Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

Posters focussing on the shower gel and laundry are missing the point. He continues to be in large debt while doing nothing, such as an extra job, to reduce it. He sounds neither kind nor generous, happy to do very little and live off others.

Would he really make a good father? I suppose he would stay at home and do the childcare while OP works and supports the family. But a man who is so financially incompetent and frankly lazy is not a good example for children.

As a PP said, he's kidding as far as work is concerned. Sitting watching a child who is in isolation all day and has to be silent is a really easy number that certainly doesn't require him to stay after hours. And as for him being too tired to take on another part-time job in the evening or at the weekend, words fail me!

So bloody true.

And for someone who sees himself as nurturing... why doesn't he want to nurture you @Misssparkles2?

He will rob you off your sparkles in no time.

He does not need to be staying late. Support staff can absolutely go home at the end of the children’s school day. (I’ve been a teacher nearly 20 years).

At most he might need to take 10 mins to fill out an electronic form (CPOMS or the like) to log things for the attention of staff/ safeguarding lead if he’s not managed to do so already throughout the school day.

He needs to leave at 3:30 when he stops being paid. He needs to get a 2nd job so he’s working a 40 hours a week. (Many people work 50-60+ hours a week so 40 is no hardship for a healthy childless young adult).

There are many jobs in the community/ caring capacity / with SEN kids etc where you can pick up hours if he wants to do something equally meaningful to compliment his part time job.

Otherwise supermarkets or bars/ restaurants that have weekend and evening work would be a good shout.

He will actually feel so much better if he does this and clears his debt and has spare money.

Honestly if he can’t manage a full time job at 28 when he needs to pay off debt I’d sadly be questioning the future of the relationship. It will get harder not easier as you both get older and have more responsibilities.

“Honestly if he can’t manage a full time job at 28 when he needs to pay off debt I’d sadly be questioning the future of the relationship. It will get harder not easier as you both get older and have more responsibilities.”

This with bells on. As PPs have said, it’s ridiculous to suggest that his current job makes him too tired to do anything else. And as for him being lovely - well, it’s easy to be lovely when you’re taking life so easy.

@Misssparkles2 - i have heaps of respect for you. You are adulting. Adults recognise that earning money sometimes involves doing something you don’t particularly enjoy. In which case, we learn to value what our wage permits us to do even if we find our job boring, stressful, tiring etc.

Your BF is not adulting. He is still living like a child. He expects only to do jobs he loves and for other people (women, as it happens) to pick up the financial slack for him. I would find that hard to respect. I don’t think this relationship has legs long-term unless he becomes more mature in his attitude.

Opportunity Cost: look it up. As long as you stay with him you are unable to date other people. Keeping him in your life, even on the reduced schedule some posters have suggested, costs you more in lost opportunities to meet a better match than you are recognizing.

Also why has no one commented on the obvious psychological problems indicated by his possessing one single pair of work clothes/three pair of underwear. It is impossible for me to believe that his bf and the landlady have not at various periods bought him sufficient clothing to try to be presentable for jobs or dating. Of that he couldn’t have bought some cheaply. This collapsed man is basically choosing to live life as a hobo-saint, above worldly considerations. This may come from a place of deep trauma and insecurity. Bit its a sign of deep trouble and fragile ego. Its not that he isn’t greedy—because he happily grooms with OP’s stuff snd asks for good food and treats from her—but he is willing to live with little as long as it creates urgency in those around him to care for him.

Thank you. 100% my point.
His job is not nurturing. Anything but
A "reflection room" aka sitting in silence. Dont me started....schools shouldn't still take this approach but hey ho let's not derail the thread
@Misssparkles2 his job role is not nurturing. Hes told you he loves his job and wants to do more nurturing. Its bullcrap. He isnt a nurturer. If he was he wouldnt be doing that role!

@Cherriesandapples1 he’s got like 30k worth of debt with car finance and credit cards etc. He owes the landlady like 5k and his take home is just bit more than £1400

@Misssparkles2 what's happened to your child, that you talked about in your last thread?

How much is the car worth and how much is rent

This 100pc

I mean this clearly isn’t going to work. You want the nice things in life and a house, he’s caught up in a cycle of debt, and it doesn’t pins as if you want to stand by him while he tries to get out of that (not judging you here at all). Ultimately you can’t change him into a high earner and you don’t want to subsidise him so the only choice is to end things and leave him to figure it out himself. Oh and stop buying iron water and water on days out, there is a thing called a tap.

yeah even a bottle of tap water would show SOME self preservation.

He'd be told she's a young healthy woman and needs to sort herself out

Omg. Get out of this OP. Just get out. It’s not worth it.

@pikkumyy77 he’s very picky. I’ve told him get cheap clothing on depop second hand. He wants Calvin boxers and M&S shirt a trousers that he can’t afford. Which is why he wears one until it falls apart

His existing job isn't enough to support his lifestyle and he's in debt. But he wants to switch to a lower paid role. To arrive at this conclusion, he must either be quite dense, or he's just decided that OP will pay for everything.

As for being a good dad....good dads take responsibility for ensuring their children are adequately housed, clothed and fed (among other qualities of course). It's hard to imagine he will do that from his current starting point.

i'm sorry but the problem isn't his finances, the problem is him. he has zero dependents to take care of and all the time in the world to fix his debt issues and create some extra disposable income each month, but he's actively choosing not to.

I'm a single mum with debts and I still manage to pay some off each month, pay my way and have nice days out.

You are behaving like his mother. He wants you to cook, clean and nurture him. He has zero responsibility at work, is probably on his phone all day.

He owes so much money he would be better off going bankrupt.

He is waiting to move in with you so his life will get better.

You deserve so much respect. Someone ambitious and working who will be your equal partner.

LTB. He’s taking the piss.

So much doesn't add up here. TAs earn a pittance and as such any school I have worked in they are out the door at their finish time. He is hanging around for hours unpaid when he could be doing some hours in the pub or another 2nd job to pay his debts off.
Unfortunately he seems quite content, likes his job and if he's not motivated to improve his situation to stop having to sleep on a matress in a pub I can't see how he can manage an adult relationship and finances.

Is he a graduate? If so, why doesn't he train to teach?

There are nurturing roles which pay a living wage. He needs to move into one of them.

A further thought from someone who made the wrong decision in your shoes:

It would actually be the kindest thing for HIM if you end this relationship.

My xh was so similar it's uncanny. I carried him for 17 years. After we split he had a breakdown and some rough years, but then a miracle occured - he picked himself up from rock bottom and now has a semi-successful business.

He also had a terrible childhood with a real lack of love etc (as did I), and he had to go on his own "journey" (cringe) to become his best self (why am I talking in cliches).

Your bf has a long way to go, but could potentially become a solid version of himself. But he can't do that while being coddled.

I don’t think it matters if it’s about a male or female? Both parties are young healthy adults no kids - as far as I can see? So both should be working full time?

Situation changes if there are caring responsibilities. If male or female part time employee has kids that would be different as they would be saving the household money on childcare and running a household. That has monetary value too. That’s not what’s happening here.

I don’t think gender comes into it personally but interested to hear why you think it does.

What job does he have in mind that's more nurturing, but paid even less than a TA? And if he's so nurturing, why does he not do any sort of cooking or cleaning for you?

Most women find men in low paid jobs unattractive. Is the simple truth.

Woman face societal pressure around their appearance, weight etc. Men face pressure around their earning power. Men with low paid jobs and no great career ambitions are viewed as 'red flags' no matter how kind and caring they are.

I realise there's been a lot of drip feeding beyond the OP, perhaps to make the boyfriend look worse. However, OP has been in the relationship for 1.5 years, so most likely his caring nature and good looks has carried him this far.

His low earnings are starting to annoy OP and I'm sure he will be labelled as 'controlling', 'manipulative' 'sponge' etc as excuses to justify dumping the boyfriend for reasons other than the true reason: low earning men are unattractive long-term.