmyiPod · 02/07/2026 10:12

Why don't you start staying at his a bit more to balance things out? It's always going to feel unbalanced if you're only ever staying at one person's place.

You say he doesnt expect you to fund him so is offering to contribute? If yes than accept it? If not ask him to or ask him to shower/wash his clothes at home before he comes over

ExplodingSmittens · 02/07/2026 19:10

BleedinglyObvious · 02/07/2026 18:52

Female breadwinner - tough decision on expanding family | Mumsnet

Are women really this desperate for a man?

I’ve just read the OP’s posts in this thread. So in April she told him he needs to step up and get another job. It’s now July and he’s still not done it.

I wonder what he did with his time at Half term and what he’s planning for the Summer Holidays? My hunch is that it won’t involve making more money to pay off his debts.

CharlieEffie · 02/07/2026 19:11

You say he doesnt expect you to fund him so is offering to contribute? If yes than accept it? If not ask him to or ask him to shower/wash his clothes at home before he comes over0

nooneliterallyspatouttheirtea · 02/07/2026 19:12

JHound · 02/07/2026 15:59

The replies would be the same.

Show quote history

Yes. A female poster who did this would be quite rightly called a massive grifter.

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/07/2026 19:13

If you want kids and a mortgage it wont happen with him, if you want to rent forever and him never to have any money and move in with you but not anything as he lives in debt then carry on,.what are his good points as hes scrounging off you, hes in debt and 28 and living in a pub, youre doing his washing and feeding him and he doesnt take you out and spoil you or take you on holiday,

Oldmamabear · 02/07/2026 19:16

ExplodingSmittens · 02/07/2026 19:03

I think you might need to go over the thread again and read the OP’s posts. He’s not paying half, he’s expecting the OP to provide food 3 nights a week, which he then complains about, to not contribute to any household costs and then if they do ever go out, the OP has to foot the entire bill.

He also has a rather large debt and the OP is saving for her own place. Everything he brings to the relationship has the potential to be life changing for the OP, especially if the new laws in cohabitation and separation come into play.

Show quote history

I never said he was paying half. You missed the point being made. Oh well...

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/07/2026 19:19

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:34

With his job he loves it so much. He was even thinking about taking more of a pay cut to take a role that means he can be more nurturing. Basically once he’s paid for his lunches at work, petrol, rent to the room he lives in and debt he’s got no money left. Like I mean nothing to even buy milk for when he comes to mine

Can you hear yourself girl seriously give your neck a wobble , he brings nothing to the table, this isnt love hes using you, hide the shower gel and loo roll and next time he arrives hungry say you ate at lunchtime and youve had a snack and you are ok, if he heads to the kitchen say sorry theres only enough food for me this week, dont even allow him toast, see if he stays or goes back to the pub for them to feed him

Geminispark · 02/07/2026 19:20

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:34

With his job he loves it so much. He was even thinking about taking more of a pay cut to take a role that means he can be more nurturing. Basically once he’s paid for his lunches at work, petrol, rent to the room he lives in and debt he’s got no money left. Like I mean nothing to even buy milk for when he comes to mine

Ha thinking of taking a pay cut becuase you’re subsidising him. He’s a piss taker and it’s not going to get better. Find your equal, you’ll be happier

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/07/2026 19:22

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 10:37

We’ve spoken about it but I can see how his hands are tied. I love him a lot and it’s so hard because I feels like having a relationship is expensive. Even if we do something cheap like go for a walk, water and snack will need to be brought as we will eventually get hungry and naturally because he’s not got the funds for it I will have to pay. So indoors or outdoors I’m covering it. I know it’s £5-£15 here and there but end of month it adds up and although I have money to live it’s not the type of money where I can just spend without budgeting

Edited

Who taught you to keep a man you have to pay for him, you dont have to pay for him, id love to see how long he stays around if you stop paying for him or is that your fear he will leave if you stop paying

Error404FucksNotFound · 02/07/2026 19:24

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 12:12

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife I looked at it like he’s struggling to face it. If support him he can get himself in a better financial place

Show quote history

You are his "better financial place".
Please dont be.

Violinorbanjo · 02/07/2026 19:24

He is only taking the easy way because you did let him do it so far. There are married women on here who pay for their husbands as they are lower earners. May be they give advice. Depending do you love him enough...

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/07/2026 19:26

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 11:26

@wherearethesnacks I earn enough to live independently. I save quite a large chunk as I’m saving for a mortgage deposit. It’s the extra cost of having a relationship mean my budget for expenses are increasing rather than me saving it for a deposit

Show quote history

But you are not saving for a mortgage you are keeping him!!! When i saved for a mortgage by myself i lived on £10 a week and no i didnt have any extra money, do yourself a favour seriously save for that mortgage and dont spend a penny more on him

SparklesWithSynergy · 02/07/2026 19:27

HairyCalifornia · 02/07/2026 18:57

Shower Gel? You have got to be fucking kidding me.
I thought you were going to complain about the expensive private limo you use and the tickets to see Lilly Allen in concert

Shower Gel?

😂

If you think it's just about a shower gel then you've not been paying attention

SplishSplash123 · 02/07/2026 19:31

Misssparkles2 · 02/07/2026 15:22

Honestly, I completely get what everyone is saying and it’s the truth. And I read this book called The courage to be disliked. It basically had a part saying people don’t change their bad situations even if they make out that they hate it because it serves them and their agenda. For him he didn’t step up because he knows he’s going to be bailed out. He knows being unstable gives him more stability that he doesn’t have to fend for himself. The pub is a soft place even though he hasn’t got a bed frame when he’s there he can order food from the pub that is in his rent he pays. Having more money means having to work harder and do more but if he has less someone like me will sustain him.

im being stupid and I know it. I can see beauty in him and I wish he would step up but stepping up is scary. No one fends for me and I can say it’s hard and scary when everything depends on you and your input to life.

I am getting to the point of it’s actually better to give myself a good shot find someone similar to me. It would also take the burden off of me. I just need to find the courage as sad as it sounds to call it off and walk away

Edited

I replied before seeing this, sorry.

Just wanted to say that it takes courage to walk away from someone you love and care about, but it will 100% be worth it. Your feelings for this man are already struggling to reconcile with the reality of his life, and the choices he has made, but there is no good ending to this. He is in a bad place financially and has no plans to change things for himself. You will lose so much, not just money but your self-esteem and self-worth, he's in a sinking ship and instead of bailing himself out he's actually asking you to leave the shore and come and get in and do it for him.

Violinorbanjo · 02/07/2026 19:32

I could not read all your updates young lady. All whiney whiney why he can't pay you ...well, ditch the shit guy then

nooneliterallyspatouttheirtea · 02/07/2026 19:33

@Misssparkles2 I think there are a lot of posters on Mumsnet who have no idea what it's like to work and live independently in their 20s, especially as a single parent. You deserve your treats. You have life plans. Kudos to you. Your relationship should not be costing you a penny. You sound really resourceful.

This man is 100% a grifter. I notice how nothing is his fault. School takes advantage of him 🤔. It's the fault of his landlady who gives him cheap accommodation that he keeps getting more and more debt with her 🤔. He's in a ton of debt but he's planning to reduce his income. His only solution to any of the challenges in his life is that other people need to subsidise him more. He puts his own needs first every single time. He doesn't even contribute in kind. He's a child who wants to be adopted. He's not an adult capable of being in a relationship. Eighteen month in, you should be having a wonderful time. You shouldn't be trying to work out how he can stop grifting.

Oh and by the way, when you (eventually) end the relationship, you will acquire responsibility for the mess he's in. 'Oh MissSparkles dumped me and broke my heart. I couldn't cope and got into so much debt. We were supposed to move in together and she just left me completely in the shit'. Do yourself a favour and don't put yourself through any more of this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/07/2026 19:36

PetulaGordeno · 02/07/2026 18:57

I’ve just read that. Same poster, bit of a different narrative.
I don’t think any advice offered will be taken I’m afraid.

Show quote history

I've just read it too and it says "I need him to be home as soon as his contracted day ends ..." (not to come round, but home) which makes it sound that they're already living together?

I only mention it because 2 months later it appears they're not ... "we've talked about him moving in"

Hmmmm

Floralibra · 02/07/2026 19:36

Sorry OP that doesn’t sound like a TA at all? What would the job that’s a pay cut be? He’s literally just sitting in the detention room all day every day? He could also be making his lunches to save money and lots of other thing appl have suggested but he’s just full of excuses? His mums friend sounds horrendous as well. He shouldn’t be paying back as much each month if he then has to borrow more?

Violinorbanjo · 02/07/2026 19:41

Floralibra · 02/07/2026 19:36

Sorry OP that doesn’t sound like a TA at all? What would the job that’s a pay cut be? He’s literally just sitting in the detention room all day every day? He could also be making his lunches to save money and lots of other thing appl have suggested but he’s just full of excuses? His mums friend sounds horrendous as well. He shouldn’t be paying back as much each month if he then has to borrow more?

It does not make any sense. My husband is a teacher, works very part time and manages to finance the whole life we got in Surrey, I keep all my salary and just give him some add ons when needed

MILLYmo0se · 02/07/2026 19:42

I'm still confused why he can't move in with you, pay half the rent and still pay back the debt to the other woman?
I'm wondering is this a trauma response to his mother's tragic death, and this is almost a substitute mother relationship for him, it seems very emeshed and messy
And don't let him use your fancy shower gel etc! Buy the cheapest own brand gel or soap and washing powder and that is his ( better yet he buy it but I don't know that that will happen). He needs to bulk out his dinners with beans, pulses, frozen veg etc

Swipe left for the next trending thread