Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

He needs counselling from loosing his mum. Poor bloke. He is giving back what he didn't have or lost. The debt is secondary. Sounds to me he is in a brief cycle and you mention depression.
Really feel for him.

If I was in this situation, I'd just ask him to chip in a bit for supplies (or ask him to bring a bottle of shower gel round so he's not using your nice stuff - that would annoy me too!). The bigger issue would be the additional water he's using for showers and laundry. And the extra food you're having to buy. That adds up quickly.

The key problem here is he doesn't earn enough to support himself, let alone anything extra. And he has no desire to improve his financial situation. Yes he may enjoy what he does, but most adults don't have the luxury of earning peanuts just to be doing something they truly love. Most of us have to get a job to live!! I'd be very concerned he'll end up living with you and contributing basically nothing. The resentment will only get bigger.

"Even if we do something cheap like go for a walk, water and snack will need to be brought as we will eventually get hungry"

Well, no, you can bring your own food if money is so tight. You actually contradict yourself on that. You say you make a good living, but then panic at someone using some shower gel.

The lady has already a toddler, lives in cheap bad area and cannot even buy a house in a nice location and this man wants to cuts down his hours

He needs to grow up tbh. It's great that he has a job that he feels passionate about but he can't afford to live without living off other people. That's the reality. You can either support him indefinitely and unconditionally or move on as the relationship is doomed to fail. What happens if you start a family together, who pays for that? There are other things that he could do, teach instead of being a TA, or get a second job. He isn't being realistic, which is fine because you are making up the shortfall or compromising. It's unsustainable - and your resentment will grow and will ultimately start to show.

She's not 'funding his life' is she? He just uses some shower gel and some electricity when he's over. That's quite normal.
When I go to my bf's, I also use some of his things, eat his food and leave a couple of things to be washed. It would be difficult to bring my own electric with me, wouldn't it? And I'm the one with the constant travelling and the inconvenience of being away from my own home. (I do contribute to bathroom supplied and food sometimes).

Does he know you have savings and are saving for a house?

Yuck! What a cocklodger! Bin him off and get someone worthy of you.

I think we’d all love to do a job we love and not care about the money but unfortunately have to adult and pay bills and sometimes those two things just aren’t compatible.

Honestly unless your personal job prospects are amazing and you don’t mind funding someone else forever I wouldn’t stick in the relationship. The idea of penny pinching when in your 20s is ok- for the rest of your life? No thanks.

No, you don’t. It’s not the beauty or potential in him you’re seeing, you’re seeing it in you.

You’re looking at what you would do in his situation, because you are motivated to strive and better your life. You’re not him, and in projecting yourself onto him you’re blinding yourself to the reality of who he is. He has no intention of changing. He just wants to suit himself, throw pity parties for himself when you dare question what the fuck he’s actually doing, and have you cover the bill. He’s a parasite, and he will suck you dry if you let him.

This x 100. Stop wasting your life with this man child.

You sound like his mother, not his partner. It sounds like he's a child that's being looked after financially, practically and emotionally by you while bringing very little to table in terms of being an equal partner to you. I personally find it really unattractive and weird when a men isn't a provider and has no ambition to look after his family, but I come from a culture where it's expected, and men usually want to be, providers.

I truly fail to see what you're getting out of this relationship? You only mention that he's "a lovely man", that's a really low bar. You're spending money on him, feeding him, housing him half the week and nurture him emotionally...it doesn't sound like he's emotionally available for you and looks after you? And it doesn't sound like he has manners as he doesn't contribute financially when he stays with you?

Honestly, with "men" like this who'd want to be in a relationship?

How can I possibly pay attention to such boring BS

What does he do for the many holidays? Surely he can get more work then?
He probably has skills that would easily get him summer camp work or a starting social work or caring.
Does he even care that he has no money and relies on you?

He will never pay this off. He needs a debt councellor abs probably declare himself bankrupt. The job situation is untenable. He needs to retrain as a teacher or go into another role. He is living in a financial vortex and will drag you into to.

Living on your own, supporting a child and paying all your bills I wouldn't expect you to have much left, so I get it.

Is he paying too much for his room at the pub? It sounds expensive for what it is. Could he get a room / house share cheaper and either move or use that to negotiate cheaper rent?

I get his job doesn't pay much, but that's essentially because he is part time. I previously worked term time, school hours. The difference is I topped up my income with a retail job on a Saturday night and temping during the summer holidays. The school job paid my mortgage and essential bills (just) the extra work was for fun stuff.

Could he pick up a couple of shifts a week at the pub where he lives?

He eats her food, he uses her electricity, she pays for things when they are out

He never puts his hand in his pocket

This!!!

I have previously been offered youth worker work in the school holidays and it's good money.

Have you posted about him before?!
Because there was definitely someone else who had a partner/ boyfriend that stayed behind in school for meetings etc and used it as an excuse to not do anything else. No other support staff attended the meetings and he was just there sucking up…
We all told her to get rid on that thread too, the similarities are crazy if there are 2 of them like it.
The teachers won’t want him in their meetings but are too polite to say so and the other support staff will not like him either.
He only wants to do a job that he loves?! Tell him that’s great, enjoy the rest of his life renting a mattress on the floor in a room of a pub and do his own washing.
Honestly these are meant to be the best days of your relationship, if you haven’t posted about him before then you can probably track down the other thread and see the advise given.
If it was you that posted before, he’s not improved, please do yourself a favour and say goodbye!

This blokes got a whole ton of 🚩🚩🚩 and is a lazy cock lodger that is taking the piss.

Leave this relationship and definitely do not have a child with him or let him move in! He should be working 2 jobs to pay his debts and his way. He doesn’t need to because you are paying for everything.

Take the rose tinted glasses off.

Exactly.

My BF worked and more or less funded her BF in his late teens and early twenties whilst he studied hard.

He went on to have a great career and now they’ve both been able to retire early.

This guy has not interest in improving himself in the slightest. Won’t even get a bar job in the evenings so that he has enough clothes to wear.

Swap the genders and this would be a non issue.

It's ultimatum time.

School holidays are coming up, I'd be expecting him to get a 2nd job and graft off a huge chunk of debt over the 6 weeks

What's his long-term plan for his future? I mean it's fine that he "loves" what he's doing, but if it's not enough now while he's basically living in someone else's house, how does he envision supporting himself (and possibly a family) in the future? Most people who take on the role of TA do so with the aim of eventually training to either be a teacher themself or to do something else related to children (such as a child psychologist or similar). Or they are semi-retired and stepping down from having been a teacher, etc.

He seems to have the whole purpose of holding a job down back-to-front if he's thinking of earning less money so he can be "more nuturing"(!!) when he's not even earning enough to pay off his current debts. Those sort of job decisions can only be made by someone who is able to cover the shortfall in some way. And that's not relying on you to do so.

It sounds as if you're very grounded in how you are budgeting (aside from spending stupid money on "special" water for your iron!). But you seem to have a blind spot in terms of not seeing how this other person is living in cloud cuckoo land in terms of financial responsibility.

I'd be asking him where he sees himself in 10-20 years and how he thinks he's going to get there. That will give you a measure of how realistically (or not) he's viewing life. And hopefully will give you the impetus to find someone more mature. Good luck.

Yes she has. Someone has posted a link to it a bit further down the thread