Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

@CaffeinatedMum is not a fake post. I have a child from another relationship. I don’t have a child with him he suggested a child which is what I posted about before.

Please put yourself and your future first. He now has 2 months off school where he could work his arse off to work towards getting rid of his debt but you and the pub landlady are both enabling him to live his cushy life. How lovely that he wants to be nurturing and only do a job that he loves. Life ain't like that. He is an immature cock lodger and you are his St Bernard. Set yourself free.

@Misssparkles2 - please don’t have a child with this man. This guy is a waste of space. He wants luxuries but he expects other people to facilitate that for him. He’s lazy and entitled. How can you love him, OP? In any case, he doesn’t deserve you. You’d be better off single than with him dragging you down.

@Misssparkles2 how much is the car worth and how much is his rent(excluding additional debt payments)

OP what's this about a dc you mentioned in a different thread? (Edit: just saw your response)

I think you lost me with the Calvin underpants. And the colossal debt.

If this is true, you know what to do.

If it isn't, I'm pissed off as I've spent time giving you my hard earned advice.

I’m really sorry. TAs are not paid a living wage but the role is still popular because it works around school age children.

Now is a good time to decide whether you are prepared to pay for him as your companion. Nothing wrong with that, just do it with your eyes open.

Wow so only people who earn a certain amount are suitable life partners??

What happened to being a partnership?? He would likely be able to help them save a load of money in childcare for a start, why is that not as valuable as cash in the bank?

I have read your posts and what I see is that there is a LOT about what he wants. When I first replied I was on the need to talk to him but it seems is unwilling to compromise. The problem isn't that he currently has low wages. The problem is that he isn't willing to compromise on anything that I can see. Relationships involve compromise. You have to compromise all sorts of things already and he isn't willing to. That in my eyes makes the relationship massively one-sided and frankly it won't work long term.

He needs to get a second job ASAP until he pays back his debts!

What is unattractive is a man in many thousands of debt who in effect works part-time in an undemanding job (he is not doing the normal work of a TA) yet takes on no other work to reduce the debt. He lives off his landlady and his girlfriend and shows no signs of wanting to change this.

Other thread for anyone interested, the OP has a toddler and is contemplating a baby with this man. Even if this is true, why on earth would you be considering a baby with a man who you don’t live with who is so much in debt. If you are thinking about a child together, the shower gel sharing really is a very moot point, you’ll be sharing many more costs than that.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5518966-female-breadwinner-tough-decision-on-expanding-family

it's not to do with his wage, it's because he's not even working full time to make things better. he's happy for op to take on that load for him.

This guy is going to drag you down and by extension your child.

He will drain your energy with his need for support and the relationship will never be equal.

Don't do this to yourself. Find someone who is your equal not someone looking for a mum.

Why do you keep saying he's willing to take a pay cut to be more nurturing? He can't afford the life he already has! And that life is really naff all at this point. You are making it bearable, at a cost to you and your own self worth. Honestly, he needs to sort himself out. He might be nice and all that but he sleeps on a mattress on a floor for half the week, that is not living. What if the nice lady sells the pub? Or decides its not for her and leaves? Are you prepared for him to move in?

Why is he useless?

Some people, women included, are bad at managing money. A significant proportion of the population seek debt advice and need advice and tools how to live within their means.

Labelling someone as a waste of space and useless for this reason is a pretty disgusting attitude to have.

He doesn't deserve you. How do you know? For all you know OP could be responsible with money but secretly cheating on her boyfriend or putting him down with constant negative comments. Or do you put someone's worth as just their earning potential?

Is he also not contributing to the family friends in the pub he also stays at? So living completely rent free spread over two residences?
You say he doesn’t expect anything from you, but actually he does if he’s comfortable to use your resources for free!

What is this "nurturing" nonsense. He's a young man he needs to get off his arse and work a 50 hour week. If he's so keen on helping others he can apply for a job in a nursing home.

The 1 work shirt and 3 pairs of pants is giving me the absolute boak. Great that he likes designer gear but the reality is he can't afford it. Tell him to go to primark and buy some bloody pants.

Re the shower gel, I know it's not the point but you can buy cheap stuff for a pound.

@Misssparkles2 if you allow yourself to be treated this way this is the treatment you will get.

In the other thread they seem to live together, but now he sleeps on a mattress in a pub and takes the piss with OP's shower gel.

Good lord 😦😳

OP, please just dump him. This is really not fair on you. He is a sponger and is neither a good nor decent man for you. He is picky about his food and clothes but can’t afford to be! You need to start being a lot more picky about your partners for your own sanity and long-term wellbeing.

But he’s not seeking advice, either on how to sort the debt or how to manage money. Quite the reverse; he’s talking about getting an even lower-paid job when his current one doesn’t sustain an adult lifestyle. OP also said upthread that SHE sorted a debt appointment and he wouldn’t go and gets depressed talking about his debt/avoids it.

I totally agree with this 💯%.
Yes there to be some early alarm bells.
They get dismissed because they are just small things.
Until they actually become bigger problems.
You have a choice of nipping this in the bud earlier on or letting it progress until further on along the road, you come to a dead end.

You can care deeply for him and still end the relationship. You can want to be with someone who treats you better and contributes more, and still think he is a nice person. You have a crowd here giving you permission to let him go.

Even if he thought that he could do a better job than trained professionals—which is quite narcissistic and grandiose thinking in his part—showing willing/staying after work are not the pathway to getting into a position to do more.

Paying off his debt and then paying for actual education and training is the only way to get into a more responsible position when it comes to children. As it should be. Children are a vulnerable population! Schools should be very careful who they let have access to children! What are his personal and professional qualifications for assuming the authority to “nurture “ children? Lots of feelings doesn’t count.

He can’t even take care of himself and ADL (activities of daily living) years after his mother’s death he is unable to source his own bed, buy his own clothing and soap, pay for his own food. He is not a refugee in a third eirld country. He has had many opportunities and been gifted housing and money by others but he chooses not to fully take care of himself to a normal standard. What makes him an exemplary person for these vulnerable children?

I can see that he sounded plausible to you. He clearly presents himself as a dedicated, hardworking, but impoverished teacher, a saint like giver to children. But as you have found out he’s not that at sll. He is a very part time, low skilled, assistant to teachers who has little scope for real interaction with the children, let alone a serious nurturing relationship. He is a fantasist and a fabulist here. He isn’t Sidney Poitier in To Sir, With Love or Mr Chips or Dead Poets Society.

Why on earth are you tolerating all this OP? Where is your self worth?

Don't get me wrong, it's very easy for people to get into debt, but not working extra hours because he's 'too tired' is just utter bullshit and you know it. He just supervises a room, he isn't actively teaching or doing anything that could make him that tired to not pick up a few evening shifts every week.. or some weekend work, he just doesn't want to do it, he wants someone to look after him, and people to feel sorry for him, then he complains that the service isn't good enough.

Look up white knight syndrome, as you seem to be caught up in this loop.