Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

£1400pm, low rent, the majority of that should be on debt, can he get a trusted deed and pay a set amount and pay the friend as much as possible and not borrow a penny off her or it’ll never end.

Probably!

If you don’t mind sharing, what is your job and roughly how much do you earn? Do you have childcare fees that allow you to go to work?

How would he support the child he has suggested having with £30k of debt?

Hello. Consider me the ghost of your future 10 years down the line after allowing a covert narc to make me his caretaker, move into my home, blind me with lovebombing, breadcrumbing, emotional, physical & other abuse and now trying to divorce him:

RUN. Do not feel bad. Do not look back. Just end it. Please. I wish more than anything I had ended it when my gut told me to the first time.

OP I urge you to think about your minimum standards for a partner and whether this chap meets them.

It feels like you have gained a dependent rather than a partner and I feel that you would rather an equal partner. Someone who is at least equal to you.

This is what I discuss with my children, try to find an equal to build a life with.

You deserve this. It's your life too.

What a horrible expression!

This has to end OP. He simply hasn't grown up. He needs therapy. He also needs to be away from his enabling landlady.
How much of his £1400 is paid in rent?
You can't risk your child's security by continuing this relationship. You can't be his saviour. He is an adult.
He talks a load of bs regarding his role too.

You need to get a grip and aim higher than half a life with half a man :S
He should be working in the pub to pay off his debts or set up a proper AFFORDABLE repayment plan so he's not guiltily sending her everything he ha and then being broke again? just pure financial illiteracy and foolishness
Want more for yourself and stop subsidising this bum.

He obviously has childhood trauma unresolved re his mum's passing and is transferring it onto the kids.. He should just train to be a teacher. but it's not your problem nor you need to run his life and build him up.. he should want to do that for you!! Not many men would be happy being like this, they'd work hard to earn more and be a good catch.

Read about the drama triangle, you are already quite perceptible and can see he enjoys his situation unconsciously. it keeps his needs fulfille and in limbo. so you need to not be the rescuer

edited as I have now RTFT, apologies.

You have different expectations and different solutions on how you meet your expectations. I don’t think this is the guy for you…

Just adding my voice to the PPs who've said "run". You might love him now, OP, but somewhere down the line that love will turn into raging resentment at his dependence and lack of ambition (as you do seem to be realising).

Walk away. 30k of debt when his take home pay is 1400 is huge. It will take a long, long time to repay. And with a wage cut ? It wont get any better. He's using you. You'll be bailing him out for years and wasting some of the best years of your life. Get rid.

Where did you bring it from?

I feel like you are saying NOTHING about how he cares for you and contributes.

This is your clear warning you values dont meet, you'd be crazy to move in together...and further than you already have

How will he pay for holidays @Misssparkles2 . There’s no reason a man in his late 20s should be happy and settling for a low paid job. You’ll have to
carry him financially indefinitely.

Been there, done it, three decades ago. I walked away and don’t regret it.
I can actually remember an argument as I had done a food shop. I worked in a very busy job and also did some tutoring and while I was out doing that one Sunday, all day, he literally ate most of the things I’d just bought.
I said I’ve just worked all day for nothing.
He stormed off and rang me back an hour later and said….
My mum said you are a liar, there is no way what I ate cost that much. He was 30!
Honestly, it’s a piss take.
He could do some shifts in the pub. He could do some shifts in another pub. But he doesn’t want to.
He gets to do what he wants and half the week gets to stay in a lovely home and mooch off his girlfriend.
His work is all very admirable but building a future is a different thing.
He is in one hell of a mess and if he moved in he will bring it all with him.
I do not regret walking away all these years later. He is still living with his mum by the way… in his mid 60’s.
Don’t waste your life like this. It isn’t about a £1 shower gel it’s about someone using your home and resources without giving a toss about you and how hard you work for both.

OP, it doesn’t sound sad but strong of you to walk away from the relationship - as well being a jolly good idea!! Walking away and focusing on you, your child, your future hopes and dreams such as owning a house - that is more than enough for you to deal with for now. You don’t need a man but maybe some company would be good - if you can find a safe and reliable sitter, maybe you could do something different on some of the evenings so you’re not home alone when LO goes to bed Perhaps dating could wait until you feel fully established as a little family in your own home. X Sending courage and a hug.

He’s lovely and caring and he’s never been bad to me or my child

Not yet perhaps, but if you were foolish enough to move him in you'd almost certainly see a different side - especially if you failed to "support him" in the way he so obviously thinks he deserves

As for suggestions of a baby, did this include any info on how he proposed to support a child, or would that all be left to you too?

This relationship doesn't sound like it has a future, please don't have a child with him. In a year and a half of dating someone, you shouldn't be considering this anyway, but he is not in a position to afford a roof over his head or milk/shower gel, he can't afford a baby.

You can't save this one. Hopeless case.

Throw him back.

He’s lovely and caring and he’s never been bad to me or my child

He's eating your food and using your wash and personal care items and costing you a lot more in utilities. Sorry, those are for you and your child, not a cocklodger.

He may dress it up with pretty words but he is taking food from your child's mouth when he eats yours and then has the brass ones to complain about it. That's not nurturing or caring.

Look at his actions. He's kept things from you like huge debt, he lied to you about school meetings, he is pretty open that he expects you to support him when he takes whatever lower paying position comes along. Those don't go with his words.

Draining resources from a single mom and young child is being bad to them. That's not caring, that's using.

What do you mean 'caring' 'lovely'? He only cares and is lovely to himself:
He takes your electric
He takes your washing detergent
He takes your toiletries
He takes your household supplies
He takes your food
He takes your money when you both go out

What does he give?

What do you mean by brought?

You know she means bought. Is this all you can contribute to the conversation?

i Have a dd your age. She’s on a decent salary and I most certainly wouldn’t want her with someone devoid of ambition.

my ds is with someone who loves her job but minimum wage and no prospect of an increase. Makes things v difficult when they want to get a mortgage!

Im married to someone who earns 1/3 of what I earn and for many this would be a deal breaker but its not for me , our expenses are paid in proportion so we both have “ me “ money and it’s never been a issue .
Im not sure that will work for you as you seem wary of some thing similar if your relationship was to progress and you seem to resent sharing .
Since you are not in a serious relationship yet , living together etc that is fine you should accept and move forward to someone with similar wages .