AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

He sounds lazy and doesn’t want to do any extra work at home. I’d go for it. No one would think twice if it was a man in the situation.

OP he's been taking the piss and your new job will mean he has to pull his weight more. Tough shit.

You take the job.

You stay together and he pulls his weight in terms of being an active parent, or you split up. He can opt for 50/50 time with the kids, or less. You and the kids will be fine either way. If he can't pull his weight and you split, you will have the means to pay for a nanny or sitter if needed.

Whether you stay together or split he's been lazy and selfish and that period of his life will be over so no wonder he's not congratulating you. Selfish arsehole. 😡

Why is he lying in bed and drinking coffee whilst you do all the kid stuff?

True, I just personally wouldn’t use that fact that men are shit as justification, otherwise we’re just as bad as them.

I take it that you have drifted into a situation where you are bringing to majority to the family unit, both financially and logistically. Had this ever been an issue previously? Does he know that you see him in this way?

From what I see, the majority of execs that I see in my line of work (male and female) with young kids are supported by their partner picking up most of the family side of life, as an agreed approach. Did your DH ever expect this to be his role, was it ever discussed?

The best solution for the family unit as a whole would presumably be for your DH to cut his hours to run the household whilst your career thrives - seems like a reasonable compromise for him to make. The problem that you are presumably facing is that he never saw this as his role, it was never discussed, and he prefers is current life to that life. Sounds like you need to have some bigger conversations than just the promotion.

Agreed

This! Lazy fucker

Yeah I mean honestly OP - he isn’t your cheerleader, isn’t so full of love and pride and doesn’t pull his weight. Practically I would divorce him quickly and long before the inevitable pension sharing agreement means you miss out on a huge chunk of cash in your retirement or worse before he positions himself as main childcarer and you end up as the less than 50% parent paying him for the benefit of not seeing your kids enough.

You will thrive on your own. If any of that resonates get legal advice and enjoy your new role.

YANBU

Congrats.

Reality is he would probably end up doing max 2 bedtimes alone each week and 2 mornings alone each week. I would be around the rest of the time.

If he can’t handle these very few things, what would he do if something happened to you and you couldn’t work anymore?

Reads to me he just wants things to remain as they are because it easy for him now.

I would talk to a financial planner, if you don’t already have one, and show him what that extra money can do for the future especially for the children. Who knows what costs will be by time they get to be teenagers and considering occupations.

Whatever on his answer is, will tell you everything you need to know.

I'm the high earner supporting a passion career. It's pretty stressful for me feeling like I can't leave a high pressure job because my salary is needed. Both sides of these equations have their own struggles.

Take the job.
He needs to step up, he sounds lazy and entitled.
Or bin him and get a nanny.

Congratulations.

You need a conversation with him about how much you want this. How hard you have worked and now collectively how you can make it work for your family.

Oh, get him out of bed to help with the DC and stop trying to do it all.

Congratulations @Bigjob1234. Most people on here can’t/wont understand- women’s ambition seems to be one of the last taboos.

To be honest I’d be setting this out for him. You’ve supported him for years in a job he loves and it’s now time for him st step up and do the same, try to avoid calling him a lazy selfish arsehole if you can. What he mans is his lifestyle would be harder because he’d have to do more at home, but it sounds like he isn’t carrying his weight as it is so time for things to change, unless of course he wants to fuck off in which case you can get a nanny instead (probably don’t say that either).

Well done again on the promotion offer.

Try and talk to him about it. See if you can’t make him see it’s important to you. Suggest employing a cleaner/gardener/nanny with the extra cash to free him up for his job. If he really won’t listen you have to decide if your marriage will survive the resentment.

Your kids might miss you a bit 2 days a week (nurses and doctors often miss every bed time and nobody is mad at them) but as young adults they will benefit much more from you having bag loads of money to help them with.

I would be taking the job and getting a divorce without a look back.

this is a man who doesn’t support you, isn’t proud of you, rides on your coat tails, enjoys his own lovely life off your labour, a selfish man who only thinks of himself after all you do for him. He would make me feel sick and would be out of my life in a heartbeat.

I think you’re 100% in the right. But you’ve posted on the wrong forum, most of the women here are career-less and prefer being a SAHP as opposed earning anywhere near £200k, so they cannot relate to your perspective at all. Hence also, why you’re getting the “breadwinner vs SAHM sacrifices” comments that are irrelevant to your set up.

just take the job. Nothing further needs to be said.

personally, I think you need to fight fire with fire and the next time he says your job is inconvenient, tell him exactly how inconvenient his job is. Your job is better paid and more convenient than his, so imo it has nothing to do with the “downsides” of your job as his downsides are the same but worse! It therefore appears he is taking umbrage with something else.

Realistically because of your skill and ambition, he can do whatever he wants in life. He has seemingly forgotten how much flexibility you have enabled for him. So if you’re giving up your dreams and ambition, he’ll need to apply for better paying work outside of his dream field as it’s not right that you have to sacrifice this position whilst he gets his dream set up.

Just for clarity - I already have the DC in childcare, a cleaner and a gardener! DH is not doing those things and will not! It's pre and post work that this will make a difference.

He sounds rather immature and unsupportive.
Likely you took time off when dc were born, taking a pensions hit etc. Now you’ve got a steady state and have already done the gymnastics of figuring out impact to you, him, dc and external help - you deserve to do it and will kick yourself if you don’t.

Have a discussion on the full picture, your goals (I want to be top of my field, I want to bank enough to retire at 50, I want x lifestyle for us/kids) and illustrate how this accelerates this.
And in any case he can step up for more parenting, especially if he keeps the luxury of his choice of easy career.

To be really blunt; he wants a lifestyle job and doesn’t contribute financially, he doesn’t get to dictate terms to you. That’s the bottom line here.

I realise there’s more to it than this and the impact on his life is relevant. If he was behaving reasonably about it then it would be reasonable to take his feelings into account. As he’s been childish and self centred I think he has forfeited this.

He does sound like one of these men who hasn’t adjusted psychologically to the fact he isn’t the main breadwinner. I am familiar with the syndrome. They bring in a quarter of the money and still think they get to act like “man of the house”. Pathetically common.

You need to talk to him obviously but he doesn’t get the veto here. Either he steps up and earns more money or he makes peace with the fact you are financially in the driving seat.

In addition to things already said, I’m not sure hiring a nanny/home help is the solution. It will eat up most of your pay rise and you’ll miss out on precious time with your kids.

Your husband contributing properly to the household is the solution. He could cut his hours if necessary. But he cannot dictate that you cannot take this role so he can maintain his current cushy lifestyle.

I would really bear in mind op that I imagine every single one of the YABU responses was based on not really reading your responses or seeing that you do do this. I imagine they’re from wives who do/did run around like blue arsed flies supporting husbands big jobs and have simply assumed that he does the same. You even said in your blooming op that he doesn’t, but people only see what they want to see.

PLEASE TAKE THE JOB

Sounds like you need to take the job so you can afford your divorce.

I posted this thread early as I was up getting stuff ready for my children before a full day of work. He lies in bed, wakes up, drinks coffee and leaves. This is not a typical scenario reversed of wife giving up career to serve her husbands ambition.

it sounds mostly like he’s pissee off that he’ll have to step up and do his fair share of parenting!

Go for the new job! Even if you don’t stay in it forever it will elevate your cv and future earning power

Take it and sort put a childcare schedule. Start with 50 50 and outsource the parts you can't do (you can hire a nanny for those 2 extra bedtime and mornings). If he magically decides he can do those bits instead of a food shop or cleaning, then he can do that and you can cover those hours of labour.

Use it as an opening for a negotiation.

And don't forget, you don't have to stay with him. He doesn't get to just say No. He should work with you in what a plan for Yes would look like and you can decide together if it works. Or if a divorce works better.

I've seen similar situations play out again and again. I'm in my 30s and so many women are still faced with skepticism (particularly from other women!) when they're faced with a decision to remain stagnant or take their career to another level.

Even in 2026, where things are supposed to be 'equal', women are still judged, consciously or subconsciously, when they don't put the needs of their family far ahead of their own.

It's a huge reason why so many of my peers are child-free altogether. You go in wanting an equal partnership where you support each others dreams. And instead, you find yourself in a position where you have to make constant sacrifices while your partner isn't expected to do the same.

An extra £40k per annum is not to be sniffed at. Plus the fulfilment. Pension. Etc.

id be furious about this, what a let down he is.