Advice needed: He earns half of what I earn.

[Misssparkles2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1.5 years. I really do love him and he’s a lovely man. I have a great job and can afford to live without my parents and still have luxuries and what I need. My partner earns significantly less than me as he is a TA in a school. He absolutely loves his job and has no plans of leaving. However, the relationship is starting to become expensive for me and unbalanced. I want him to feel welcomed at mine he doesn’t live with me but will come and stay over usually 3 times a week. Although I have a good salary at 25 it’s not enough to fund another adult and he’s never expected that from me but because he has less financially it natural ends up happening. When he comes over I’ve started to feel the pinch. Shower gel running out quickly, toilet roll, dinners/ food as he’s eating too. Even electric as he doesn’t have lots of clothing so he will put his work clothes on for a wash and it’s all costing me.

im starting to feel a way about it because I know he has no plans of leaving his job so how will his finances get better. He also has debt he accumulated in his early 20s he’s 28 now.

it sounds silly but u genuinely feel like a fairy making things happen behind the scenes while our relationship continues. Replacing the shower gel that would usually last me a lot longer or the bottle of iron liquid he would use to iron his shirt. Even a date he hasn’t got the finances to do that so if I want to do that it’s coming out of my pocket.

I love him but I’m paying more financially and I’m there for him emotionally like any partner would be but it seems unfair.

Has anyone got any advice as he’s not a horrible person and doesn’t expect it but it naturally happens if we are spending time together.

@pikkumyy77 apologies, the thread rolled on a bit between me reading and my post! I think this one should be put back in the sea. You can find someone much better and you dont need this level of issues around your child.

1. Full time teachers in the USA have 2nd jobs. Teachers. Who do all the planning and marking and work many more hours than your BF. They work evenings and weekends in 2nd jobs because teaching there pays so little.

2. He's a TA with a DBS. He could very easily pick up work for various clubs that work with young people (also very satisfying work) in the evenings or at weekends.

3. With his DBS he could do cash in hand tutoring. There is a BOOMING market in primary tutoring.

He isn't doing more because he doesn't want to.

While he is the problem, you are also self sabotaging. You're choosing to feel sorry for him which is enabling him to use you.

He's an almost 30 year old man who can't support himself and has no motivation to try to make changes. Don't let him steal your future.

I think he needs to get some debt advice…. Or the cycle will not end.

You haven't mentioned your child up until now. A massive dripfeed?

You're 25 and already have a child. You really shouldn't be bringing this man into your child's life for a whole host of reasons. Don't model this relationship for your child

My advice is to talk to him frankly about the situation and see what solutions he can come up with, then try them, see if they work, and if they don't, try something else.

Do not expect him to read your mind and understand subtle hints.

Skipping all the other points…..

Why doesn’t he work unpaid in the pub to get his debt paid off? Sitting in a room watching kids is not so strenuous that he couldn’t pick up several shifts every week.

You can’t be serious? He chooses to be picky he can’t afford to be and neither can you.

Wake up and smell the coffee, sister.

and how is he paying for those items with his negative income?

You earn double yet can’t afford some shower gel or extra food?
Who even counts shower gel?
I would expect him to bring in a bag of food shopping of an evening, you do sound very tight.

Read the thread and OP’s posts.

Just read ops other thread.
@Misssparkles2 you have a child, planning on another and using money to subsidise him that could be going towards your savings for a house deposit to financially secure your future and your child's future
You need to prioritise your child and yourself and leave him
He doesn't want to do anything to earn more. He is "picky' about food and branded clothing driving a car on finance that he could sellz living off yours and his landlords money and doing nothing to better his situation
He could sell his car, buy a cheap runaround to pay off a chunk of debt, work at the landlady's pub at weekends to pay her back and get a holiday club job to increase his income and pay off more of his debt.
He won't because he can't be arsed , because he has decided what he wants, trumps what he needs to do as an adult to be financially independent and not drag you down with him.
If you have a child with him, you are just as irresponsible, you know his situation and his attitude and can see this isn't going to get any better
I'd suggest his request for a child with you is a tactic to lockdown this relationship so he can become totally financially dependent on you and then make it more difficult for you to break up with him and get himself moved in with you permanently 'so he can help with the baby"
Run far and fast or regret it

He doesn’t bring shopping, ever
he can’t even buy milk
he can’t buy a snack or water while they’re out
he has one shirt and pair of trousers…

Read the OP’s other posts!

OP how is this man going to impact your toddler's life?

How are you better off with him than as a single mum?

I just can't see how he isn't purely a drain. I honestly want to know - what's your logic here?

HNRWT

where did you meet?

Not surprised he would want a child with you. Are you surprised?!?

so you’ve put up with this for over 1.5 years - and only now you’re deciding it’s too much? Why? Waste of yours and his time - you’re not compatible and now you getting annoyed over shower gel - time to end this .

I think if you are already moaning about all this then you don't like him enough. It wouldn't bother you otherwise.

@homehomehome - I may have stated it too strongly. I don't think people's value is solely in their earning potential. But have you read all the OP's updates? This isn't about earning potential or a guy who is poor at managing money. I'm not brilliant at managing money myself. That is not the point.

This is about a guy who wants the luxuries in life (expensive car; expensive clothes) but is unwilling to work for them but is happy to allow the women around him to procure them for him. He only wants to do a job he loves. Despite only being in his late 20s, and without any suggestion of health issues, he's apparently too tired at the end of a fairly calm working day (managing the reflection room in a school) to take a second job and anyway he only wants to do a job he loves. He's even talking about accepting a pay cut when he already can't afford to support himself. He won't get debt advice because it upsets him.

This is a man who doesn't want to adult but is happy to let OP adult for him and spend her money on him when she already has a child to support and is saving to be able to afford to buy a property (and, to be clear, I would say the same if genders were reversed). Why should OP adult for him? Why should she spend her money on him when he isn't interested in improving his financial circumstances? His attitude is immature and entitled and I think it's completely fair and accurate to say he will drag her down unless he changes his attitude significantly.

This man is for the bin.
You’ll look back when you’re older and think why did you put up with any of this shit

You do know they're completely different jobs, don't you? That's like saying a nurse should train to be a doctor. It's not the job he wants!

However, OP, he needs to be contributing. Either by grabbing a shop every now and then including washing powder, shower gel, and food, or by officially sharing the bills.

To some of the post about my child I didn’t mention my child as I’m not irresponsible financially ever with my child which is why I budget and put the rest into a saving pot towards buying a house.

in terms of personality he’s lovely and caring and he’s never been bad to me or my child. But financially he is terrible which now I can see why he is debt. He spends what he hasn’t and now is trying to keep up with having my to pay out to his debt then what he has.

He used to be over more an is was more serious hence why he suggested a baby. He decided to be back at the pub more an pay the landlady more to clear of his debt. Problem is he borrows back from her because he basically needs another job or a job change. So he can clear his debts and have money left

@Shelby2010 i actually never thought about that. I will ask him if that’s something him and the lady have spoken about doing

Sounds like he has using women down to a science.

Get the hell out of there. You cannot afford him. How was he able to get so much credit and a car loan earning such a low salary? That sounds shady, to say the least.

His facade has some really bad stuff behind it. I don't think this guy has been very honest with you. He sure isn't hurt with hard work.

is not a fake post. I have a child from another relationship. I don’t have a child with him he suggested a child which is what I posted about before.

Girl, wake up. He's trying to tie you to him with a kid so you'll support him. He can't afford a girlfriend, much less a child. You can barely do for you and your kid so this loser is taking food and necessities from your own child and hoping to live off you. He's a cocklodger wannabe.

Get rid of yesterday. You can do better than a near 30 feckless boy in major debt who uses you.

he’s got like 30k worth of debt with car finance and credit cards etc.

You will never get a house with this kind of debt tied to you.

my thoughts exactly. This man is coming across as lazy, entitled, and only doing jobs that make him come across as nurturing. If he truly was nurturing he would be doing everything in his power to be more nurturing towards op and her child by being a more equal partner and not sponging off them.

Does he even offer to pay for anything? If not, he's taking advantage.