Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

The OP is seeking advice on the general principle of her situation, it’s not fair to ask for these details.

Then he can look at a role which does that which will be higher paid

Or he gets a second one in the holidays/weekends/evening

Sounds like he's quite good at getting women to feel sorry for him and subsidize him, unless you want to be one of his sugar mummies I'd say you're not compatible OP.
At least stop paying for things for him and see how that goes down.

Wouldn't we all love to be in a job that we enjoy. Sometimes we have to make the tough decisions to work in boring, demeaning, relentless roles in order to make some decent cash and sort our lives out. He can go back to TA work in the future if thats what he wants. His immediate priority now though is to clear his shit load of debt. Cast him free with he caveat that when he's sorted his life out you'd love to reconnect. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they make a change.

He sounds like a complete financial waster. He has no ambition to be able to earn enough to support himself and sounds like he would bleed you dry going forwards.

Please, do yourself and your child a favour and walk away, you deserve better. There's something about his whole situation/set up that just does not feel right to me.

Jesus, he complains about the food you give him! If he said that to me I'd turn into my mother: 'EAT IT OR WEAR IT'.
You say he's a lovely guy, that's for the purposes of keeping you sweet while he works on getting unfettered access you your money @Misssparkles2

He's Peter Pan. Refusing to grow up.

You have a real child already OP. You don't need to carry this man child let alone make another baby with him!!

Put your actual child - and yourself - first and lose the loser. It's sad about his Mum but that doesn't give him an excuse to freeload and mooch off other people.

He can't afford to be in a relationship, simple as that. He hasn't got money to go on a date, yet he has no intention of improving his finances, he even has aged debt, lovely as he is this is not feasible long term

He wants a baby because it would give him access to your income OP.

I think the shower gel and "ironing fluid" (?!) are a bit of a red herring.

Presumably he's eating at yours 3 times a week and if you're picking up the bill for that it won't be cheap with the cost of food having shot up in the last few years.

I’m another who wonders why he isn’t spending his evenings and weekends working in the pub for free or doing jobs like Amazon Flex, Uber or Ubereats.

What exactly does he do for the weeks that School is out? Is he planning on doing sweet FA for 6 weeks?

He’s had a car on finance and stopped paying. He works essentially part time. He has a huge amount of debt compared to his income and he’s showing no signs of wanting to either earn more or commit to paying of his debt.

And the CF complains about the free food he gets at your house.

This isn’t someone who is kind or nice and at your age with a relationship of 1.5 years, these should be the good times.

YABU in staying in the relationship in my opinion.

He dont got time to work another job, he gotta train up his sugar mummy!

When ive been truly in love with someone I wasnt capable of evaluating them on a practical level. Some earnt more than me some didn't. Some were tidier than me some were not. If you love each other stuff like this doesnt matter, you accept things are not perfect. He may have things about you he finds hard to stomach or doesnt agree with but says nothing because he loves you so accepts everything that comes with you. Maybe he helps you out in other ways? Maybe you take that for granted? Unless he is completely taking the piss all round you have to accept he choose a job based on what he enjoys not earning potential. Its part of who he is. Would you be happy with a boyfriend that earns more and if they did would you post on here if he expected you to pay half of everything but he earnt more and you think that unfair? Hes doing a worthwhile job. Instead of comparing bank accounts maybe you could be proud of him?

I have only just realised you have a child?!!!!
Christ on a bike don’t let a man take from you like this.
What do your parents think?

What should she be proud of him doing exactly

Op sounds like bf is in a debt spiral that can’t get out of. If you plan to be together long term youve got to accept being breadwinner, but, you could possibly feel resentment in future and change your mind.

its a difficult one as u love him, but I can see there being big financial incompatibility ahead that will be hard to overcome as u already are getting resentful over shower gel, what’s it’s going to be like when u are paying for all the childcare or cars etc?

I would move on now and don’t drag it out as it seems you want someone on your financial level

Then he needs to

get a weekend job to supplement his wages

apply to be a HLTA to earn more

retrain to be a teacher

Oldmamabear · Today 18:38
When ive been truly in love with someone I wasnt capable of evaluating them on a practical level. Some earnt more than me some didn't. Some were tidier than me some were not. If you love each other stuff like this doesnt matter,

It does matter. It matters an awful lot.

Female breadwinner - tough decision on expanding family | Mumsnet

Are women really this desperate for a man?

Shower Gel? You have got to be fucking kidding me.
I thought you were going to complain about the expensive private limo you use and the tickets to see Lilly Allen in concert

Shower Gel?

😂

I’ve just read that. Same poster, bit of a different narrative.
I don’t think any advice offered will be taken I’m afraid.

@Misssparkles2 I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

It is fair, because the blunt truth is that this is the very nature of a relationship. Two people live together and their finances become pooled finances.

If you break up with him and look for someone who earns the same as you or more, you're going to find yourself with very restricted prospects. Men are earning less nowadays, and will continue to earn less and less into the future. A growing % of men don't have a job at all because it's currently impossible to find one.

I think you might need to go over the thread again and read the OP’s posts. He’s not paying half, he’s expecting the OP to provide food 3 nights a week, which he then complains about, to not contribute to any household costs and then if they do ever go out, the OP has to foot the entire bill.

He also has a rather large debt and the OP is saving for her own place. Everything he brings to the relationship has the potential to be life changing for the OP, especially if the new laws in cohabitation and separation come into play.

Exactly! It seems like this is the only area in his life where he’s actually making any effort!